Our top TV moments of the week:
12. Heaviest Joke: What is it about Levi Johnston that makes all the ladies crazy? Kathy Griffin, who famously had a faux relationship with the Thrilla from Wasilla, pokes fun at Bristol Palin, who had a child with Johnston, while hosting VH1 Divas Salute the Troops. The acerbic comic quips that Palin is the only person in the history of Dancing with the Stars to gain weight on the show. "She gained, like, 30 pounds a week. I swear to God; it was fantastic — she's like the white Precious," Griffin snarks, drawing boos from the crowd of soldiers. All appears to be forgiven, though, when the 50-year-old comedienne shows off her rock-hard bod in a camo-bikini later in the program.
11. Words to Live By Award: In a rare moment of earnestness, self-deprecator extraordinaire David Hasselhoff gets serious on The Hasselhoffs when a student at his daughter's school brings up the "hamburger incident." Rather than brush it off or crack a joke, the actor admits that it wasn't his best moment and shares these pearls of wisdom for tomorrow's youth: "Sometimes life gives you a wake-up call. It's how fast you get up, not how hard you fall."
10. Most Misplaced Aggression: This season of Gossip Girl has been a (sometimes misguided) cat-and-mouse game between Juliet and Serena. So it's a surprise to learn that Juliet's actual target is Lily, who won't be winning any Mom of the Year awards for putting an innocent man behind bars.
9. Best Holiday Miracle: When Glee's Brittany asks Santa to give her paraplegic boyfriend Artie the power to walk for Christmas, he goes to great lengths, with an assist from Coach Beiste as Kris Kringle, to dissuade her of that fantasy without ruining her childlike belief in Santa. Much to everyone's surprise, "Santa" brings Artie a set of super-high-tech leg braces that allow him to stand and walk for the first time on the series. Aw.
8. Best Cliff-hanger: Now that Jen's largesse has allowed Naomi to return to her superficial ways on 90210, she gets a rude awakening. Mr. Cannon is back! We're guessing he hasn't stopped by to sing carols.
7. Creepiest Carol: You know who loves Christmas? Serial killers! Appearing on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Dexter's Michael C. Hall surmises that his murderous alter ego's favorite Christmas carol would be "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." The Broadway vet then unspooled a haunting version of the song. "Santa Claus will kill you if you're bad," he croons. That'll teach kids not to be naughty.
6. Biggest Mouth: And here we thought Elia's thinly veiled threat last week was bad. Season 6 alum and Eric Ripert protégé Jennifer Carroll has returned to All-Stars with a major chip on her shoulder. After finding out she's on the losing team, Jen shows off a variety of rude facial expressions, dismisses everyone's critique of her dish, and insults the judges' intelligence. "You guys are smart enough, you're the judges, why don't you say, 'Hey, can I get a different plate for this?'" she sneers at Tom Colicchio when he questions Team T-Rex's presentation. "Welcome to 'Jen All-Stars,'" she later tells her shocked competitors. Have fun packing up your knives, Jen All-Stars.
5. Best Revenge: Any Real Housewives of Atlanta fan will tell you that Phaedra Parks loves photo shoots (insert pickle joke here). It's also pretty clear that Phaedra is still learning how to be a good mom (insert "ew, gross" joke here). So there's a certain poetic justice to the moment when Phaedra's son poops right on his mother's hand during a photo shoot. Apparently Phaedra has yet to learn about diapers?
4. Dirtiest Dealmakers: On Boardwalk Empire's neat Season 1 coda, antihero Nucky Thompson finally forges a truce with Arnold Rothstein, who's sweating an indictment for the Black Sox scandal. But Nucky has a price, which a man like Rothstein understands: $1 million in cash and information about the remaining D'Alessio brothers, so he can wear their pelts on his belt. Done. And done. (If only his dealings with the Commodore were as simple.)
3. Best Diss: Still bitter about the Lost finale? You're not the only one. On Community's stop-motion Christmas episode, Abed finds the "meaning of Christmas," which is wrapped up neatly as a present. After unwrapping box after box, Russian nesting doll-style, he finds the Season 1 DVD of Lost. "It's a metaphor," he says. "It represents lack of payoff."
2. Raunchiest Puppets: Exiled from Sesame Street, Katy Perry brings her cleavage and skintight jeans dress to The Simpsons for a live-action Christmas episode as Moe's girlfriend. Wanting to kiss his girl, Moe reaches for Perry's belly when her lips prove to be too far. But apparently her belly is too far as well. "That's not my belly button," Perry says with feigned shock. "But I didn't say stop!" Let's hope Elmo was already in bed.
1. Worst Safe Haven: Although the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention offers The Walking Dead's survivors an opportunity to take a hot shower and get hammered, it proves to be even more deadly than the flesh-eating monsters roaming the streets. After creepy Dr. Jenner gives the group some clues about how the zombies come back to life, he informs them that the building is about to lose power, which will trigger its self-incineration. Most of the camp (RIP, Jacqui) makes it out alive thanks to Rick's trusty grenade, but where do they go now?
What were your top moments of the week?