Fear Factor
Right at the outset of tonight's special family edition, host Joe Rogan says, "The stunts you're about to see are extremely dangerous... and should not be attempted by anyone, anywhere, anytime." That said, doesn't asking your child to dip her syrup-soaked head into live, red worms — so you can then pick the bugs off — count as child abuse?
And, what's up with the Kevan/Dakota father-son pair? Kevan, the father, only gets to see his 11-year-old boy, who is clearly a problem child, four days a month. Yet he spends those precious few days subjecting the kid to nationally televised public humiliation (rude boy got spanked by a girl). That's some parenting right there.

VH1's Monday night lineup
Looks like the music network with no identity is trying to give Skinemax a run for its money. On tonight's schedule: Sexy Single Babes, Britney vs. Christina and Getting Naked: Return to Skin. Now, stop it. I didn't watch. And, for real, I did not make those program titles up.

The Next Joe Millionaire: The Finale
Oh, so much to say and so little time.
1) David wept.
2) He didn't choose Cat. (Smart boy!) And she didn't cut him for it. (What?!) In fact, I'm kind of proud of her. When David said, "I don't mean this bad. But I didn't choose you, Cat," girlfriend didn't yell. She didn't cry. All she did was sit back, cross her legs, smirk and no doubt think about a thousand ways to kill a man.
3) So David tells Linda "the truth." And she doesn't $!#*%! show up. Producers made me wait more than ten TV minutes to find that out. (Rat bastards!)
4) My theory: The ending was rigged. This is pure speculation, but I think the producers never intended to have Linda meet David in the foyer. I think they told David one time and her a later time. Then when she showed up and he wasn't there they suggested she go to America.... Again, I say, "Rat bastards." Don't trust them.
5) But do forgive them a little for giving David 90 acres and a ranch house. The way they rode that cowboy... he deserved it! (BTW: I'm still waiting on my 40 acres and a mule.)

I wish one of my male friends would show up at my door holding a baby with a poopy diaper and expect me to change it. Uh-huh. Wait. I just wish one of my male friends would show up at my door.

Uncle Ben's Flavorful Rice commercial
A wedding party all-out rumblin' over raw rice... they are wrong for that!

Half & Half
Phrase of the month: Calling a baby shower a "monster's ball." It's wrong. But bitterly single me is so going to use it.

Two and a Half Men Wow. "Closure" is the Viacom word of the night. First Toni was talking about getting some over on UPN. (What she really meant was "revenge.") Twenty minutes later and guest star Denise Richards is talking about it on the sister network. (Oddly enough, she was going on about it to her real-life husband, Charlie Sheen, who was playing her fake ex.)

Average Joe
Is it wrong that I thought six-pack Alex was super sleazy until he grabbed Melana's hand to say grace? He's, like, "into God" and that's so — Beeeeep! — Tonight's regularly scheduled programming was interrupted by a call from a girlfriend who had just come in out of the desert. (Ladies know what that means.) Sorry Charlies. Or, uh, Joes. But real-life romance wins out over TV hookups every time.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

CSI: Miami
If you haven't seen the episode, I'm about to blow it... 'cause not only did the soon-to-be-ex-wife kill "shark girl," she tried to frame her soon-to-be-ex-husband. And it pisses me off. This was one lady-hating CSI episode — behind every sleazy guy was an even sleazier girl. Case in point: The sketchy private eye had a staff of seductresses who seduced married men. Even sketchier: His sexpots were all hired by the men's untrusting wives to "test" them. Why is it always the woman doing the deviant deeds? It was maddening. And sad. The only good thing about tonight's show was that Adam got much airtime. (How you doin', Adam?)

The "Milkshake" video
This song is the jam! And Kelis works it in the video. But I blame hip-hop clips like this for my frequent party dissatisfaction. Think about it: Miss I-Hate-You-So-Much-Right-Now is in a roadside diner singing about a "milkshake". Then, out of nowhere, a crowd of hip-hop heads gathers, a nu-school soul train line forms and everybody's bouncing to the same beat. It's near-sacrilegious fun. In a diner, people. Can I get that in a packed party? Yeah, uh... NO.