The Bachelor
Dear Charlie O'Connell,
Hey, Chuckles, what's up? Listen, I gotta say, you are so screwed. And not in a good way. Well, maybe. We'll get to that later.
First though, I have to say I have no idea how Sara B., Sarah W. and Krisily made your final three. Granted, Sara B. is cute and I'm so glad you finally got that kiss you've been jonesing for, but the other two are like the poster girls for dying alone. Seriously, tonight's trip to Aruba was painful, watching you fill the one-on-one dates with chatter about how much fun you were having instead of actually having the fun. And what's with the idiotic line that you and Sarah W. "both like the same thing... relaxation and sunshine"? Of course you do! We all do, you dolt. Find me someone who'd prefer stress and a dank corner to a sailboat ride in Aruba. Come on. Good thing you didn't hear her confessional stuff or the restraining orders would be flying. "Charlie and I are meant to be together." "I'm his perfect match." "The voices in my head say he loves me." It was creepy. And unless I missed the scene in Do the Right Thing where the blonde with big rack was sent to the back of the bus, she may want to quit comparing being hated for her beauty to racism, you know?
I'd say that dumping her was a smart move, but that still leaves you with Krisily. Even though she was slightly less hateful, being all cute about leaving the country for the first time, there's something wrong about a woman who cried about being too claustrophobic to don a fencing mask two weeks ago, yet strapped on scuba gear faster than you could say "Jerry, get me a gig on Crossing Jordan." And who has never seen a sunset before, anyway? Oh, I know. The kind who brags that "it was great waking up next to" a guy after guilting him into an overnight invite to the "fantasy suite." Tender. Or, as Crassily would say, "rohme-ANNN-tic."
Sara B. is your best overall choice. And even that isn't saying much, since there is no way you're going to pick the adorable churchgoing nurse over a salon receptionist whose own grandmother is pushing her to give you the milkshake. Which is fitting this season, I guess. After all, it's not like folks are making good choices about who we have to listen to on American Idol. Why should you be any different about who you have to listen to on the ride to the free clinic?
Anyway, good luck, dude,
Damian J. Holbrook

Las Vegas
OK, if anyone didn't agree with my cracks last week about this show putting T&A above nearly everything else — on second thought, let's drop the nearly — let the first two seconds of this episode be Exhibit A of my case. Quick shot of flying jet, followed by clouds, which morph into feather-covered cleavage and a subsequent extreme close-up of a showgirl's butt. Case closed. And not that there's anything wrong with a series that knows what it is.

Speaking of which: "I'd like a whore, please," says geek-engineer Dave Foley, prompting Mike to explain to the Kitty Ranch hostess that he's a little anxious. "I'm not anxious. I just don't like euphemisms," Foley explains, right before heading off with a pro lady and leaving his wedding ring behind. (Lesson for every married man — aside from the one about never sleeping with another woman to begin with — is the one my dad taught me: Regardless of your intention, whether it's doing chin-ups or fixing the car, never take that sucker off. Ever. Dad knows about such things after decades and decades with Mom. And it works; I've still got mine, and the woman who came with it.

"It's hard to show your friend a sweat suit when it's shoved down the front of your pants," says Mary, demolishing the explanation of the shoplifter she caught. Let it never be said truth is a stranger to this show. Here's what's confusing, though: It looked to me like the computer came up with blue eyes for the killer in the surveillance video they used to nab Kenny the burger-joint manager. So how come Kenny's eyes didn't look blue to me? Pray for me, people. After years of professional-grade TV-watching, I'm beginning to doubt my cathode-sponge gifts here.

And the line that actually got a laugh out of me this week came from geek-engineer Dave's wife after seeing his real ring and his recently acquired replacement. "Two rings," she observes. "Whores again?" Which gets you thinking in a way only Las Vegas can: Isn't it always? — Michael Peck

Amy Abbot is such a smart girl. Not just because she's got the grades to get into Princeton, but the fact that she caught on to Ephram's wishy-washy ways and handled the situation in such a mature way, by politely ditching his sorry butt. (God, I wish I'd been half as composed and together in my senior year of high school.) While I feel for Ephram's baby drama, his revelation that he never had any long-term intentions for a relationship with the person he was supposedly madly in love with? I can't just chalk that up to the current situation. I just think that the small-town girl could do so much better than this city boy who is getting too big for his britches. Especially — and I say this as a hetero female — if he couldn't see what a hottie Amy was in that sexy new dress. (BTW, I know many of you complained that I was too hard on Ephram last week, but a whopping 76 percent of people who voted in our poll yesterday agreed that the moody boy isn't handling the whole Amy thing well.)

But poor Mama Abbot. I just thought she was going through early menopause. Then the look of excitement on Dr. Crankypants' face when he thought that he was going to be a third-time parent was almost as adorable as when he started skipping through town when he found out his other offspring got into New Jersey's Ivy League school. And speaking of N.J., note to Amy's little pals: I don't think she'll need Mace or any other sort of weapons to survive in the Garden State. Besides, the Sopranos takes place in North Jersey, nowhere near Princeton.

And I was so glad to see Dr. Dimples' brother leave town. I get that he's worried about his big bro's lifestyle switcheroo, but planting seeds of doubt while his older sib is thinking about setting down roots? That's just not nice. And so rude to do it in front of Andy, which led to a heart-to-heart and then to Jake spilling the beans about Nina's long-time lusting after Doc Brown. You know that is just going to put a damper on poor Bailey's love affair... and did anyone else catch the offhand line about Jake's brother being an alcoholic and have a PO5 moment? — Angel Cohn

Here's a surefire way to make sure your girlfriend breaks up with you: bust into the operating room where her estranged husband is having surgery due to injuries he sustained saving your life just a few hours earlier. Hold the surgeon at gunpoint and insist he work on your wounded prisoner who has much-needed terrorist information. Let your girlfriend get hysterical as her husband dies on the table as a result of the neglect. (Yep, it's really over.) I don't know about you, but I was rolling my eyes over that one. Did we really need such a bizarre twist in an otherwise great ep? Palmer authorizing the illegal capture of the Chinese terrorist helping Marwan? Jack breaking into the Chinese consulate, risking his life to grab Lee Jong? The Chinese consul getting shot during Jong's capture, raising suspicion of U.S. involvement? (Um, Jack knows that his smash-and-grab was the political equivalent of invading China, right? And how many people now know about this?) If that wasn't enough drama, how about Michelle getting all steamed when she finds out Tony's been living with someone? And Buchanan losing his cool when he finds out that Tony kept him out of the loop when he ran the mission to capture Jong? Or Chloe worrying that she's "all psycho" because she didn't feel anything when she killed Marwan's associate? So who's gonna lose it first? (I say Chloe.) So many great leads. But in the meantime, let's hope that Jong survives his surgery, or else Audrey will be the least of Jack's worries.— Robin Honig

What would you do if you found out that an otherwise good cop framed someone for murder? And he did it because the guy once got away with a heinous child kidnapping? Would you turn him in, ruin his career and let the criminal go free? It's the dilemma Allison faces, special powers or no special powers. I'm surprised when she tells Joe she would've done exactly what Scanlon did. Really? She seems way too honest and earnest to pull off something so wrong. (And can't investigators tell the difference between a self-inflicted gunshot wound and an execution-style murder anyway?) At least Allison was smart enough to drop off the tape with Devalos anonymously, proving Butler's innocence while protecting Scanlon. And good thing she was able to find that little girl buried in the golf course, which sent Butler right back to jail, 'cause when the moral compass falters, at least her visions set her straight. — RH

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