What is wrong with people? Seriously. Wannabe model Ryan Degrave changed the spelling of his first name from R-Y-A-N to R-Y-N-E to be "original." When host Joe Rogan pointed out that R-Y-N-E isn't pronounced like "Ryan," Wisconsin's whitest boy ever played the race card and said "the way I pronounce it ebonically it works." Ebonically. Yeah, right. Thank God he was eliminated first.
Britney Spears: In the Zone
The girl said, "Let me see you dance." And, well, you can guess what I did... I bruised my shin trying to mimic the souped-up steps. (Shout out to the choreographers!) Yes, people, I enjoyed this glorified infomercial. I was even grateful that Britney seemed to lip-synch 90 percent of the time. I just don't understand why she insisted on singing ballads. Seriously. Why do pop stars do that? "...Baby One More Time" worked just fine as an uptempo dance number. But as a slow cabaret bit? It's Chinese water torture. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against Britney's music. I'm just against her whiny voice. And her limited range. And the hooker-hip-hugger pants. Oh, and the fact that she got to kiss Justin Timberlake repeatedly. Still, as long as she's surrounded by multi-culti cuties, all dancing like there's no tomorrow, me and Britney: We're cool. But slow it down and I've got to take a commercial break. So, Britney, how about this: You let me see you dance? And that's it.
The Honey commercial
Speaking of dance, Dark Angel's Jessica Alba is going to play a hip-hop choreographer in a dance movie with Mekhi Phifer, Missy Elliott and Lil' Romeo. I just know that this movie is so gonna suck. And yet I will so be there. Opening weekend. Grinnin'. It is a dance movie, after all. Oh, if someone says "Mama I live to dance," they will make my year!
You know what? It's not funny anymore. They made David cry. Full on what-if-she-only-likes-me-cause-she-thinks-I'm-rich boo-hooing. Unless his horse dies, it's not cool for a cowboy to cry. Plus, the situation's not cute. In case you didn't know: It's down to two women, stealth competitor Cat and nice girl Linda. (Yeah, they brought her back.) And either way, this cowboy's in trouble. Cat's been playing hardball. Did you see how she went into the bathroom and after her man?! If David picks Linda after he and Cat did whatever they did in the facilities he'd better choose her in private, because Cat might cut him. And if he picks Cat, then tells her that he ain't got $20 to his name, all hell will break loose and she'll probably kick him in the neck. For real. Personally, I hope Linda wins. She genuinely seems to have a connection with him and she might actually give his broke butt a chance. But what do I know?
Sometimes they let me down. But tonight, the producers of this show were stealing from my life again. OK. Here's the deal: Newly engaged Joan had to break up with her fiancé, Brock, because he didn't want to have kids. And then, just as a tear rolled down her cheek and his eyes welled up, they cued "What Shall I Do?" a little-known song by my play-husband Sananda Maitreya (formerly known as Terence Trent D'Arby). I about fell on the floor. For real. Not only do they know my pains, these writers know who I like to listen to, too. This was synchronicity at its best! Now, back to the whole Joan situation. The kids/no kids issue is a deal-breaker. And, personally, I think the fact that Joan could let Brock go, well, that's the sign of a true woman. (A true fictional TV woman, but you know what I mean.) Me, myself and I probably would have still married Brock. 'Cause a good man is hard to find, and a good black man is even harder. But, as Oprah, Dr. Phil, and heck, even Sharon Osbourne would tell you, marrying someone who's not in synch with you on life's big issues is a big mistake. Thank God this is only TV. Right?
Half & Half
Two heads really are better than one. It took me and Team Insider coach Rich Sands a good three minutes to figure out where we recently saw Alec Mapa, the actor who plays Mona's flaming assistant Adam. On Alias! Talk about flipping the script. On UPN he's a gay office gossip whose flame is on torch! But on ABC he's a problem-solving übergeek. Go figure.
Two and a Half Men
Whoa. Déjà vu. Am I the only one who thinks Alan and Duckie's living room door and the stairwell leading to the bedroom both look like the setup Laverne and Shirley had when they moved to LA? But anyway... Duckie plays Scrabble with Charlie's stalker Rose. How sweet. "The only thing going on here is two lonely people playing a game of Scrabble," he tells Charlie. Hmmm. Why do I feel like I've said that before?
My friend and reality-TV cohort Delaina said it best when she uttered, "Brad blew it. All he had to do was get in that limo and keep his mouth shut." True that. But, as we all know, he didn't. Brad tried to make Zach "The Bully" Cohen look bad and, in the process, succeeded only in making himself look like a chump. It's probably better that he did, because now that the pretty boys are in town, it's a whole new ballgame. If Brad didn't have the cojones to outcharm Zach, there's no way he can handle the fine Bachelor No. 2. Not to be shallow, but did you see that boy? Dayum! P.S. I still think there's something very sketchy about this show. I just can't put my finger on it....