Lost
WHOAAA!! What the...? Locke couldn't walk before the crash? You're messing with a lot of people, Mr. J.J. Abrams, so you had better have one pants-wetter of an explanation for all these freaky island twists, OK? Obviously, this isn't heaven, since there's no way that shrew Shannon could get past the Pearlies. And Hell would never have such good scenery. So that leaves us with either the Bermuda Triangle, one of the survivor's St. Elsewhere-y hallucinations or Stefano DiMera is behind it all. Oh, wait, that's Days of our Lives' "captive island" plot. Well, then I got nuthin'. But I can promise you two things: One, Locke did not kill that boar. And two, he knows what did. Why he's keeping mum about that and his pre-accident paralysis is as shady as, well, that undertaker-looking dude Jack keeps seeing over by the trees. Which, by the way, was only a wee bit more unsettling than that look the Korean lady gave Michael when he asked her to look after his kid. What's going on there, hmm?

Smallville
I always knew cheerleaders were evil! But I never imagined they'd resort to brewing up some voodoo Gatorade to keep their oily football beau-hunks in line. Then again, I never imagined I would see so much flesh on display on an 8 pm show, either. Seriously, what was with all the Abercrombie locker-room scenes? Between them, the naughty pep-squad uniforms and that pom-pom vixen's weight-room feeding frenzy on Clark's half-dressed bod, this was more Skinemax than Superman. And I liked it. I'm also liking Erica Durance's Lois. Never mind that no high-schooler has a set of Daily Planets like that. Anyone who can fight off a lust-crazed Chloe with Krav Maga moves is totally worth her weight in Kryptonite.

America's Next Top Model
I know, I know. It's reality. I'll make this quick. The girls did a topless photo shoot that looked like a model massacre. Eva, Ann and Kelle went yachting with last year's winner Yoanna House. Norelle pulled a Naomi Campbell-worthy face-plant on the runway. Christie got cut. And Janice Dickinson scared the hell out of me. Almost as much as...

The Creepy Commercial of the Night Award
...which goes to the death-white mannequin that stalks the guy in the Levis ad. It's no Burger King nightmare juice (as one reader so perfectly put it), but this "Powder" gone mad gives me the stone-cold willies.

The Presidential Debate
So I've learned not to tick off a certain 48 percent of the voting public, thanks to a few very, um, unpleasant e-mails. And since we are in a dead heat between Bush and Kerry, I'm not even gonna tell which side I'm talking about. Just suffice it to say that I watched this, both men had very nice red ties on and that the short one's "comprehensive plan" to fight terrorism doesn't mean much to me until said plan is actually explained. In the same regard, the long-faced one's references to Cheney's daughter during his same-sex marriage retort were just tacky. We all know she's gay. So either let her be or let her marry. Just quit using her to embarrass Pops, ya hear. And is it just me or do these debates have anyone else missing those "Point/Counterpoint" bits on SNL's original Weekend Update? Though considering Bush's weird smirk whenever he said Osama bin Laden, I don't know if he would be able to keep a straight face for "John, you ignorant slut."

The Creepiest Commercial of the Night Award
The Grudge. What is that in Buffy's hair?! Are those knuckles? Agghghhhhhh!!!!

The Mountain
Check it out. The guy who's sleeping with D.B. Sweeney's wife on Life as We Know It is also blackmailing David. Apparently someone's never heard of karma. Sadly, a lot of other people haven't heard about this addictive little ski-resort soap, which is sort of a shame. Ya'll are missing some good stuff. Maybe not nakedy stuff, since this is set in snow, but what they lack in those Oliver Hudson hot-tub shots, they make up for with actual plot. Especially now that Travis knows David killed some kid years ago. Or did he? And can I get a show of hands from anyone else who has the sneaky suspicion that the X-Files guy is the secret baby-daddy to one of Barbara Hershey's boys? 'Cause you so know that's coming.

Rescue Me
Aww, man, now this is how you end a season. Blazes, brawls, emotional bombshells. This is like Melrose Fireplace. Dag. And the best thing is that so much is still up in the smoky air, what with Tommy transferring to another house, Jerry learning his wife's diagnosis and Lou obviously heading for trouble with crazy Kirsten from Party of Five. Of course, Franco has to pull through. I mean, the last thing Engine 99 needs is another ghost gettin' all up in Tommy's emotional grill. The first thing they need, however, is to come back sooner than next summer. After all, I'm still a little lost as to why Garrity was bawling in that closing montage. Was it because Idina Menzel ate half his face when she kissed him on the park bench, or because his break-up lie about being gay wasn't actually a lie? Or was he as affected by Denis Leary's confession to Lou about his feelings for Sheila? Because unless it was the tears in my eyes, that scene had Emmy written all over it.