Our top moments of the week:
12. Worst Kiss: Bachelor Pad wouldn't be complete (and by "complete" we mean "characteristically disgusting and bad for humanity") without a kissing contest. Holly and Blake release some sexual tension when they make out (for a while actually) during the blindfolded competition. But as if making out in front of your housemates isn't bad enough, Holly's ex-fiancé Michael has to watch the whole thing. Awk-ward!
11. Worst Scare: Talk about heated competition! Gymnastics troupe Gymkana ups the ante for its America's Got Talent performance by adding a ring of fire, through which members will jump. It's all going smoothly until a Gymkaneer hits the ring mid-flip and brings the whole flaming hoop crashing down with him. He's OK, but what's totally not OK is that no emergency personnel rushed to anyone's aid with so much as an extinguisher. Safety first, people!
10. Best/Worst Maternal Instinct: On Weeds, Nancy reminds us how she has remained a successful drug dealer for nearly a decade (give or take a, cough, three-year prison sentence). Shane's behind bars and Silas is losing customers to the merry pranksters at Pouncy House, so Nancy needs to kill two birds with one cop: Detective Mitch Ouellette (guest star Michael Harney). She practically audibly bats her eyelashes at him and unfurls a spectacularly inaccurate (but appropriately sad-sack) version of events that convinces Mitch to raid Pouncy House, for the sake of a lonely single mother. "I wouldn't want anyone to get arrested," Nancy says. "Not my kids." (Probably not a good time to mention that Silas just negotiated a merger with Pouncy House, huh?)
9. Best Baby News: Beyonce and Jay-Z are notoriously hush-hush about their relationship, so color us shocked when the singer decided to make one of the biggest announcements of her life (after a performance of "Love on Top" at the Video Music Awards) — without saying a word. Instead, she just opened her jacket, exposing a belly band, and rubbed it for the camera to get the point across. And if you still don't get it, well, there's always this.
8. Best Worst Revelation, Part I: After months of keeping still-blind Angie in the dark about the death of their baby on All My Children, Jesse owns up in a devastating confession that ends with a trip to the spot where Ellie was hastily buried in the park. There, Pine Valley's longest-running couple suffers a blow almost as big as Jesse's "death" 23 years ago when Angie is told that baby Lucy was not in fact hers. Will she be able to forgive Jesse before the series wraps this month? Either way, we smell Emmy for Darnell Williams and Debbi Morgan.
7. Best Fade to Black (Leather): Have no fear; sexy vampires are here! In the final scene of this week's True Blood, Pam, Bill, Eric and Jessica come bursting out of the back of a van, dripping in black leather and packing some serious ordnance, as if they're on their way to the monthly meeting of the Quentin Tarantino Appreciation Society. As the screen fades to black, The Used's excellent cover of the Talking Heads' "Burning Down the House" sets the scene for a witch-vampire showdown that will be more fun than one of MaryAnn's backyard smorgasbord/orgies.
6. Nude Awakening Award: While most people prepared for Hurricane Irene, others did the less sensible thing, like swarming the streets of Virginia Beach as the storm descended — much to Weather Channel's Eric Fisher's chagrin. "There's no shortage of — well, I'll bite my tongue — people who've been coming out," he says, just as a group of men in swim trunks run behind him — one of whom flashes the camera. Stupid? Definitely. But at least he wasn't afraid of shrinkage.
5. Best Worst Revelation, Part II: We already knew Kris Humphries — who, let's face it, doesn't seem like the sharpest crayon in the box — had no idea what he was getting into during last week's missing earring fiasco on Keeping Up with the Kardashians. (Breathe easy, people; her ginormous $75,000 earring was located. Please resume your normal activities.) But he has the Awkward Conversation to end all Awkward Conversations when a chat with his future in-laws about his biracial heritage ("Your dad's black and has green eyes?") culminates with Kim casually mentioning that she was previously married. "You were married?!" a stunned Kris says, turning to her family. "Was she married?" Kim's brother Rob asks what everyone's thinking. "Wait, is that a joke? How did he not know that?" We can't wait for next week's episode when he finds out she's not a virgin.
4. Dumbest Knockout: If there was ever a time to use the trite "situation" play-on-words, this week's Jersey Shore would be it. After a heated fight breaks out between Ronnie and The Situation about God-knows-what, The Sitch opts for an intimidation method used by idiots everywhere: He head-butts a concrete wall. In doing so, Mike confirms what we already know — not only is he a clinically insane juicehead, but he's also incredibly stupid. A self-inflicted concussion ensues, and he's rushed to the hospital on a stretcher. Just thank your lucky stars that his injuries didn't ruin that moneymaker of a face!
3. Biggest Eye-Opener: On the midseason finale of Pretty Little Liars, we finally see creep-tastic couple Jenna and Garrett admit their part in Alison's death. But are they also "A"? In the final scene, Dr. Sullivan leaves "A" alone at a diner booth before the waitress comes over and calls him/her "Pretty Eyes." It's either a direct reference to Jenna — who was blinded in an accident — or the show is throwing us for yet another loop. We'll have to wait until next season to figure it out.
2. Breast Friends: On The Big C, a conversation about bucket lists between terminal "cancer buddies" Cathy and Lee (guest star Hugh Dancy) reveals that Lee, who is gay, regrets never having been able to cop a feel on a lady. "If I came back in my next life as a straight guy, I think I could wrap my head around vagina," he says, after way too much wine. Cathy obliges his dying wish, removing her blouse, asking him to close his eyes and cupping his hands around her breasts. It's supposed to be touching; but mostly it's just touching.
1. This Just In Award: Walter Cronkite's heir apparent is obviously... Snooki — or so Anderson Cooper would have us believe. During his "RidicuList" segment — sans giggles this time — the CNN anchor lavishes praise upon the pint-sized, poofed-up "Renaissance woman" for hosting a show called The News According to Snooki for the AOL site Cambio, in which she eats pickles, confirms aliens exist, deduces the "sun's coming closer to Earth," and explains how hair care suffers when one loses power. "Oh, believe me, Snooki, I know what it's like to be powerless," Cooper says. "powerless against your charms." He is right about one thing: "Later, bitches" is a killer sign-off catchphrase.
What were your top moments?