Joan & Melissa Live at the Academy Awards

6:57: James Taylor braves Joan's questions and makes it through, but Emily Blunt and Michael Bublé are more exciting to watch (and a more adorable couple). We finally get to hear about Emily's dress: Calvin Klein. Unfortunately the camera is only showing her bare chest at the moment. 7:01: Not even Melissa and Proops know who the camera is showing at the moment. Cut to Rinko Kikuchi as she concentrates on her translator when Joan insults her for her last choice of dress, but assures her she looks better tonight. Uh, thanks, Joan. OK, gold is apparently the color of the night, and Helen Mirren is glistening. (I'm running out of adjectives for gold gowns.) 7:03: J.Lo has two lipsticks and a mirror in her tiny little purse. And hubby Marc humors Joan about their marriage. They seem so in sync. I applaud their grace and composure. 7:05: Sally Kirkland reveals that a rabbi designed her... I'm not even calling that a dress. It's not. I'm sorry, I'm frightened. Proops calls it a "maelstrom." That's so nice of you, Greg. I call it a tornado. 7:06: Penélope Cruz is fitted in Versace and I have to say, it's beautiful. Very detailed and feminine. Penélope looks confused when Joan asks her about dieting. What's that? 7:08: John Travolta and Kelly Preston are being forced to talk about their airplane. Joan, we're at the Oscars. Please focus. OK, fine, I'll be the one to talk about the important things: Kelly is wearing an animal print and I'm disappointed.