Fear Factor: The Twin Episode
That bee stunt was evil! Japanese game show type of evil. While one twin was chained between two posts and covered with bees, the other had to dig through drawers filled with the buzzing bugs to find the keys to free the sibling. Ouch. It wasn't cute. And, did you see how Joe Rogan pushed contestants away from him after the stunt? Dude was not trying to get stung.

Still Standing
It's a New Year so I'm trying to watch new things. But sticking with this was hard. Jami Gertz having three kids — two of them teenagers — that's just not easy to grasp. And don't even get me started on the Chi-cah-go accents. Props to the writers, though, for nailing the insurance anguish problem. And for coming up with a TV channel that doesn't exist yet but probably will in five years. The name: The Fairy Tale Channel.

The Hallmark Card Organizer Commercial
It's just a box, people. A box.

The Perdue Chicken Spot
I think the Perdue rooster showerhead is kind of kitschy cool. Is that wrong?

Cast Away
FedEx presents Tom Hanks and... Wilson!!!!!! Jokes aside: ABCs broadcast premiere of this movie reminds me of the myriad of reasons why I would not last a day, let alone years, on a deserted island. I think I'm roughing it when I visit someone who doesn't have cable.

Two and a Half Men
What's a stalker got to do to get a hug? Apparently, just invite the maid's slutty 16-year-old granddaughter over to "do" the windows. Do that and, apparently, Charlie will invite you in to keep from committing a crime. Let me explain. On tonight's episode the boys spent 22 minutes going ga-ga over jailbait named Prudence. There were statutory rape jokes aplenty. And I laughed not once. I even cringed when the maid said of her own grandbaby "If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she will be the first one in the family." Talk about sad.

CSI: Miami
I sure wish I'd taped tonight's episode instead of watching it in real time because it was a keeper. And it must be re-watched. Dr. Alexx Woods actually had a juicy story line that allowed her to talk to living people in addition to the dead. (What?!) The Horatio hands-on-hips count was high (about nine). And, at one point, Eric, Calleigh and Tim tossed around a lesson on people who commit suicide as if it were a volleyball. It was brilliant. Plus, there were unintentional Buffy references. They cast Kristy Swanson (aka the original Buffy The Vampire Slayer) as a plastic surgery addict. Then they threw in Leonard Roberts (aka the black commando guy from Buffy). Ode to the slayer.

McDonald's I'm Loving It Commercial
I've seen this commercial a thousand times. Three times tonight alone. Yet this is the first time I noticed Mr. JT (people who care will know who that is) standing on a balcony in the first two seconds. He's right before they flash the fat woman floating in the pool. Cool cameo.

Las Vegas
Quote of the night: "My blue brothers, this is madness." Mike said that to the Blue Man group when they started shredding the cash he gave them. No, Mike. Madness is you turning in that bag full of money. Ain't no way I would find 75,000 unmarked dollars in a gym bag next to a trash can and turn it in. Forgive me, if that's wrong. But it's true. There was no blood or drugs in that bag. And it was Vegas. Shoot. I'm with the British girl. My black butt would have been on vacation in Tahiti.

Average Joe 2: Hawaii
Alright. You knew I'd have more than a few rants about this show. So don't even go getting all annoyed when I ramble. OK? Here goes...
1. Not to knock a 35-year-old, hearing-impaired, I-never-get-the-girl, virgin but was Dennis Luciani really necessary? The &#252bergeek from AJ1 stood up, hula hoops on hideously clothed shoulder to remind us that Average Joe: Hawaii was taped before our show even aired." Alright. We get it already.
2. Whoa, daddies. The first Average Joes got the shaft. Did you see the new guys pool? And the one at Larissa's place. Come on now. As if being in Hawaii wasn't cool enough.
3. Seriously, though, these men have the lowest self-esteem ever. Every other one said something pathetic about himself during his this-is-who-I-am interview. Is that how women come off to men? All whiney about their faults. Woe is me. I'm not a hot papa. (Note to self: Don't do that. Ever.)
4. Stock Trader Brian Glazer's going down. For the "nerd island" and "blimps and wimps" comments alone.
5. Oh, poor Larissa! "Alright, I get it. I'm the butt of the joke," she said after, like, 15 guys had gotten off the white bus. Yeah, she caught on to that pretty quick. (And they call beauty pageants scholarship competitions... whatever.)
6. But let's discuss Miss I-placed-fourth-runner-up-in-swimsuit-competition's freak-out session in the makeup/green room. It was brilliant but suspect. For real. Did editors leave out the part where the producers offered her money to stick around? Cause girlfriend went from "What the bleep did I get myself into?" to "Let's go have fun" way too quick. Those living expenses they cop to paying her must be pretty pricey.
7. Thank goodness Cold Sore — I mean CJ is outta there!!! "Everybody was very aggressive and I wasn't," he said after Larissa gave him the first See-ya speech. "That's why they're still here and I'm going home." No, CJ. You got the ax because of the pox on your lower lip. Sorry. Sucks to be you. But I cringed when you introduced yourself. If you'd leaned in to kiss Larissa on the cheek I would have died for her. And I've already decided to hate the former Miss Missouri for at least two more episodes.
8. By repeatedly reminding us of the upcoming arrival of the hotties, NBC's promotion department is either trying to throw us off the scent of another surprise twist or they're just the stupidest ever.
9. Ummm. If this is an unscripted reality show, what do they need writer Andrew Glassman for? I'm just asking.
10. And for my final thought of the night: Remember that Jodie Foster movie Contact and the moment after the first alien machine was destroyed when the crazy rich guy tells Foster that the government has built a duplicate machine in a secret location? Well, that's what I kept thinking about while I was watching Average Joe 2. See, here's my theory: AJ2 is really like Average Joe 1.B. It's a backup version of a crafty original. Something the producers made just in case the first one blew up. Like the second alien-meeting machine in Contact. Ah... You follow me, right. Well, until next week.