One on One
Oh, my goodness. Am I watching a father-daughter comedy on UPN or Skinemax? McKinley High must be the sluttiest school since Fast Times at Ridgemont High! Just look at all those teenagers makin' out and undoin' each other's shirt buttons in the hallways. They need to be spanked! Um, wait, maybe that wouldn't help... Anyway, I liked how Breanna and Spirit read those steamy romance novels so they could seem "experienced" to their trashy schoolmates. Then, the gal pals tried for real sex with their favorite guys, but couldn't go through with it. Aww... how sweet! It's great how this episode shows the clumsiness of losing your virginity — and why it's best to resist peer pressure — without sounding "uncool" to the young peeps. (Okay, speaking of uncool, let me not start talking like Carson Daly.) Bravo, Breanna, for resisting the shirtless Arnaz! If she said no to that kind of temptation, you know God blessed the child with willpower. She'll be aiight.

Whoopi
Why is Whoopi always wearing those tinted John Lennon spectacles on the edge of her nose? Weird. But how fun that Mavis Rae's Winona-style shoplifting scandal landed her on the New York Post's Page Six. (Affectionately known here in Hollywood as Page 666.) Fame. Ain't it a bitch?

Gilmore Girls
Wasn't birth traumatizing enough for Sookie's newborn? Does the poor child have to be exposed to Auntie Lorelai's incessant yammering so soon in life?

Speaking of annoying things, I'm bothered by this brewing romance between Lorelai and Jason "Digger" Stiles, who is played by smarmy Chris Eigeman from the defunct ABC sitcom It's Like, You Know... Yeah, I know she likes him because Emily hates him. But once again, I'm on Mama Emily's side. And all those embarrassing stories about Digger's childhood are not going to arouse my sympathy or help me like him better. Eigeman gives me the creepy crawlies in any role he plays — and I don't want that man touching our Lorelai! Period. Yuck, yuck, yuck! End of discussion.

P.S. Nice to see Rory growing a backbone in her new post as an arts critic for the Yale Daily News. My fellow journalists and I have all tasted the wrath of talentless humps who dislike being called on their talentlessness. Well, too bad. Soldier on, Rory! Do us proud.

24
Oooh! I just figured out how I know Riley Smith, who plays Kyle Singer. Omigod, I can't believe I'm gonna admit this: I saw him in this cheesy straight-to-DVD thriller called Voodoo Academy. It's about a young men's Christian college that's secretly run by Satanists. But really, it's just an excuse to watch hottie no-name actors run around in their boxer briefs. (Don't front like you've never rented that kinda stuff at Blockbuster. Besides, I was at my friend Matthew's house and he had the DVD, okay? I only sat through the movie like any polite guest would.) Anyway, I'm very glad to see Smith's gone on to bigger and better things.

By the way, nice fake-out about Kyle's plastic baggie of white powder. For weeks, the show's had us fretting that somebody would unzip it, accidentally unleashing the lethal virus on L.A. But the virus was never in the powder — it was apparently in Kyle himself! Then, Agent Tony Almeida gets shot trying to nab the kid. These surprises almost make up for Fox's overly revealing TV and radio promos, which screamed "The virus is out!" I just wish those scenes from next week's 24 didn't show the Feds finally catching Kyle. I didn't wanna know that yet!

Primetime Live
Pundits will ponder the political implications of Diane Sawyer's interview with Jessica Lynch. Let 'em. We need to talk style, people. 'Cause this girl — as brave as she is for surviving her terrible ordeal — is stuck in the 1980s. Those all-one-length blond bangs. Those big ol' heart-shaped diamond earrings. The turtleneck sweater with a heart-shaped pendant dangling from a long chain. Sigh. C'mon, ABC! This ex-POW had to endure an Iraqi ambush and captivity — ya couldn't spring for an Extreme Makeover? Not that the kid needs plastic surgery. A decent hairdresser and a wardrobe stylist would do. Hopefully, she'll be able to hire herself some fabulous help, thanks to her million-dollar book deal. And plugging that book is the whole reason she did Primetime, by the way. Nobody agrees to be grilled by pit bulls like La Sawyer and Barbara Walters because it's fun. It's PR. So you may as well look good while you're doing it.

Law & Order: SVU
Loveable George Segal from Just Shoot Me comes back to NBC: As the bigoted father of a murder suspect! And Daphne Zuniga resurfaces from post-Melrose Place oblivion to play the homophobic killer's defense attorney. Now, that's what I call fun 'n freaky casting. On the more serious side, cop shows have come a looong way, baby. It used to be that gay characters were always written as evil, twisted deviants. And that was hurtful to some of us viewers at home. So how refreshing to see SVU skewer everything from religious hatemongers who picket gay funerals to screwed-up "ex-gay" converts to phony-baloney "gay panic" murder defenses. Wow! That's a lotta heavy stuff to deal with in an hour, and what an awesome hour it was.