Our top moments of the week:
12. Best Shotgun Wedding: Kaley Cuoco stops by Ellen bursting with happiness about her engagement to tennis player Ryan Sweeting. In response, DeGeneres reports that her head writer, Kevin, has been ordained online as a minister and can marry Cuoco and her love, who happens to be backstage, on the spot. Before Cuoco can say no, DeGeneres whips out a tennis racket bag inscribed with the word "bride" that holds a veil and a necklace adorned with tennis balls. The two end up saying quick "I do's" and kissing on stage in front of a fake altar. Game, set and marriage!
11. Best Late-Night Treat: When Nick goes out to the strip club with his buddies and refuses to call Jess his "girlfriend" on New Girl, she gets her revenge by succumbing to the advances of Artie (guest star Taye Diggs), an extremely attractive coffee shop owner. But when she sees him naked under her sheets, all she can think of is how much she misses Nick. Any chance we can keep Diggs around as a love interest for CeCe?
10. Best Pseudo-Feud: Music feuds aren't just confined to rap. On the Country Music Awards, hosts Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood try to instigate beefs within their genre with some "feud assignments" in the audience, like, say, Luke Bryan vs. Zac Brown, or Tom Petty vs. all of them. (Petty dissed country as "bad rock with a fiddle"). But the best assignment? Darius Rucker vs.... Julianne Hough!
9. Dog Day Afternoon Award: Supernatural goes to the dogs this week. In order to talk to the only witness of two crimes, an adorable German shepherd named The Colonel, Dean drinks a hairy potion to communicate with animals — and the side effects are quite fetching! Dean scratches behind his ear, barks at the mailman, and a poodle sends his tail wagging. But comedic capers aside, the Shaman Chef Killer Cowboy's reference to Sam's magically healed neck gives the brother due paws. Dean's going to have to keep Sam on a short leash or else things will get ruff in the Winchester household.
8. The Truth Hurts Award: Neal is finally saved from Pan's wrath on Once Upon a Time, but it probably isn't the happy reunion people were expecting. In order to save Neal from the Echo Caves, each of the heroes has to reveal a deep dark secret. Snow wants a second shot at being a parent by having another child, Charming reveals he can't leave Neverland and Hook tells Emma about his feelings for her. But Emma's secret — that she actually wishes Neal was dead so she wouldn't have to deal with all the pain he caused her — is the most heartbreaking. Maybe saving Neal wasn't such a great idea?
7. Biggest Backfire: There's a reason this week's revelation-filled Sons of Anarchy is titled "John 8:32." After Gemma does some digging and convinces Jax that Tara could be lying about her miscarriage, Jax questions Tara's lawyer. When she comes clean about Tara's plans to divorce Jax and take her boys out of Charming, Jax can hardly contain his rage. (Surprisingly, he lets the lawyer go.) But Jax wouldn't hurt Tara, would he? Tara certainly thinks so: She ends the episode singing a lullaby to her baby boy... with a pistol on her leg. The truth may be out, but it doesn't seem to be setting anybody free just yet.
6. Worst Defeat: Despite their outward strength, The Good Wife viewers have seen Alicia and Kalinda cry on occasion. But we never thought we'd see ball-buster Diane Lockhart shed a tear. But she does, when Kalinda informs her that Peter is vetting other names for the Illinois Supreme Court seat for which she was to be nominated. Eh, those robes are hideous anyway, right?
5. Best Drinking Game: When the ladies of The Talk visit The Arsenio Hall Show, Arsenio Hall gives them alcohol to help loosen them up and Sharon Osbourne is happy to take the bait (and seconds, and thirds and fourths of the bait, apparently). So when Hall asks about The Talk's main competition, The View, Osbourne is more than happy to interrupt Julie Chen's diplomatic answer and say what she really thinks: that Barbara Walters is "divine. She is superhuman. The rest can f--- themselves." Sounds like someone had a couple too many sips of the corporate Kool-Aid... or some kind of Kool-Aid.
4. Best Tribute: The Simpsons bookends its episode with poignant, short-but-sweet tributes to Marcia Wallace, aka Mrs. Krabappel, who died on Oct. 25. Instead of Bart's usual scribbles on the opening credits chalkboard, he writes just one sentence: "We'll really miss you Mrs. K." The show later closes the episode with a shot of Mrs. K and a new message on the chalkboard: "In loving memory of Marcia Wallace."
3. Most Probing Segment: As part of Today's month-long initiative to promote men's health, Matt Lauer and Al Roker both get prostate exams live on the air (but fortunately not onscreen), demonstrating how little time the procedure takes (Lauer's clocked in at 34 seconds). The whole segment is all business, save for one off-color quip by Lauer's regular urologist Dr. David Samadi: "I had to lose 5 pounds in order to make my finger a little smaller." Our reaction? Same as Savannah Guthrie & Co.'s
2. Sweetest Proposal: Nearly two years after his vomit-inducing lighthouse date with Cassie on How I Met Your Mother, Ted brings The Mother to the romantic (and poorly green-screened) destination, where she marvels at the view. "I don't know how you can improve on a day like this," she says, as Ted drops down to one knee and pulls out a ring box. He can't get out more than "Will you..." before The Mother cuts him off. "Yes! Yes! Yes!" she squeals. Does the cute but brief proposal not feel completely "earned" since we've seen so little of The Mother? Perhaps, but The Mother's series of "yes's" is a nice callback to Robin's "no's" when she thought Ted was proposing. Now can they meet already?!
1. Grossest Twist: Homeland's recent plot twists have made our brains hurt, but this week's left turn made us cringe. After returning home from her meeting with Javadi, Carrie walks into the bathroom, sits on the toilet, and takes a home pregnancy test. Not only is the test positive (OMG! Is it Brody's? Tequila Guy's? Wait, why has she been drinking so much tequila!?), but Carrie also places the used pee stick into a drawer filled with other positive tests. Though it makes the episode's title ("Still Positive") chuckle-worthy, this is one ridiculous hoarding habit we wish we could erase from our minds.
What were your top moments?