SUNDAY

The American Music Awards
All right, who had Justin Timberlake and Fleetwood Mac in your annual American Music Awards office pool? Huh? Yeah, you're gloating proudly today, aren't ya? But whoever bet that Macy Gray would ramble on about how "p----d off" she was that she didn't get nominated is surely cleaning up right now. Anyway, here are some other noteworthy moments:

  • Host Jimmy Kimmel's ban on thanking God in acceptance speeches. "God does not watch television," Kimmel pronounced, "and if he did he certainly wouldn't be watching this show." (I may be alone in this, but I found Kimmel's biting introductions refreshing. Like this one for Monica and Heather Headley: "Our next two presenters have been performing since they were young enough to date Rod Stewart.")
  • Clay Aiken on winning the Fans' Choice award: "I'm kinda used to second place."
  • Luther Vandross' mother accepting honors on her son's behalf.
  • When's the next time you'll hear this combination? "Here's Michael Chiklis and Uncle Kracker!"
  • Missy Elliott explaining why she showed up late: "Someone stole my limo."
  • The "Jennifer Lopez Award For the Lowest-Cut Dress" is a tie: Roselyn Sanchez (L.A. Dragnet) and a fake-rain-soaked Ashanti.
  • Kid Rock saluting a fan up in the cheap seats: "I want to thank the fat girl sitting right there! What's up, baby!"

    The Simpsons
    Lisa's brief stint as class president brings out the worst in the administration as well as a cameo from documentary dude, Michael Moore, who seems slimmer as an animated character. Principal Skinner was as surprised as anyone when Lisa's heart-tugging song helped her win the election, "Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate 'Skinner sucks!' " And did you see the subtly subversive picket sign in the background as the students protested outside their school? "Flunk Me? Flunk You!"

    Arrested Development
    Thanks to the searing heat of "The Cornballer," a Bluth family invention, we saw how sometimes it's funnier to see a stream of rage-filled obscenities bleeped out, because you're probably imagining something far worse than what was actually said. You sickos.

    SATURDAY

    Saturday Night Live
    Alec Baldwin commemorated his 11th SNL hosting gig by squeezing Amy Poehler's breasts during the skit in which he played a perverted plastic surgeon. (After an unexpectedly flattering photo of Baldwin was shown right before a commercial break, my friend Delaina commented, "When was that picture taken, 20 years ago?") Also, despite the clearly visible wires, I had to laugh as the Falconer's pet bird squawked happily while playing the slot machine, doing cocaine and having a threesome with Baldwin and a sweet old lady.

    FRIDAY

    Joan of Arcadia
    When Joan screwed up God's initial assignment to get Adam out of the art show, he offered some thought-provoking perspective: "What are you going to do now? That's what I'm all about, your next chance to do the right thing." It's hard to be discouraged after hearing advice like that.

    Dateline
    From Katie Couric's in-depth interview with Tom Cruise, it seems clear that the braces he had to wear recently did indeed help straighten out his big, white choppers. Hopefully, he's wearing his retainer, because if not, there goes all that progress. Trust me.

    Miss Match
    Only on TV would such a disparate group of Thanksgiving orphans spend turkey day together, including, as Kate (Alicia Silverstone) so efficiently described her client, "multi-platinum selling, hip-hop recording artist — and accused kidnapper — Master Z." See, even rappers who abduct their own kids in the middle of a custody battle like pie.

    Late Night With Conan O'Brien
    Andrew W.K. energetically sang (and sweated) a song from his new CD, The Wolf. You know, I'm still getting used to actually recognizing the musical guests on Conan. Years ago, he hosted ridiculously obscure bands like The Pretty Pretty Peacocks. (Okay, that's a fictional band name made up by me and a friend a couple of years ago, because there's no way in hell I'm gonna remember any of the real bands. Not surprisingly, that purposely lame moniker is still up for grabs if anyone wants it.)

    Late Show With David Letterman
    Dave showed that he's still wearing the hospital bracelet from when his son was born two weeks ago. He jokingly remarked, "Nobody called to tell me I can take it off." There was no follow-up bit with it, so I'm inclined to believe that this was his real wristband. It's nice to see a cranky guy like Letterman acting so sincerely sentimental. Oh, and then he read off the "Top Ten Good Things About Finding a Condom In Your Clam Chowder."