Oprah After the Show
Oprah Quote of the Night: "I forgot what it's like to be treated like a regular person." Ain't that the truth.

Trading Spouses
I wish some spoiled-butt doctor's wife would sit up in my house talking about "I need my coffee" or "Where's my lunch?" Shoot. Some of us don't believe in letting our 72-year-old mother-in-law wait on us hand and foot — as if she were the maid. That woman knows she ought to be ashamed of herself. But, of course she's not. And now that that blond Mrs. Yakamura has worked my last nerve, I've got to watch this tomorrow to find out what happens. And you know I need to watch another reality show like I need another hole in my head. Darn repeats. Why'd they have to show this tonight?

The T-Mobile Commercial
"You want some of this, monkey boy?!" Hmmm. Now how can I work that line into casual conversation?

The Casino
Alright Tim and Tom, here's lesson No. 5743 on how not to run a casino:

A bikini bowling party is not a classy event. Got that?

Seriously. Why did they act surprised when the promotions guy asked for $50,000 to $75,000 for a bikini bowling party? I expected them to pay it, too. I mean, don't they know the word is out that 'No one gets hosed like Tim and Tom?' Again, I ask, how did they get investors to trust them with millions upon millions? I mean, really. How can I be down — and get somebody to give me to $200 million to renovate the local HoJos? I think I can make it hip again.

For Love or Money 4
Am I the only one who thinks Rachel was smart to ask for Chris's ring back? If ever there was a guy who should be on Boy Meets Boy, he's it. I know it's not nice. But I think Chris's face and voice just don't match his proclaimed sexuality. I'm just sayin'...

The Democratic National Convention: Night One
OK, here's the deal: I'm a politically active sister. I rally, I vote, and when necessary, I protest. But I never — never! — sit through these televised political conventions. They — like most presidential speeches — are torture to me. What? Don't act surprised. By now you know I'm the type who channel surfs like a maniac to find something else to watch. But I'm not going to do that tonight. For real. I'm going to watch it.
10:02 pm Tim Russert says John Kerry has to realize he can't be elected just because Americans are angry at Bush, he has to "sell himself." OK... not so bad.
10:04 Recap of Glenn Close's tribute to 9/11 begins, "The unspeakable horror..." Never forget.
10:06 Haleems Saile, a woman who lost her family that day, stands to speak. Wow the podium's got hydraulics. "Bounce with me. Bounce with me." Whoa. Wait. Rochell, keep it focused. This is serious.
10:10 A 16-year-old violinist starts to play "Amazing Grace." Can't. Take. It.
10:12 So I turn to A&E to watch Airline, and one of Madonna's dancers has lost his bag full of clothes. Show time is fast approaching. Some guy's trying to find the black 22 bag. Look for the "expedite tag." The tag!
10:15 Found the bag. Ah, the show can go on.
10:17 Rocker Dave is too drunk to fly. He's got an hour to sober up or they won't let him on his flight.
10:20 Back to NBC. The Jag-gooo-war commercial's annoying the heck out of me. Why didn't they just stick with Sting?
10:21 Cue the clip from Tom Brokaw's exclusive interview with Bill Clinton. "John Kerry needs to show people who he is," Clinton says. "He needs to close the deal with the American people." Uh-huh.
10:24 Back on A&E... It's not looking good for Rocker Dave. He's still wasted. Looks like "the band" won't be catching this flight.
10:27 Oh, snap! Hillary's talking. Gotta pay attention.
10:34 This is like the second time the camera pans to dreadlocked, pierced-lipped hippie girl. What gives? Well, at least this time she's not cracking her neck.
10:36 Hillary introduces "the 42nd president of the United States" and news guy cuts in to point out that she didn't call him her husband. Dang, that's true. Is she hoping people will forget?
10:46 Clinton makes a joke about how the same Republicans who were kinda mean to him when he was in office are giving him the tax-cut hook-up now that he's a member of America's rich elite. "I almost sent them a thank-you note for my tax cuts until I realized that the rest of you were paying the bill for it and I thought better of it." True! Oh, I'm paying attention now.
10:47 Camera catches delegates desperately trying to paper the crowd with Kerry/Edwards "America's Future" signs. Shouldn't they have passed those out, say, before the cameras started rolling? I'm just saying.
10:52 No, Clinton I don't believe it's a good policy to pay for your tax cut with social security money and borrowed money from China and Japan. Hey!
10:58 "Be not afraid." That's right. Quote the Bible, Clinton. Deut. 1:19 and Joshua 1:9. Work it.
10:58:30 Hey, there's Michael Moore!
10:59 Damn this speech is good. I'm applauding here. I wonder who wrote it. Seriously. Clinton outright admitted he avoided going to war and gets mad crazy tax cuts. He downgraded himself while lifting up John Kerry. And, somehow he managed to praise Bush for being a strong man while slapping him for making the wrong decisions. Plus, he quoted the Constitution's Preamble, thus sticking the song from one of my favorite Schoolhouse Rocks in my head. Sing it with me now. "We the people, in order to form a more perfect union... Establish justice, insure domestic tranquility... Provide for the common defense. Promote the general welfare and...

The Grid
Raza Michaels alone is hot. Raza praying: Even hotter. I know, I know. I've got issues. But what can I say, I'm oddly drawn to the Muslim characters in this show. Actually, for a long minute there tonight I was rootin' for Team Allah. They've got all the cute boys. But, on a serious tip, this really was Raza's episode. I got all choked up when he said, "I don't sleep around. For me, sex, like love, is an act of devotion." And my neighbors will tell you that I yelled, "Raza don't do it!" when he forced his cousin to give him that bank-account information. I mean, I love this country. But would I betray my dearest relations for the red, white and blue? Not if I believed the government hated me the way Raza knows it hates him and his family. He's about as loyal as they come, yet he still has to take a lie-detector test every week. Nah, not this sister. I would not be going out like young Japanese-American soldiers during World War II who volunteered to go off to war to prove their loyalty and love of this nation while their families were locked up stateside in internment camps. (Yeah, I paid a little attention in history class.) Again I say, don't do it, Raza. When things go down, your family will be all you have. You can be loyal and of great service without being a sacrificial lamb. And, for the last time tonight, that's all I'm saying.

The L-Bow Room
Host Leon signs off, saying this BET talk show is going to be back on the schedule this fall. Back? I didn't know it was on to begin with. On the for real, I turned to BET looking for reruns of College Hill.

Oprah After the Show — Again
OK, see now I know it's time to go to bed. When I got home and turned my TV on, Oprah After the Show was on. Now I've come full circle and it's on again. This time Oprah's reminiscing with Hillary Clinton. They're saying that any woman lucky enough to be born today in the United States is already "one of the luckiest women in the world."