We're finally here, folks: the end of our time on Desperate Housewives' Wisteria Lane. It has been eight long seasons of tragedy, tawdriness and tomfoolery, and it all comes down to this. But before we can kiss the ladies goodbye, there is still much left to resolve: Bree's on trial for the murder of Alejandro; Lynette and Tom Scavo are still separated; Julie Mayer is about to give birth; Renee and Ben's wedding is imminent; and Mrs. McCluskey's health has taken a turn for the worst. (Not Mrs. Landingham!) So rather than belabor every detail of the bloated two-hour finale, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to skip to the end and tell you where everyone ends up.
Karen McCluskey (Kathryn Joosten)
In the end, Mrs. McCluskey was an honorary Housewife after all. Instead of shipping her off to hospice, the ladies of the Lane decide to take care of her at home. And it's a good thing too. After she overhears Gaby and Carlos talking about their dueling desires to take responsibility for the murder, Mrs. McCluskey concocts a ruse to get herself put on the stand, where she confesses to the crime herself, acquitting Bree — and everyone else — in the process! Later, while the ladies are variously birthing grandchildren and partying at Renee's wedding, Karen listens to her beloved Johnny Mathis 45 and slips quietly into the eternal slumber. RIP, Mrs. Landingham McCluskey.
Katherine Mayfair (Dana Delany)
Katherine is back from Paris and is no longer into ladies, she reports. Instead, she's a frozen-French-pastry magnate who has a business proposition for... Lynette! She wants her to head up her U.S. operations in New York.
Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman)
Roy, of all people, convinces Tom that he needs to say everything he needs to before it's too late, so he does. And once they get that misunderstanding about the gay friend and the bridesmaid-dress fitting out of the way, they reconcile and seal it with a kiss for the ages. Thank God! But then Katherine's job offer creates a particularly sexist rift, in which Tom claims that just when things are going well, Lynette needs to find something else to complete her. Can't it just be a great professional opportunity, Tom? Anyhow, no matter, because Lynette — via an eloquent wedding toast for Renee and Ben — turns it down for Tom, and Tom in turn tells her she should take it. What will she decide?
Epilogue: She takes the job. Tom and Lynette leave for New York four weeks later and buy a penthouse that overlooks Central Park, where we see them playing with their grandchildren.
Renee Perry (Vanessa Williams)
Is it really any surprise that Renee would be a Bridezilla — even before Julie's water broke all over her dress? Nevertheless, it's all about bygones for Renee this week. Her efforts to derail Bree's trial, the birth of Susan's grandchild and indeed her own marriage are all swiftly forgiven, lest we not have the glamorous wedding reception at which to stage 20 minutes of the episode's action.
Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria)
After Carlos is de facto enoxerated, the good news keeps coming. Gaby gets a big promotion at work. This development creates a hilarious role reversal in which Gaby buys Carlos jewelry when she works late and Carlos hires a hot, young female gardener. Their bickering is as charming as ever, mostly because we know how much they truly love each other.
Epilogue: Gaby's success continues, as Carlos helps her develop her own fashion website, Gabrielle's Closet, which lands her her own show on the home-shopping network. Soon after, the Solises move to California, where we see them lovingly bicker in their brand-new hot tub.
Bree Van de Kamp (Marcia Cross)
Lawyer Trip disobeys Bree's wishes and puts Gaby on the stand, obliterating all those Quantum Leap fan-fic fantasies you had of Bree marrying Scott Bakula. But then Mrs. McCluskey decides that before we hear that Johnny Mathis 45, she wants to "mess with people's lives" just one more time. So it's really no surprise when he shows up at Renee's wedding and sweeps Bree off her feet. Star Trek: Enterprise wedding plans back on!
Epilogue: Two years later, Bree and her husband Trip move to Louisville, where Bree joins a conservative ladies' group and becomes involved in local politics. This leads to her eventual election to the Kentucky state legislature, where surely there are the most delightful muffin baskets all over the house floor.
Susan Delfino (Teri Hatcher)
Susan finally tells her friends that she's decided to leave the Lane to help Julie raise the baby. But will she ever remarry? Who knows? But even if she doesn't, she will wrap herself in a blanket of memories or whatever that lame-o speech was meant to convey. But then she has a granddaughter! I didn't catch the baby's name, but since this is TV, it should definitely be Karen, right?
Epilogue: We don't get a glimpse of Susan's future, but rather accompany her as she takes a last lap around her past. As she, Julie, M.J. and the new baby leave Fairview, they drive by the ghosts of Wisteria Lane, an amazing cavalcade of the show's dearly departed, including Mike, McCluskey, Mama Solis, Kayla, Orson's ex-wife, Mrs. Huber, Karl, Justine Bateman (remember that?!), and of course Mary Alice, who then has the final word. In her final ghostly voiceover, she indicates that the new owner of Susan's house, who we see unpacking an ominous-looking lacquered box, will try in vain to keep secrets that will never stay hidden. Perfect.
So what did you all think? Pay your last respects to the Fairview Four in the comments section below.