That '70s Show
Coming from an Abbott & Costello family, I must say, The Three Stooges spoof wasn't bad. Though I never saw the funny in pulling someone's nose or throwing pies, Kelso and the guys had me laughing. And I love how they got in trouble for breaking into the Police Academy, but not for smoking up in the drug-raid evidence room. Sort of makes me wish I had been a teen in the 1970s. The biggest buzz I got back then was double-dosing on Flintstones chewable vitamins.

American Idol
Yikes! Out of like, a gazillion auditions, this is the best 87? The guys can barely manage Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" and the girls are all playing Twister with the high notes like Mariah Carey on a Red Bull bender. Even Paula couldn't help but take a few swipes. Looks like her copy of Insults for Pop Stars Who Shouldn't Sing Live arrived from Amazon. And don't even get me started on that Michael kid who kept reminding Simon that he complimented him during the first tryouts. Dude, you came, you saw, you sucked. Get off the stage. We've got a top 32 who are going to be needing it next week.

Cordy's back! Yipee! I don't care if she's only out of her coma for the show's 100th episode, how hot was it to see Charisma Carpenter sparking that chemistry thang she's got with David Boreanaz and his ever-lowering brow? Not to mention the barely concealed claws after hearing about Angel and Eve's Halloween hook-up. "You're groin buddies?" Best line of the night, hands down (no pun intended). Perhaps the Powers That Be at the WB will realize that our bloodsucker needs a little more Charisma around to keep things flowing. If not, just sign her breasts to a contract. They had more screen time tonight than most of the cast.

The Bachelorette
Ooohhh, a one-on-one with Lanny. Hello, tall, tan and handsome! I guess Meredith finally warmed up to the fellow my editor Tracy has been hubba-hubba over since the first Rose Ceremony. Now, if he would just ditch that damn ski cap. As for Ryan M., well, obviously visiting Bachelor escapee Kelly Jo had something to do with his getting cut. I mean, what girl wouldn't keep a bitter pretty boy who doesn't have enough sense to play nice with her friends?

Oliver Beene
Second-best line of the night: "Oh my god, is that a Lawrence?!" My roommate was almost as happy to see Joey's little brother Andy as I was that Fox finally pulled this gem off the shelf. It's like The Wonder Years for people with senses of humor and a fear of Daniel Stern. Granted, the boys' rivalry over the Swedish foreign-exchange student gave me flashes of Tina Yothers tramping herself up to steal Mallory's guy, but Grant Shaud's riotously clueless dad makes me so grateful for my old man.

Humanimals: Wild Makeovers
OK, I am all for body modification. Hell, I just got a new tattoo last week. Love it! But whisker implants? Forked tongues? Horns? No. Sorry, folks. I get that you don't want to look like everyone else, but looking like nothing else on Earth is a bit extreme. And painful. Next time, just try getting some low-lights. Or maybe a perm. They're weird, too, but at least they grow out.

Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica
Jessica Simpson has no idea what Scarface is and would rather watch Fried Green Tomatoes than Raiders. Nick, buddy, I'm hoping you tape your own show, because when it comes time to file those papers, you'll have proof of your irreconcilable differences.

Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave
Now, here's a pair I can get behind. Cool, relatively genuine and, for a couple who may be tied for eyeliner time in the bathroom, very well-mannered. Even Carmen's phone chat with Dave about the first time she saw his... um, you know, was sweet. Still, I wouldn't want their future children to see it. Unless MTV has plans for Our Time Is Up: Carmen and Dave's Kids' Therapy Sessions.

Celebrity Mole: Yucatan
Angie Everhart, Mark Curry and Dennis Rodman are left standing, blowing my theory that Tracey Gold was behind all the sabotage. Since we already had one model Mole with Frederique last season, that means it's got to be one of the guys. My money's on Curry. ABC probably owes him for canceling Hangin' with Mr. Cooper. God knows we all benefited from it.