Things are about to get uggglllyyy! Pretty soon five good shows will all air at 9 pm on Mondays: Fox's Skin; NBC's Las Vegas; WB's Everwood; CBS's Everybody Loves Raymond; and UPN's Girlfriends. What are network execs trying to do, kill me? Let the tape-one-show-watch-another-and-channel-surf experiment begin. Wish me luck. (Or pray that I get a life, whichever you prefer.)

Fear Factor
People always ask why I like this stupid show. And I'm just going to put it out there: It's a free reality check. Every week I learn one more thing that I would or would not do for money. Plain and simple. This week's two-hour, play-for-a-$1 million episode raised the stakes. Would I lie in a glass casket as it filled with water teeming with live leeches? For a million bucks? Hell, yeah! Now, could I bob in raw ostrich eggs, grab five pig tongues with my teeth, then eat one chased by five live leeches? Um... no. I couldn't even finish the yogurt I was eating while watching buff bro'man Durant Fowler do it.

Bally Total Fitness
Right. Like a whip-snappin', leather-clad dominatrix is going to make me want to go to the gym. But wait. It does make me watch... Oh snap, this spot's actually kind of brilliant. For the boys, you've got a sexy Drill Sergeant in the thigh-high hooker boots and enough squatting/pelvis thrusting booty shots to make Sir Mix-a-Lot jealous. For the girls, you've got a self-deprecating message. "This is a pain in the butt work out," Miss Drill Sergeant growls. "Tough love for your better half!" What?! They are wrong for that.

And now the 9 o'clock torture begins...

Girlfriends (Watched It)
OK. Y'all know this is my show. Right? But they are seriously trippin' with the Toni story line. Toni's gold-digging ways have always been over the top. But to have her move out after discovering her new husband is way broke? Come on. The pocket doc went $750,000 in the hole just to get that girl. He spent $50,000 on her wedding ring alone. Hello! Now, I'll admit, I felt it when he told Toni, "Your greatest fear is being poor, mine is losing you." (A girl lives to hear a line like that.) But still they don't have to make Toni that shallow. Ditto for Joan's gossipin' gay-as-the-day-is-long, flame-on-high new assistant. Aren't the Queer Eye guys — especially Carson — enough?

Everybody Loves Raymond (Taped It)
Oh, no. Couples golfing. Didn't they see last week's episode of Newlyweds?

Everwood (Taped the last 30 minutes)
Ephram decides to stick to his piano-playing dream. And, finally Dr. Brown gets his groove back. Whoopee! Too bad this was really Dr. Abbott's episode.
Dr. Abbott: They won't accept you without football.
His son: Why?
Dr. Abbott: Because you're not smart enough.
Ouch! There are some things your never want to hear your dad say. That you're mediocre or dumb is one of them.

Two and a Half Men (Watched It)
Duckie!!!! The only reason I tune in is because of my broken-hearted Pretty In Pink man. And, yes, I know that actor Jon Cryer is not, in real life, Duckie. Or at least sometimes I do. OK. Not really. I think he is Duckie. All the time. And I love him. I'm sorry he didn't get Andy in Pretty in Pink, and it infuriates me that on this show his wife divorced him and forced him to go live with Charlie Sheen. Women like that complain that there are no good men out there, and then they chase away the good man they have. Beyaatches. You don't want Duckie? I'll take him. Click.

And back to... Fear Factor
Bro'Man literally spoke in tongues before he drove his ATV off a 200-foot cliff. That's all I'm sayin'.

Las Vegas
You've got sexy Josh Duhamel having sex with the boss's daughter and getting caught in the first minute. Vegas? Yeah, baby! Sorry. I just got back from Sin City. OK. For real. It's too soon for me to talk about this show.

The Wade Robson Project
Ah, yeah! Tonight I was down with the boom-boom pop! I had to tape the last segment and rewind it three times to get it. But I did. Except for that last step, slide, turn thing. But I'm playing my arthritis card on that one.