Lost
Yes! Not only is it a new episode, but Jack got to beat the snot out of Ethan, Charlie pumped him full of lead, Sawyer played a good guy and Claire's back safe and sound. Good work, gang! Now, can we discuss the amnesia epidemic going on here? Not too happy about that. With the "Other Man" toes-up and neither Charlie or Claire being able to remember any details, it could be weeks before we find out what really happened after they were abducted. And how come our little Hobbit can recall his junkie days selling copiers and screwing over that nice girl back home, but not being tortured and hanged less than a month ago? I would imagine that sort of pain stays pretty fresh in one's mind. Kind of like whatever caused that mournful look between Jin and Sun while they were discussing Claire's baby. Hmmm. While we chew on that, let's have a moment of silence for Scott Jackson. We hardly knew you, bro.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search
Sixty minutes to tell us that Alicia beat Shannon for the cover? Hell, I just did it in less than 60 seconds. And not a single montage. You're welcome.

Smallville
Check it out! Luke from The O.C. is like, a huge Metropolis U. football star now. And a meteor mutant with a paralyzing Vulcan Death Grip, but that's OK. At least he's not picking on Seth, right? Really, it's nice to see Chris Carmack getting work beyond his beefcakey Abercrombie ads. And on TV's other great teen drama, no less. Shame he can't stick around, since things are really heating up here. Lex just showed a totally glam Lana a picture that proves Genevieve had a hand in her and Jason's "chance meeting" in Paris. Chloe's dropping the cutest hints to Clark about knowing his secret, and Lois is sticking around, thanks to her new digs with the Kents. You know what that means for the teen of Steel. Yep, let the accidental bathroom run-ins and awkward sexual sparks begin!

Project Runway
Oh, no, she didn't! You better back off Wendy. I don't care if Nancy O'Dell picked your orangey-feathered mini-whatever for the Grammys. Saying you want to win so you "can look at Kara Saun in the rearview mirror" and knocking Austin out of the running with that stolen design just makes you all the more loathsome. You said it yourself: You have been in the bottom two for weeks! There is no reason for you to be showing at Fashion Week. I'm with Jay. I am grossed out. And yes, she should have put lipstick on for the final challenge. Just goes to show that she don't know. But she will. Trust me, aiight?

Alias
Oh, man. J.J. Abrams must be having a blast this season. Lost is the new crack for TV junkies and his other child is stone-cold banging. At first, I thought the self-contained episodes would suck, but I'm digging Syd, Vaughn and Dixon as the Angels to Sloane's malevolent Charlie. Which I guess makes Jack one scary-ass Bosley. Speaking of scary, how about Syd going Sybil after being bitten by that drugged-out zombie spy guy. LOVE IT when good girls go bad. Especially when it means a Vaughn-Bristow throw down and attempted patricide. Note to self: Explore daddy issues... something's there.

Jack & Bobby
Truth? So falling for this show. Sure, Grace is a pill, with her pious political stance on Bobby and Peter's hunting trip, but that's what makes it work. She needs to be a buzzkill to justify the boys' well-deserved irritation with her. And can I get an "Amen" on Jack's tirade after crashing her and Tom's afternoon delight? Even if Brad Cooper is yum, as my roomie would — and does — say, you just don't do it on the dining-room table when school's letting out. And you definitely don't go "au naturel" with your apparently very sexually active teaching assistant. That's just wrong. Same with Courtney and Nate. "Pulling out" is never a good idea, especially when your life is literally a drama. Don't these people watch WB?

American Idol
How are we not down to the voting yet? It's been like, a month since this season began and still we're with the "That was dreadddful" from Simon and all the screaming moms. Come on. I don't care if Wilson Blake got cut, or that Matthew Meyers forgot the mind-blowingly complex lyrics to "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch." I want a Top 24, pronto. Unless there are more fights between Paula and Simon that require producer intervention. Then I can wait a little longer. But not much, ya hear me Fox?

Wife Swap
Paging Anita Bryant. There's a new holy rolling gay-basher in town and her name is Kris Gillespie. Nothing more than a one-woman hate crime with a heart of bile and a browbeaten husband, this so-called Christian conservative Republican — from Texas, go figure — makes Jesse Helms look like a bi-curious metrosexual Wiccan. With her insults and holier-than-thou 'tude about the "depraved" lifestyle of her "freak" counterpart, lesbian Kristine Luffey, it's almost too hard to watch Cruella accuse Luffey — and seemingly anyone who ever watched Ellen — of being a sexual predator. The only good I can find here is that Gillespie's glum brood had the time of their motherly smothered lives with the free-spirited Luffey. Who, by the way, didn't utter a single word against straights, Christians, Republicans or Texans. You know why? Because she knows it's all about the real L word. Love. So if that's how depraved freaks behave, then sign me up. As for Hagatha Kris-ty, well, it's a good thing she fancies sleeveless outfits. I hear Hell gets awfully hot.