Our top moments of the week:
11. Most Passive-Aggressive Duo: After completing the frog-in-a-mud-pit Detour on The Amazing Race in what can only be described as adult diapers, Kent marvels at how cold it was in the pit — not to mention, the fact that his goth makeup held up. "Were you cold?" he asks gal pal Vyxsin. She responds: "No, because I was working really hard." Oh, snap!
10. Most Outrageous Flirting: On Bethenny Ever After, the newlywed/new mom shamelessly flirts with Dan, a delish Rachael Ray Show producer — or as Bethenny calls him, "a tall, cute glass of alcohol." "Are you single? I am not," she asks the taken, not gay and visibly uncomfortable Dan. "Flirting was fun. And then I realized I'm married and I was like, 'Oh,'" she says. "And then I still flirted more. ... I totally disrespected my marriage." Which explains why there isn't a "happily" in the title of the show.
9. The Day the Music Died Award: Hard to believe, but recording Kim Kardashian's magnum opus "Jam (Turn It Up)" was a rather difficult process, as we learn on Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Showing the same lifelessness she displayed on Dancing with the Stars, the reality starlet barely croaks out a lyric before walking out of the studio. "What am I doing here?" she says. "I'm blanking out on my lines. I don't know if I sound right." (You don't.) But Kim returns following a pep talk from Kourt to lay down the synthesized and even-more-comatose vocals. Seriously, give us "Tardy for the Party" any time.
8. Best Weapon of Music Destruction: Conan O'Brien gives Kim Kardashian the bird — Angry Birds, that is. After unveiling a live-action version of the addictive game last week on his show, O'Brien revisits the gigantic set to use the birds for good: to stop Kardashian's single from playing. "The only way to make this horrible song stop is by using the Angry Birds to destroy it, and the sooner the better," he says. Thanks, Coco!
7. Best Use of a Prop: Some people use signs, other people use flyers, but when it comes to promoting his team's pizza parlor, all Gary Busey needs are some spare pieces of pepperoni on Celebrity Apprentice. Team leader Richard Hatch hands Busey the meat, but warns him not to throw it at the customers. So instead, of course, the self-proclaimed "pepperoni prophet" simply throws it at the sky. "Wherever it lands, that's where the miracle will happen," he says. How Method?
6. Worst Quickfire: The final five cheftestants' dishes go up in smoke on Top Chef: All-Stars when a fire breaks out in a malfunctioning fryer, forcing everyone to redo their dish from the beginning (or change it completely). Yeah, say all you want about "adapting to the situation," but coupled with the wonky induction burners in the Quickfire, it's really inexcusable to not provide the competitors with top-notch equipment in the finals. How can it be about the food at this stage when they can't even cook it properly?
5. Best Sex-Ed Lesson: Glee's virginal guidance counselor, Emma, gets a rude and crude awakening when she learns that an "afternoon delight" does not, in fact, refer to having dessert in the middle of the day — at least not literally. We soon learn she and hubby Carl have yet to consummate their marriage and it suddenly becomes very clear why Emma is so naïve, er, confused. Now who is going to break the news to Emma that a "quickie" does not refer to a microwavable dinner?
4. Cattiest Girlfight: The claws come out on The Bachelor: The Women Tell All as the ladies target the gal they love to hate, Michelle, for — among many things — her aggressiveness and manipulation of Brad, her malicious comments about her rivals ("You're like a spider. You're, like, creepy, and everybody's afraid of you," Jackie says) and allegedly being a bad mother. "Guys, really? Just relax for a second," Chris Harrison chastises Stacey, as Michelle sobs away into her Kleenex. Imagine how much more they'd hate Michelle if she were the new Bachelorette.
3. Best Booty: Hours after his girlfriend's killer, Vincent Adler, is murdered, Neal gets an even bigger surprise from an anonymous donor on White Collar. He discovers billions of dollars in stolen art and jewels have been hidden in a warehouse just for him, loot he thought was destroyed in an explosion. Whether he turns in the loot to the FBI or returns to a life of crime remains to be seen, but Neal's smile says we're going to have a lot of fun watching him figure it out.
2. Most Explosive Act of Kindness: With nowhere to live and no one to turn to, Desperate Housewives' Beth Young finds new purpose in her life when she discovers she's a match to donate a kidney to Susan. But instead of consulting a doctor or even telling Susan of her plan, Beth, donation paperwork in her hand, waltzes into the ER and blows her brains out — in a faint echo of how Mary Alice Young kicked off the series. That's one way to cut the line at the front desk.
1. There's No Crying in Survivor Award: Despite his intimidating track record and best efforts in the Redemption Island duel, Survivor vet Russell Hantz is unceremoniously booted from the game. It's only after the end of his run that Russell redeems himself, when he tears up in front of Jeff Probst and the other players over his respect for the game. It's nice to see some emotion from the show's reigning bad guy, but it might be two seasons and a pair of burned socks too late.
What were your top moments of the week?