[WARNING: The following story contains spoilers from Tuesday's series finale of Cougar Town. Read at your own risk, and preferably with a big ol' glass of vino.]
Finger guns? Check! Penny Can can? Check! Bottle(s) of red wine? Check! OK, we're officially armed and ready for the series finale of Cougar Town. The episode starts out with - brace yourself - Jules working! It's a shock, but it's understandable since she's trying to sell Grayson's old bachelor pad, and Jules is very strict about who is allowed to move to the cul-de-sac. She scares away the first potential buyers, a couple, because A. the guy is eight years sober and B. his other half has a serious case of resting b--- face. It's so bad, it might be contagious!
Jules' dad, Chick, is staying with her and Grayson, which leads to an accidental middle-of-the-night threesome that will scar Grayson for life. Spoiler alert: Jules' dad sleeps in the nude. The thought of a family ménage à trois - only on Cougar Town! - leads to Jules' realization that she wants Travis and Laurie to move into Grayson's old place. Ellie pulls out an imaginary knife and kills both herself and Grayson.
The title card for the finale is the best: "Thank you for watching Sunshine State! We finally got that new title!!"
It's Jules' birthday and yet again, she has an insane request for a present. She wants to see her own funeral so that she can hear what people would say about her and see who cried and who didn't. Oh, and she also wants a baby tiger. The attention shifts to Ellie because she is concerned about sending Stan to the crappy local public school - which, un-coincidentally, is where Laurie went. Ummm... Andy doesn't seem too concerned about Stan because he got Jules the best gift: Bobby via a tablet. But Bobby says that he should be his own gift for Jules. Sure, Bobby is missed, but does anyone really want their ex-husband who cheated on them for their birthday? Let's think about that for a second. That's more likely Andy's gift to Andy.
At a Winebulance event, Ellie takes everyone by surprise when she says that Stan can go to school in the next town over, but only if they move, which causes Jules to drop one of her two glasses of wine in dramatic, slo-mo fashion. "That's why I carry two glasses," she explains. Jules and Ellie have to immediately begin house-hunting because Stan can only be eligible if they move by the first of the month, which is tomorrow - hey, that lined up nicely with real life! Obviously, Jules is not taking things well. As Andy leaves their possible new place after an unfortunate penis joke with Bobby, he delivers a heartfelt speech to Jules about how she's always made him feel special.
Jules fends off her depression with a baby fix courtesy of Laurie and Travis, who tell her they met an old rich guy who wants to invest in the Winebulance. Jules says how proud she is, and Travis thanks her for always supporting him in his endeavors and calls her the best mom ever. And she didn't even have to live in his pocket! Tom also drops by to say that his new girlfriend wants him to hang around less, and tells Jules she's always made him feel included.
Before her big birthday party, Chick informs Jules that they have a cousin named Pootie - hey, it's Florida! - and after the party, he's going to go with Pootie to the Keys for a few weeks while his health is still good. She's a little alarmed, and Chick remarks what a good daughter she's been and how she's always taken good care of him. "I just feel like everybody is abandoning me," Jules tells Grayson as she genuinely starts to freak out. But Grayson is happy that they will finally get some time alone to walk around naked and drink water from coconuts. WHAT ABOUT THE WINE, GRAYSON? "It will be great, I promise," he says.
In the middle of a game of "Trendy Nightclub Penny Can," Grayson informs Jules that her gift is the party, and that there are no actual presents. The big problem? Laurie and Travis aren't drinking because their rich old investor needs them in South Carolina the next day for an investor meeting. Even worse? They have to move. Grayson hands Jules Big Chuck, which she drops and kills. She then watches the movers take everything out of Ellie's house. Ellie says they'll never be far apart because Jules is her best friend and the one who got her to open up. Bobby tries to cheer Jules up virtually and says she's the best thing that ever happened to her. It's time for Travis and Laurie to leave, so the tears are flowing and Jules won't release Travis from her clutches. Laurie tells Jules she was the first person to make her see more in herself, and then she and Travis drive off.
Jules officially goes to the dark place and tells Grayson she doesn't want it to just be the two of them. "I have way too much love to give. You couldn't handle all that love," she says. Grayson slowly comes to agree with her and says that it was because of Jules that he let his walls down and learned to let people in. Jules asks why he's talking about her like she's dead. "Isn't that what you wanted as a birthday present?" he asks. And then the music starts and all the tributes and kind words move into focus. Psych, Jules!
At the exact moment it becomes Jules' birthday, 11:48 p.m., everyone comes back and it turns out everything was a lie. Except for the parts about how much everyone loves Jules, of course. And that's not even the best part! Grayson reveals that he and Chick helped loan Travis and Laurie enough money to buy his old place, and then the waterworks really start. Cut to the gang in Jules' kitchen, drinking wine as they always do. Jules insists that "déjà vu" should really be "déjà view" and Ellie approves the change, natch. "Do you guys ever wonder if this is what we'll be doing for the rest of our lives?" Jules asks. "I mean, we're all adults, so the odds are, not that much is going to change. We're going to probably do this for the rest of our years. Just drinking wine and hanging out, doing nothing. We are so lucky." The gang cheers and then everyone embraces as the credits roll.
So that's it for Cougar Town. Jules and the gang will stay together to see another day... and to consume a lot more very full glasses of wine. This is also my last post for TVGuide.com, so let's pour one for that, too! Cheers, everyone!
What did you think of the Cougar Town finale?