Paradise Hotel
OK, I still have no idea what "the game" was, but now that the whole thing is over, I must say that this two-hour nightmare was more addictive than a crack-filled Krispy Kreme. Codependent Dave got nada, Keith and Tara got a quarter mil each and hopefully, everyone else got a prescription to cure whatever they caught from one another. Oh, and I have seen the face of Satan: Man-woman Toni talking Charla out of sharing her winnings with anyone. The power of Christ compels you!!

It's All Relative
Wow, ABC has a sitcom I might actually watch again. Lenny Clarke yells too much and needs to watch his salt intake, but we love Maggie Lawson ever since she did that Nancy Drew TV-movie. And who can't appreciate Frasier's Bebe, Harriet Sansom Harris as a dowdy housewife you just know is bound for a makeover from her future Queer Eye in-laws? Looked like a stinker from the ads, but as we all learned tonight, don't judge a musical by its road company.

Smallville
Missed this one, but a friend called to pant about "evil Clark Kent" being hot. Hmm, Tom Welling may want to keep his inner bad boy on speed-dial once Fox brings back American Idol, or Supe's going to be singing the low-ratings blues.

Angel
Oh, the alt. groups are gonna crucify me for this, but what is up with David Boreanaz's mop? He may be the only man in Hollywood whose hairline is actually moving forward. The set of Wolfram & Hart looks like Oz without the man-on-man showers, and Mercedes McNab is no Charisma Carpenter. But hey, Joss Whedon is freed up from Buffy now, so there's hope for a return to the fun, tortured vampire we knew and loved.

The Bachelor
Can someone tell me why Antoinette was already at the hospital? Dag, girl, you made the first cut. Save the drama for yo mama. Or at least until you make the top 10. Kudos to the producers for the mid-date Rose Ceremony, but try to remember, making someone cry only counts if everyone else is around to treat them like the chubby girl at cheerleading tryouts later on. Didn't these people watch Paradise Hotel?

AOL Instant Messenger
It's good to see that Sting will do anything for money. Maybe I'll book him for my Halloween party.

Karen Sisco
Loving Carla Gugino as a better Jennifer Lopez than Jennifer Lopez was in this Out of Sight spin-off based on the booty-tacular federal marshal. And Robert Forster may be the coolest old guy since Walt Disney went cryogenic. Now if only they could keep Patrick Dempsey, who gets better looking with every guest spot he locks. But why isn't this post-modern Police Woman paired with Alias, the Wonder Woman of the new millennium? No matter, this Sisco kid makes it worth skipping...

Law & Order
... since I can catch it in repeats on nearly every cable channel known to mankind. Still, this is the mack daddy of cop shows, so I forgive them for even thinking to base a character on Jayson Blair. Thankfully, the writers only rip from the headlines, as opposed to the stories "written" by the The New York Times liar, which we all know now are more fiction than fact, anyway.