It's easy to forget, but Bachelor in Paradise is the most successful show in the franchise in terms of couples produced. It has the shortest filming duration, but it has people choosing each other in a highly concentrated get-to-know-you environment. Paradise, for all its insanity and drama, actually works. Two of the five seasons have produced marriages and children. Those two successful couples — Jade and Tanner and Evan and Carly — showed up this episode to model the Process to the current crop of contestants.
The spouses interviewed the current couples to determine who would get a date card. Venmo John has kissed seven girls! Eric is still talking about moving with the cheese! Grocery Joe is a hypochondriac! Venmo John! Has kissed! Seven girls! They picked Kendall and Grocery Joe for the date, but there was a twist: The parents were going on their own date while Kendall and Joe babysat their kids. Before the babies arrived, Joe was adamant that kids like him and that he would be great with the kids, but of course the baby Joe was holding cried the whole time. He held her like he was holding a watermelon. And then as soon as he gave her to Kendall she stopped. And then when the parents came back, Grocery Joe and Kendall got to go on a real date.
Are the babies the only people in America that don't like Grocery Joe? #BachelorInParadise— Bill Nickles (@btjabrone127) September 5, 2018
Eric decided he just wanted to be friends with Cassandra (but maybe still make out and stuff) and came off really immature and dishonest, like once again all the attention he had shown her before was just to get a rose. Like she was doing something wrong by expecting more from him. Cassandra, who I like more and more each time she talks, was like, "I don't think you're ready for a relationship at all. I think you have a lot of growth you need to do." Eric literally said "this is my truth," which is an incredibly cliche way of excusing yourself for selfish behavior.
Give me a full three hours of Cassandra calling out Eric's bullshit #BachelorInParadise— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) September 5, 2018
Eric started crying about how much he missed Angela — whom he rejected to pursue Cassandra, remember, a detail he seems to have forgotten — and said he couldn't give Cassandra what she wanted. So he went and woke her up from a nap and told her he was leaving. The whole thing made Eric look like a dude who will try to rewrite reality to fit his narrative. What a spectacular collapse from a dude I once wanted to be the Bachelor.
People played truth or dare. Olivia and Venmo John made out while eating a jalapeño. Shusanna was still into Kamil and kept staring at him even though Kamil wasn't into her. She insinuated she wanted to murder Annaliese. It was awkward. NZ Jordan liked Shushanna, but she was hung up on Kamil. They went out on ONE DATE, and he didn't like her. Shu (I remember when she was called Shush, and I wonder when and why she dropped the "sh"). Shu, what's up?
"I'm not crazy."— Alison - NYC Recessionista (@NYRecessionista) September 5, 2018
Shushanna - you do realize that's what crazy people say, right?#BachelorinParadise
Chris and Krystal went on a date, but I don't like Chris (or Krystal, that much), so it was hard to get invested. I did like that a raccoon interrupted their date right when Chris was about to say he loved her.
NZ Jordan wanted to take Shu on a date, but she turned him down. But then, correctly, he opted to take Cassandra. "Shu is walking that fine line between persistent and cray-cray," Kevin said. Shu pulled Kamil aside, and he was like, "I already told you, nah." It was really awkward.
Kamil then floated the idea Shushanna was doing witchcraft on him and Annaliese, which made Annaliese decide that it was time to confront her. The two battiest people remaining hashing it out. Annaliese might actually believe in witchcraft? And Shu might actually believe that Annaliese actually thinks she's a witch? Very strange stuff! It's Paradise! Honestly, though, after all of the hype in promos about Shushanna being a witch, the offhandedness of it all was kind of anticlimactic.
Oh hey, Diggy's here! Hi Diggy! Diggy is funny on Twitter. It might be too late for Diggy, but he asked out Olivia after Shu turned him down. Shu doesn't know why she's like this. She was going to leave, but then Olivia talked her into staying to try to give it another shot with NZ Jordan, who seemed to be having a nice time with Cassandra.
So Shu just needed someone to tell her she should be with New Zealand Jordan and now she decides that what she wants? Girl BYE #bachelorinparadise— Briana Luca (@bribrilukes) September 5, 2018
Olivia and Diggy's date was just nice.
I'm digging Diggy and Olivia #bachelorinparadise— B4 C (@bc54_52) September 5, 2018
And then Shu planned a whole date to hang out with Jordan? What? She was making no sense. Other people warned Jordan that Shu was a witch who cried six times that day. Jordan was not into it. Shu told him that she was jealous when he went on his date with Cassandra, and he was like "uh, okay. I'm not sure what you want." She ran away crying, and Jordan went and gave her a nice pep talk about having fun and meeting people and not acting like a crazy witch, and she was like "Nooo, I'm a kook!"
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.