It's a tale as old as time: Person gains minor fame on television. Person then becomes convinced they can sing.
No TV franchise has given us more of these TV stars-turned-wannabe pop stars than Bravo's Real Housewives. Sometimes, this career change works out, giving us genuinely good bops. Other times... not so much.
In honor of Beverly Hills' resident diva and self-proclaimed "c--t" Erika Jayne releasing her new single, "XXPEN$IVE," we decided to see how it stacks up against the work of her peers. So grab your Ramona Pinot and take a deep breath, because here's every Real Housewives song, ranked.
24. Simon van Kempen, "I Am Real"
"Sick of bitchy and bossy, get down with this Aussie / What you see is what you get, and don't you get me yet?"
Simon was one of the most insufferable Real Housewives stars and he wasn't even a Housewife! And yet he still forced this travesty upon the world.
23. Michaele Salahi, "Bump It"
"Will someone please hurry up and dance with me? / Cause I'm alone on the dance floor"
Michaele tried to turn her minor fame as a DC Housewife and one half of the notorious White House crashers into a music career. It failed.
22. Melissa Gorga, "I Just Wanna"
"Yeah baby, call me rubber and I'll just call you glue / Now just put your hand over your mouth so that it sticks to you"
This entire video feels like a mix of a bad Jersey Shore fever dream and one of those booths in the mall where you can lip sync in front of a green screen.
21. Gretchen Rossi, "Nothing Without You"
"I'll always long for you / You're the one who saved me"
After Gretchen's fiancé died of leukemia, she put out this single that would have been, sweet had her relationship with Jeff been sweeter.
20. Gretchen Rossi, "The Time Is Now"
"We collided unexpected / But we didn't know it then"
Gretchen recorded this song for when she proposed to Slade on Orange County. She would have been better off giving him one of her homemade purses.
19. Melissa Gorga, "On Display"
"Got me feeling all these feelings and it's driving me insane / Paparazzi watching me do my thang"
Gorga had barely been on Real Housewives when she released this single all about the stress of fame.
18. Melissa Gorga, "How Many Times"
"I love you, I love you, I love you / I really do"
Let's not romanticize Melissa and Joe's relationship and pretend it's perfect. Nope nope nope.
17. Kim Zolciak, "Google Me"
"I'm not the same as them, the same as them / My name is Kim Zolciak / You can find me on your TV screen / Do your research honey /Click them keys, Google me"
If only Kim and Kandi's collaboration hadn't fallen apart, then we might have gotten the "Tardy for the Party" follow-up that the world deserves.
16. Gretchen Rossi, "Revelation"
"Situation / It's my persuasion / It's the equation"
We wish we loved anything as much as Gretchen loved this song. And props to the man next to her for pretending to know the words (honey, you don't, and that's OK).
15. Porsha Williams, "Flatline"
"I need a shot to my chest / I just flatlined"
How did Kenya convince Cordell Stewart to be in this video? Someone please explain that. It truly boggles the mind.
14. Luann de Lesseps, "Chic, C'est La Vie"
"Ramona bring that Pinot / Sonja, her man! / Kelly, the jelly beans / Alex and Simon / And I'll bring the diamonds"
This song isn't Lu's best single but the cameos from Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon make this her best video, for sure.
13. Jo De La Rosa, "You Can't Control Me"
"I'm dying to break out / Ready to freak out"
Jo deserves some credit for being the first Housewife to think she's a singer, opening the doors for the Countesses and Kim Zolciaks that followed. And to be honest, "You Can't Control Me" isn't terrible (although the lyrics do feel a little too real at times when you remember her dynamic with her ex Slade, who just so happened to be her manager).
12. Kandi Burruss, "Haven't Loved Right"
"I haven't loved right since you left / I forgot what it means to love someone to death"
Kandi put out this song to a tribute to her late fiancé A.J. Jewell, who was killed in a bar brawl. And yet it fails to pull on our heart strings in the way that any good, tragic ballad should.
11. Kandi Burruss, "Fly Above"
"I'm like a jet airplane / Way too high to hear you / Throwing salt on my name"
This is the woman who gave us "No Scrubs," so we understandably had high expectations for Kandi's new music. And "Fly Above" is just... fine.
10. Luann de Lesseps, "Girl Code"
"Don't care really who you are / Not really"
The best part of "Girl Code" is that Lu somehow dragged Victoria into this nonsense. You're better than this, Victoria! Save yourself!
9. Danielle Staub, "Real Close"
"You're the one I want to run to, you're the one I want to call / Then why I am I so scared to be close to you?"
It's hard to believe Danielle was only on two seasons of Housewives (so far). She truly gave us a lot in such a short time, including this kind of decent duet with her alleged love interest Lori Michaels.
8. Sheree Whitfield, "Who Gon' Check Me Boo"
"Sayin' that you're rich but I know that's all a mirage / Stuntin' like you a star / You need to quit it girl, stop"
Sheree has been milking this catchphrase for all its worth, and with her first (and only) single it actually pays dividends! The beat is fun and the sped-up sample of her dialogue transports us right back to the moment the line was first uttered. Plus, there's a good chance the entire single is a pointed dig at her then-enemy NeNe Leakes, which makes the entire song that much juicier.
7. Kim Zolciak and Kandi Burruss, "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing"
Honestly, this song is so much better than a lot of Kandi's own music. We don't understand why they never finished working on this track. Well, it might have something to do with this.
6. Kenya Moore, "Gone with the Wind Fabulous"
"You say I'm old / I say I'm fabulous"
There's nothing Housewives love more than taking a quote of theirs and building it into a whole song. And while "Gone with the Wind Fabulous" isn't exactly a banger, it's beautiful in its simplicity.
5. Luann de Lesseps, "Money Can't Buy You Class"
"Elegance is learned, my friends / Elegance is learned, oh yeah!"
Lu cannot sing for the life of her. This song is absolutely terrible. And yet we love it. We can't explain it, but every time this song comes on, we turn into the men on the boat in Miami.
4. Kim Zolciak, "Tardy for the Party"
"Hurry up, don't be late / I'll meet you at the place"
Can Kim sing? God no. She's probably completely tone deaf. But there's a reason this was the most successful Real Housewives single back in the day.
3. Miss Laurence, "Closet Freak"
"You want to ring my alarm, to put out my fire / But I'm not just a closet freak to fuel your desire"
Unlike most of the actual Housewives, Miss Laurence has pipes! And thanks to his collaboration with Kandi, this song is actually pretty great.
2. Erika Jayne, "XXPEN$IVE"
"My kitty's like a python / Ticking like a time-bomb"
Erika had been doing music long before she joined Beverly Hills, so it's no surprise that her recent singles blow everyone else's out of the water. (Her husband Tom's money doesn't hurt either). But all that aside, "XXPEN$IVE" is a legit bop and Erika carries herself with such poise and sex appeal, we just want to be her.
1. Erika Jayne, "How Many F--ks"
"How many f---s do I give? / None! Not one! / Zero, zero, zero, done!"
A lot of reality stars who put out music never get the credit they deserve (looking at you, Paris Hilton and "Stars Are Blind"). And it's a real shame too, because "How Many F---ks" is a perfect pop song. It's catchy, it's cheeky, it's sexy and the video is a whole lot of fun. And so while "Tardy for the Party" and "Money Can't Buy You Class" might be more iconic songs, at the end of the day, Erika is the only Housewife who feels like a legitimate pop star.