Ophelia Learns to Swim

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Ophelia is a bimbo living with her father and brother in the L.A. Valley. Her Dad expects nothing from her, except to clean the house. Her boyfriend Hamilton seems supportive, but Ophelia experiences troubling nightmares. In them, she reenacts scenes from her favorite film, TITANIC...but Hamilton is encouraging her to jump off the railing ("Go ahead, the water's warm!") and pushing her off the driftwood. Ophelia, like her Shakespearean namesake, can't swim and has a pathological fear of water after her mother drowns . One day, Ophelia's brother Larry brings home a broomstick he stole from "some witch." The family is startled when a real witch shows up on their doorstep demanding the broom, which Ophelia has broken. A new magic broomstick from Denmark costs $7,500. The witch demands either Dad sell his beloved pickup truck, or hand over his daughter. For Dad, it's no contest, and the witch takes Ophelia away on an upright vacuum cleaner into the night. Ophelia becomes the witch's apprentice and undergoes a detox from years of booze, cigarettes and junk food. The Witch is an herbalist belonging to a Council of Superheroines comprising of the Chocolatier, who makes magic chocolates for pre-menstrual women; the Librarian, a fount of knowledge; and Mother Nature, 4.5 billion years old and sick from endless pollution. The Council has such huge financial problems in these post-feminist times, their chances of raising the money for a new broom seem slim. Having forsaken automobiles to help Mother Nature, the Council is dependent on the broom to navigate Los Angeles - public transportation is lousy and the vacuum cleaner just won't cut it. What will happen to all the women in L.A. who are being harassed, underpaid, and charged more for dry cleaning? To make matters worse, there's a villainous counterpart for each Superheroine; Cosmetic Chick; The Doucher, a marketer of "feminine protection" products; The Hag; Virginia Svelte, the cigarette-promoting leader of the pack; and Ophelia's best friend Tina, who is transformed into "Bitch on Wheels," graduating from Rollerblades to a Mercedes. The villains have corporate America on their side and are out to send the womens' movement packing. Ophelia is given an Instinct Doll by the Superheroines that talks and gives her good but tough advice. Ophelia is then kidnapped by Virginia Svelte and brought to the Babepad, where the villains enjoy a cushy existence. When Virginia Svelte drowns her Instinct Doll in the toilet, Ophelia loses touch with reality and runs home, only to have another dream in which her drowned mother tells her to wake up. Ophelia goes through a variation on all those terrible movie makeovers: she takes off her makeup, puts on her glasses and lo! She can finally see! Ophelia is rechristened "ESTROGEN WOMAN" by the Superheroines, and must somehow get them a new broom, prepare for the big showdown with Hamilton and the villains, and learn to swim.