The O.C.: Obsess Completely
What's with Fox passing infomercials like this off as real programming? Do they think all us OC fans are dumb enough to fall for this? Wait... there's Adam Brody. Oh, Seth Cohen....

Survivor: Vanuatu
Ten Things:
1. Black magic, cannibalism and spear-waving locals. OMG, they are stranded on Blue Lagoon! Seriously. How long till someone finds the skull cave with the altar for human sacrifices?
2. Unlike Eliza, I have no problem not being a part of the Vanuatu welcoming ceremony. Let them mark the men with pig's blood. I'm cool with that. No swine on mine. Thanks much.
3. Everybody hates the black man. That's just clich&#233. Sure Rory's corny and a bit too geeky. But can't a brother get some love? It's not like he screwed up and made the team lose — like, oh, Chris did.
4. Speaking of Chris... how great is it that his "He's got the frame but he ain't got the brain" comment almost came back to bite him in the no-balance-having butt?
5. Before anybody says anything, I got dibs on cute FBI guy Brady. He's my new reality-TV beau. So hands off.
6. And, not to go all high school, but you knew I'd have to rank the top three men on the cute scale. My guy Brady (of course) takes first place. He's followed by that jailbait-looking John K. And there's third-place tie between manic JP (John P) and one-legged Chad. (Hey, I'm an equal-opportunity hussy.)
7. Speaking of man-made appendages... poor Scout. That artificial knee's slowing her down and it's gonna get her sent back to Oklahoma.
8. Oddly, I think Twila's butch, take-no-bull attitude's going to have the same effect. She's a workhorse. And those pretty-pony sorority girls are going to use her and lose her as soon as possible.
9. They voted off Brook?! At first I thought, "Dang I didn't see that coming!" But then I realized, of course I didn't see it coming. The editors crafted it that way by not letting us see the men scheme against him. They think they're slick.
10. OK, so, next they have to vote off country-talking Travis. Please! Dude said, and I quote, "It started raining like pouring pee out a boot on a flat rock!" I can not handle 36 more days of talk like that. Plus his only shirt is a tight Bob Barker T-shirt. Oh, my eyes!

Joey
I believe Drea de Matteo as Gina, Matt LeBlanc's clingy, overprotective mother of a big sister. I do. When she told her son Michael, "I think it will be easier if you sit here and I bring you girls. What do you like, big chests?", it was weird and creepy. But I was convinced she meant it. Then I thought, the way things are going lately, I wouldn't mind if my mother tried to fix me up. But that's off the subject.

The New iPod Commercial
Funny: When I dance like that — all jerky, got-a-bug-on-me-spastic — people ask what's wrong. But these kids, they get to be in a commercial. Hmmm.

Will & Grace
OK, it's official. Will and Grace have taken this codependent best-friend thing a bit too far. Who cares if Will has a reason to not trust Leo (aka The Beef)? Last time I checked, Will was not married to the man. Not that I think Grace should have taken Leo back. Shoot, I think it's wrong for Leo to still be on the show. No offense, Harry Connick Jr., you sexy thing. But really, your whole marriage/doctors-without-borders story line was a dawdle into dumbland. It was about as plausible as Jennifer Lopez sleeping on Jack's kitchen floor, or a bodyguardless J. Lo riding on the subway and talking on the cell phone. But what do I know? I still think Jack is funny. He's a stereotypically gay caricature of a man, yet he makes me laugh every time.

The New Burger King Commercial
"Wake up with king." Riiiight. Try "Wake up with a freaky plastic-looking white man in a crown grinning down at you!" ...that's creepy.

The Apprentice
No, he didn't! The Donald fired Bradford just because he got cocky and ran his mouth. That's so hypocritical. The billionaire Trump does that all the time, claiming his show was the highest-rated series of last season, overstating his personal worth and exaggerating the success of his projects. Yet when Bradford does the same thing he gets punished for it. Come on. I mean, yeah, it was stupid of Bradford to give up his exempt status. But to fire him for it... that's harsh.

And another thing. I've said it before and I'll say it again, The Apprentice is one of he best reality shows with the worst prizes ever. The Mosaic men worked like dogs selling ice cream and their just reward was $4000 caviar dinners. What. Ever. Caviar is just fish eggs. Personally, I think it's random that in the days of fish farms it's still a coveted delicacy. Now if the Donald had sent Mosaic to Russia for that dinner or given them the cash equivalent of their overpriced raw eggs and fancy bread meal, then I would have been impressed. I'm just saying.

Oh, and Stacie J., girl. You probably suspected it before, but you know it now: Your curly-topped self is marked for takedown. (BTW: Where do you get your hair done?) So you need to chill on the acting cracked-out crazy and make nice with the Apex divas. If Ivana can survive this, so can you. For real.