Bachelor in Paradise Has Ruined Blake's Life

The Blake Show -- I meanBachelor in Paradiseis in full swing now. The cast is all settled in and doing their goofy opening credits thing, and the drama is already ruining people's lives. Bachelor in Paradise: Where villains go for redemption and perfect little angels go to destroy themselves!

The show started with Onyeka recapping everything that happened with Blake sleeping with Kristina and Caeylnn on successive days at the Stagecoach music festival and (allegedly) being a callous f-boy about it. Caelynn can't let it go and remained furious as Kristina took him out on a date. Little did she or Blake know, Kristina had plans for Blake of her own.

They went on a dune buggy ride through the jungle, and then while they were having drinks, Kristina confronted him about his disrespectful behavior at the Stagecoach music festival. His side of the story is that things got out of control that night with Caelynn at the Stagecoach music festival, and they both agreed it was a mistake and decided to be friends. This, dear reader, is not Caelynn's version of the story. Kristina was like "It was disrespectful," and Blake said, "I've made my bed, and I will sleep in it."

"Did you change the sheets?" Kristina snapped back. Kristina is my second favorite woman in this franchise after Jacqueline Trumbull.

Speaking of my illustrious podcast cohost, I will channel Jacqueline and defend Blake a little bit. What he did was grimy and insensitive (and hopefully he used protection), but it didn't rise to the level of necessitating character assassination on this level. "I'm not in a relationship with anybody," he said, which is true. It doesn't sound like he was leading anybody on and telling them he wants a relationship, he's just being a single guy indulging in the fact that women desire him. Everyone on this show, men and women alike, does what Blake did. They're treating him like a cheater, and he's not. As he said, he and Caelynn were single adults who had a one-night stand, and he and Kristina seem to have no illusions about their own past relationship being anything other than casual. For Kristina to say he humiliated her and ask him to apologize to her on TV seems disingenuous, and he was justified in pointing that out. I like Kristina less now. "Be a man, Blake" was just too much.

Blake and Caelynn finally talked, and Blake acted genuinely baffled by how upset Caelynn was. He seemed like he really had a different understanding of the situation. He thought they'd agreed it was one-time thing, no feelings caught, but he just saw what he wanted to see. He didn't pay attention to Caelynn's feelings and acted callously. He thought they were on the same page because that was more convenient to him than seeing her as a person with feelings. It's on her for letting it get to her and making what clearly seems like a drunken one-night stand into something more than it was, and (completely understandably!) not telling him how she really felt in the moment. But Blake behaved poorly. He should not have been so cavalier with Caelynn's feelings and talked about other women in front of her and called her a mistake and tried to keep their hook-up secret (though whether or not he actually did that last one seems unclear. There's a difference between not publicizing a prior relationship and denying it). But if he is genuinely surprised that he hurt Caelynn as bad as he did, Blake seems like he is capable of seeing the error of his ways. Most of Bachelor Nation will not buy it if Blake gets a reformed f-boy redemption narrative by the end of Paradise, but wouldn't you like to see a man learn from his mistakes? And this is all supposing Caelynn's version of the story is the true one, which it might not be.

While the episode was airing, Blake released text message conversations purportedly with Caelynn that, if genuine, put what happened in Stagecoach and what's happening on the show in a very different light. If these are genuine -- and they seem to exonerate Blake almost too cleanly -- Caelynn initiated the hookup and was clear it was just sex, and then suggested that once they were in Paradise they play it off like it was no big deal. Decide for yourself.

In happier news, Dylan and Hannah G. were really hitting it off. But Wills still had his eye on her, and he talked to her about being open and got her to kiss him. And then he got Dylan to help him up from the day bed when Hannah's other suitor came over to steal her. Hannah immediately told Dylan that Wills kissed her, and she wasn't sure if she was into him or not.

Bibiana, for the second straight Paradise, was not connecting with anyone, but then Wells urged her to make a move for Clay. They had a nice conversation, but Nicole talked to Clay, too. Clay admitted to Nicole that he never told Angela he loved her. And his body language with Nicole was closer than Bibiana's. He asked her when he got a date card. Bibiana cried when he didn't pick her, because she's a crier.

Annaliese said Clay told her friend Angela -- who he dated for eight months but didn't love and broke up with three months before going on Paradise -- that he was going to marry her, he just needed to figure himself out. She confronted him, and Clay said she was misinformed. Clay said if he had talked about the future with Angela, it was early in the relationship, when he still saw a future with her. He politely brushed her off, and in an ITM said she should focus on finding a relationship of her own. And then he went on a date with Nicole. Back at the resort, Demi talked very sensibly to Annaliese about stirring up drama that she didn't really have any part in and said that Annaliese should keep her eyes on her own paper. And then in an ITM she said what she really meant: "Grandma's off her meds." She said Annaliese is an extremely poor judge of character. (Last season, Annaliese fell hard for Kamil, one of the most dead-eyed dudes this franchise has ever produced. He dumped her onstage during the reunion show.)

In an ITM, Blake cried thinking about how hard it's going to be back in the real world. He knew he was going to be hated when the show aired, and he was ashamed that his family was going to see him like this. "My life is going to completely change, and not for the better." It's TV, but it's his real life. He made his bed, and it's going to suck to lie in it.

It was time for the cocktail party before the first rose ceremony. Nine men, 12 women. Blake was so stressed and jittery. He pulled Tayshia aside to see if he still had a chance with her. She told him Kristina painted him in a very bad light. He pulled Caelynn aside and apologized to her. She said she wanted to move on. We'll see. Realizing that she'd spent the past two days sulking instead of making connections with other guys, she went and kissed Cam, securing her rose for the night. Onyeka and John Paul Jones kissed, and Jane fed him tacos that were so spicy he threw up on the beach. The girl loves hot sauce too much. "I'm fine, don't worry about me," he said in his weird voice.

I think it's time for Bibiana to retire from the franchise.

Hannah G. told Wills she would rather accept Dylan's rose. Wills cried in his ITM. Keep your head up, king! Someone is out there for you!

Blake, absolutely wylin out at this point, said he had a surprise for Hannah G. He pulled her aside and said he made some mistakes on the road to Paradise, but she's the reason he's here. They made out, and it was good. She went and told Dylan what just happened. She said she felt like a bad person. In an ITM, Dylan said he felt dumb. It's the second time he's had this conversation this week. Hannah didn't know what to do. She just knew she was definitely getting a rose from someone.

Man, what a dramatic cocktail party! So dramatic that they didn't even get to the rose ceremony. We'll see you next week for the thrilling conclusion of Hannah's cliffhanger!

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC. It's available to stream on Hulu.