Fear Factor: The Couples Finale
Superduo Adam and Meg did not make it to the finals. (What?!) Yes, y'all. They've been kicking butt for weeks. But tonight, when the million-dollar prize was on the line, Meg would not let them lock her in a glass casket filled with tarantulas and crickets. "I can't do it!" she said. And I thought her boyfriend, Adam, was going to kill her for it. Actually, can someone go check on her? 'Cause I fear what Adam might have done after the cameras stopped rolling. Seriously. We need some follow-up.

I normally don't watch Eve. But this was a cute episode. When Simone (played by Queen Latifah) started reviewing her sister's business plan instead of just praising Eve for a job well done, it got me to thinking. Maybe when my little sister handed me her r&#233sum&#233, she really just wanted me to tell her what a good job she'd done. Being the slow one in our sibling pair, I, of course, immediately started correcting her grammar and punctuation. Great. Girl, if you're reading this, I'm sorry.

Poor William. I can't believe Lynn made him pay alimony — as if their marriage weren't a Britney Spears-esque joke. At least he got back at her, though. Made her donate the settlement in order to get the painting she loved. (Do I love any item that much that? Hmmm.) And you know what else I can't believe? That I'm writing about William as if he were a real person. That can't be good.

Two and a Half Men
Alan finally gets the babe! Too bad his girly it's-been-so-long-since-I've-been-touched moment had me rollin' on the floor. God, please tell me we are not like that. Please. Whoa. I just did it again, didn't I? Writing about fake people as if they were real.

Las Vegas
Question: ER covered up a patient's bare breast last week. Yet the Vegas folks were allowed to show multiple perky, high-beam nipple shots during a wet T-shirt contest in the Montecito. Why?

The Welcome to Mooseport commercials
They don't make me want to see this movie. But they did make me realize that Rip Torn has the best name ever! He's ripped and torn. That's all I want to say.

CSI: Miami
Vocab of the night:
Petechial eye: Blood spotted eyes that suggest a person was strangled or suffocated to death.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. This show makes science sexy and it makes me feel smart. But heaven forbid I ever actually have to use the knowledge I pick up on this show. I mean, seriously. It is not a good day when I notice the signs of strangulation.

Average Joe 2
OK, here's the deal: You know I hate that they had to do a "fat suit" episode, right? That said, I have to admit I think She Who Will Not Be Named has got some nerve sending Michael home. No, I'm not siding with the pretty boys. I'm just saying Michael was the only one who spoke the truth when asked what quality he doesn't find attractive in a woman. He doesn't like big women. Boom. You don't want to know the truth, you don't ask the question. I mean, watching that girl get upset over Michael's hidden camera comments was ridiculous. No, it was the pot calling the kettle black. She was acting like she didn't throw a hissy fit when she first saw the average Joes. I mean, come on. Now, I was surprised that she sent Tony home. I thought, if anything, that Vanity Smurf would have kept Tony around because he could keep painting portraits of her. But she said she thought Tony didn't have a sense of humor and she hinted that he was lacking in the personality department. Whatever. She got rid of all the guys with personality a long time ago. What does she expect? Shoot. This girl is giving me a headache.

Bad Apple
Hello, Chris Noth! Here's a funny thing about television: While the suave Mr. Big was sitting outside Carrie's apartment on HBO2's Sex and the City repeat, he was also — 51 channels away (on my cable box) — handcuffed and hyperventilating in the back of a mobster's truck in TNT's appropriately named Bad Apple movie. Talk about getting around.

The Passion of the Christ
Holy free publicity! I couldn't not know about Mel Gibson's "controversial new movie" if I tried. Seriously. I did not even watch Diane Sawyer's interview with Gibson. (Hey, I was taping Average Joe and watching CSI: Miami. There's only so much TV-watching a girl can do.) Yet I still know that Mel said God made his bed, ordained this film and that the Aussie actor was inspired to write and direct Passion after hitting a drunken rock bottom 13 years ago. Why? Because I caught snippets of the Sawyer interview on NBC's Extra shortly after 7 pm. Then, less than a half hour later, I saw the ABC World News Tonight excerpts on NBC's Access Hollywood. Yes, you read right. ABC news on NBC. Apparently the folks at Access couldn't get access to the clips, so they taped ABC's news and replayed it on their show. Goodness gracious. And I know I'm ranting here. But the brouhaha is out of control. People need to get a grip. It's a movie, y'all. It's not like Janet's boob during the half-time show. You will not accidentally see this film unless you go down to a theater and pay for it. So can we get on with our lives? OK.