Survivor
What the heck?!? Janu just quit in the most bizarre and lackluster way, like, "I guess I'll give up, I don't really like any of you people, and you don't like me because of my annoying eating habits and bug-eyed looks. And I know I just came back from a rejuvenating night in isolation, but maybe you should just keep Steph around for a few more days...." Did she not want to win a million dollars? Does dancing in Sin City pay that well? Couldn't beat watching an adorably cleaned-up Coby just shaking his head in disbelief that his former alliance mate threw in the towel. If only he had thought of using She-ra's crocodile-tears strategy last week, maybe he'd still be in the game. And Jeff, dressed like your friendly neighborhood UPS man, is way more chatty and probing here in Palau. He broke Janu's spirit during the underwater challenge, not that it was too difficult to push her over the edge, and then basically encouraged Steph's teary-eyed speech. Break alliances and encourage people to lay down their torches? I guess that's what brown can do for you. — Angel Cohn

The O.C.
Things I Loved About Tonight's Episode
1) Julie crying over Caleb's divorce threat. For a money-grubbing, social-climbing ex-porn star, she sure gives good boohoo face.
2) Caleb backing out of item No. 1. Old softy. However, if the photographer who snapped that damning pic of Julie with scuzzy Lance is on his payroll, he immediately goes back to being the Devil.
3) Marissa and Ryan playing Nancy Drew and the Hottie Boy to nail the Harbor School drug dealer. So Jump Street, you could almost smell Johnny Depp. Which could actually be the case since he's so dirty, anyway.
4) Kirsten coming to her senses about spending the night at that winery with Carter and his button nose. Extra points for shooting him down looking all out-of-the-shower fresh.
5) Deathcab!

Things I Hated About Tonight's Episode
1) "Honey, this place is gorgeous. You should go with Carter." Check your meds, Sandy. You just gave wifey carte blanche to booze it up at some remote vineyard with the cutest editor outside of the TV Guide offices. And this dude's a lawyer?
2) Seth's escalating addiction to himself. Hello! Summer wants to leave your damn comic book-geek party. Go, you freak, or Zach the Vanilla Wonder will be giving her more than just a ride home, OK?
3) Jess Sathers, coke whore of Orange County. Obviously, Trey isn't the sharpest tool in the Atwood garage or else he'd be able to see the red flags on this one. Hey, wait. Those aren't signs!
4) Reed's Mary Kay Letourneau vibe. Creepy and illegal. That's not hot.

Things That Confused Me About Tonight's Episode
1) Seth missing Deathcab. Have the writers even met Cohen? Would NEVER happen.
2) Is Ryan really a bitch? Because he seems to be called one a lot. Especially during beach brawls.
3) Marissa cuts off Ryan because she doesn't wanna mack in Sandy's car? She did Luke in like, a blackout or something! Plus, the season finale is a month away, so there's still time for that middle-aged teenager Theresa to pop up. And you know she totally gives it up, right? — Damian J. Holbrook

The Apprentice
I've given up trying to get into the head of the Big D. I so thought that Bren and Tana would be final two and then Bren got the boot tonight because of his failure on the Staples task, and didn't even make it to the final four. The D will probably hire Alex — he's a former book-smarter who is a little cookie-cutter image of the last two guys he's dubbed Apprenti.

So instead I'm waiting for the Bren-and-Alex buddy comedy; they could totally use the theme song from The Courtship of Eddie's Father, and they could share one of those little desks that they built. Hey, if Seinfeld can have a coffee-table book about a coffee table, anything goes. And they wouldn't even need a script writer; they'd be fine on their own. Tonight alone the best friends forever had some memorable quotes:

1) Bren's quip about trying to remain silent in the boardroom: "I've bitten my tongue on numerous occasions throughout this process. Quite frankly I'm tired of the blood in my mouth. Then again, maybe the blood is just making me thirsty for more." 2) Bren's thoughts on his status after Chris' ouster: "I'm lower than whale crap at the bottom of the sea in Mr. Trump's eyes." 3) Alex sighed when sizing up the competition: "Bren is my oasis in this vast imbecilic land. I'm surrounded by morons and their mascots." 4) Bren's take on the first 13 weeks of the challenge: "No breaks, no lovin', no sleep."

I hope that after his taxicab confession he at least got to go home and take a nap. I know that I almost did while watching the mind-numbing pretend fighting between the two pals in the boardroom. — AC

CSI
A frantic call from his daughter Ellie in L.A. impels Brass to ask for emergency leave in this rewarding solo exhibition of Paul Guilfoyle's low-key intensity. Once in the City of Angels, Brass reunites with an old friend from the New Jersey police force, Annie (Donna Murphy), who helps him search for Ellie's missing roommate Dakota. As soon as I noticed Brass scrutinizing the name tag of TV-has-been-turned-mayoral candidate Vic Patterson, I knew Dakota was a goner... CSI would be dead without its corpses. But this tale wasn't so much a mystery as it was an acting showcase for Guilfoyle and Murphy. I've been a fan of Murphy's since the two-time Tony Award winner's captivating turn as Abigail Adams in the 1997 PBS documentary Liberty: The American Revolution. I'm simply enchanted by her lips. Mind you, the only exercise they got last night was when she spoke. I didn't mind, because it seemed as if Annie's friendship was the only thing keeping Brass from dissolving inside. Why? Because drug-addled Ellie is a streetwalking train wreck. Our introduction to her is through the window of her fleabag apartment, where Brass spies her toking it up with a thug who painstakingly brews crystal meth the way Emeril slaves over his BBQ sauce, except that meth places even greater emphasis on the BAM! There were too many revelations at the end — that Annie and Brass had a fling was no big surprise — but the one involving Ellie was a corker. Her real dad is a corrupt cop from Brass' Jersey days who had a fling with his ex. Still, Brass leaves a gift outside Ellie's door along with the number of a rehab clinic. On the back is a simple note: "When you're ready, I'll make it happen. Love, Dad." — G. J. Donnelly

ER
Can we first talk about how gross it was when that guy's eye popped out? Pretty! Luckily, Abby and her new beau, Jake (Eion Bailey), were able to pop it back in with Luka's paper clip. Speaking of Eion, am I the only one who remembers him from the short-lived Fox series Significant Others? That show also starred a certain gal who was a complete unknown at the time — a certain Ms. Jennifer Garner. But back to ER: Abby's face when she noticed Jake's pants were to the floor was priceless. Even better? Chuny snapping a photo of it. A couple that isn't faring as well is Carter and Wendall, aka Bitter, Party of One.

"I'll take Obscure TV Guest Stars for $500, Alex."
First we had former child star Fred Koehler from Kate & Allie, who still has that baby face (at least he wasn't as disturbing here as he was on Oz). Then there was Judyann Elder, who was the second Harriet Winslow on Family Matters, as the woman with breast cancer who didn't want surgery. Saving the best for last, how cool was it to see two veteran actresses, both known for playing classic movie villainesses, playing homeless sisters? I'm referring to Oscar winner Louise Fletcher (Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) and the fabulous Pat Carroll (Ursula from The Little Mermaid). I was waiting for Louise to get on a mic to say "Medication" and to have Pat start singing "Poor Unfortunate Souls." Maybe next week when they'll be back. Can't wait. — Dave Anderson

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