Despite the fact that Bones ran for 12 seasons, I had never watched an episode of the Fox procedural, with the exception of its 2015 crossover with Sleepy Hollow (which is a whole other story). But that has never stopped me from talking about Bones. I don't know why, but I absolutely love talking about Bones!
Maybe that's because it's hilarious that the show was called Bones because the main character was nicknamed "Bones" because she worked with bones. Maybe I just like saying the word "bones" a lot! Or maybe it's because of key art like this, which is practically begging people who don't watch Bones to question what the hell is happening on this show and whether they really are this playful with the human bones they're investigating.
But images like this are about as bizarre as I thought Bones got. That is, until my colleague recently showed me this cursed promo that makes the Bones-Sleepy Hollow crossover look completely normal.
May I present to you the 2009 promo video set to Oingo Boingo's "Dead Man's Party."
There are so many things about this promo that boggle the mind, the first of which is the runtime. 92 seconds? That is way too long! And yet once I started watching, I realized it was not long enough, because I hadn't even begun to process what I was watching by the time to video wrapped.
Since Bones concluded two years ago and I frankly don't care enough to do any actual research on the matter, my many, many questions about what the hell is happening in this promo will likely go unanswered. But let's walk through some of the mysteries that will now keep me up at night through the end of my days.
1. Why are they doing this not only to the actors, but to us?
We don't deserve this. Nobody does.
2. Why would David Boreanaz and Emily Deschanel agree to do this?
They have a bajillion dollars! If they don't have the clout to say no to something like this, the rest of us are doomed.
3. How embarrassed do you think they were doing this?
Or were they like, "Screw it, I sleep on a bed of cash. IDGAF"?
4. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?!
I know I said that I didn't care enough to research this, but the skull bongos are just so wild that I might need to track down the promo's director and demand answers.
5. Did this dude just give his coworker a human skull as a gift?
That is not funny! Has he not seen Se7en?!
6. Are they now trying to tell us that the guy from Freaks and Geeks ate a whole fish, INCLUDING THE BONES?
Is this a running joke in the show? Like he doesn't chew his food or is really into eating fish? I just don't get it, but I am also extremely concerned for him.
7. Doing a conga line with a rack of skeletons is actually hilarious though.
I approve of this one. Great choice.
Bones is available to stream on Hulu. This cursed promo is now available in your memory until your dying day. You're welcome.