Quote of The Weekend: "DirecTV has filed suit against O.J. Simpson, accusing him of pirating its satellite-television signal. In an unrelated story, DirecTV has been stabbed to death." —

Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update."

SUNDAY

High School Reunion
From what I've seen so far, there are two main activities for Texas' Round Rock High School class of 1993 — for the girls, it's giggling incessantly and for the guys it's holding beer bottles while pretending to be cool and occupied. I have only three questions for the gang:
To Laura "The Drama Queen": Did you really put mustard-covered marshmallows in Jeralyn "the Wallflower"'s underwear back in the day? (If so, you should still apologize.)
To T.J. "The Redneck": You said that you want to appear not as close-minded as you used to be. So do you think that instantly moving out on your gay roommate helped that cause? (And to the producers, you guys like to mix it up, dontcha?)
Finally, to Lenny "The Geek": Why do this to yourself again, buddy?

The Sopranos
I thought that Adriana was gonna lose it and spill her guts — and not just her lunch this time — about snitching for the FBI. That certainly would have been something for the girls to talk about at their next-film club meeting. And Steve Buscemi as cousin Tony B. seems like a human eel (in Miami Vice duds). Anyone who'd call Tony "fat" and Paulie "Grandpa Munster" has to have something up those white linen sleeves.

Alias
Sydney's red wig is back! And if the plane lands, the bomb on board will go off! Wait, that sounds familiar. Yeah, that reeks of Speed, but who cares because Ricky Gervais (The Office) is much better than crazy ol' Dennis Hopper. The mental stability of Sloane's wannabe psychiatrist is certainly in question as well, considering she just slept with the object of her professional obsession.

Curb Your Enthusiasm
In Larry David's world, even success is failure. Mirroring the plot of The Producers, Mel Brooks had actually cast David in his musical to make it fail so he could get away from its constant pressures. And for a little texture this season finale featured a multilayered story with a lost watch, an angry flight attendant, an off-putting photo of George W. Bush, a purse snatcher, a sex expert, extra spicy food, the vagaries of hotel tipping, OCD and appearances from Jerry Seinfeld and Anne Bancroft. Larry's head must hurt, because mine sure does.

SATURDAY

Saturday Night Live
Ben Affleck's giddy hosting turn is a perfect example of the difference between a good show and a painful one. If that week's star isn't having fun, it seems contagious either way. Some highlights:

  • Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attending Affleck's gay wedding in Boston with spot-on references to candlepin bowling and Larry Bird, and proper usage of "wicked." And I'm sure if Boston Rob from Survivor saw this he was like, "What's so funny?... Ambah, get me a beer!" (As I've mentioned before, I'm from Mass., so leave me alone on this one. Thanks.)
  • The George W. Bush parody ad that said "The last few years have tested America in many ways" and then we see images that included Michael Jackson and Omarosa from The Apprentice.
  • "Appalachian Emergency Room": Affleck, with a mullet and mustache, comes in with a ferret hanging from his crotch. He starts to explain, "I was feeding my ferret in the nude, like I do..." And then later, he adds, "I will say one thing about this ferret, he sure can hold his liquor."
  • Kelly Ripa's good-sport cameo for the "What Happens in Thailand, Stays in Thailand" gag.
  • My friend Delaina, TV Guide Online's soap editor, was also thrilled out of her mind that during "Weekend Update," Finesse Mitchell mentioned the serial killer story line on Days of Our Lives. I, on the other hand, couldn't have cared less, but I was very happy for her anyway.

    Average Joe commercials
    How much exactly is Seal getting every time NBC uses "Love's Divine" from his new CD for an Average Joe spot? If it's a nickel, he'll still get about a million bucks.

    FRIDAY

    Wonderfalls
    In this new series a young, quippy girl named Jaye (Caroline Dhavernas) is given cryptic instructions from inanimate objects that eventually lead to good results. Yes, it sounds like Joan of Arcadia, but it's on Fox so that means in the premiere episode Jaye's sister is inadvertently outed and the phrase "take a dump" is used. You won't hear that on CBS; well, unless maybe Dan Rather is caught off guard.

    Joan of Arcadia
    I seriously doubt that I was the only who was waiting for the elevator to break down when Will (Joe Mantegna), his partner and a suspect entered it with a majorly pregnant woman. And, of course, it did. And, of course, she went into labor. And, of course, she gave birth in a speedy fashion. Also, Joan is getting considerably snippier with the Supreme Being, as in this takeoff on an old Judy Blume book. "Are you there, God?" she said with great frustration "It's me, Joan...and you suck!" N-i-i-ce.

    Countdown with Keith Olbermann
    Ya just gotta feel for William Hung. Our ultimate American Idol reject — the "She Bangs" guy — appeared at the end of the program to "sing" three snippets from his forthcoming CD, which will be out April 6. Wow, that's fast. I can only imagine those recording sessions:
    Hung: "Should we do more than one take on those first five songs? I think I may have been off-key once or twice."
    Record producer: "Really? Didn't notice. Don't worry it. C'mon, we can finish this puppy before lunch."