Snooki Snooki

With every new year comes resolutions that you're really going to stick with, right? For example, I resolved to watch less trashy reality TV. But then I realized that there was a new episode of Kourtney and Kim Take New York Sunday night (yup, that was New Year's Day) and I thought: "Screw it! My lowbrow taste in television doesn't define me!" And I watched it, and it was awesome.

If you're like me, then you'll probably find yourself parked in front of your TV drinking Ron-Ron juice for Thursday night's Jersey Shore premiere (10/9c, MTV). And, like me, you'll be disgusted with yourself over your decision — but you'll do it anyway.

Jersey Shore's Snooki reveals dramatic weight loss

During the episode, I found six specific reasons that made me hate myself for succumbing yet again:

1. They favor Jersey over Italy because, in the words of Pauly D, "I can't go tanning out here, I can't get a haircut out here ... and the gym sucks!"

2. The three most deplorable people in the house — Ronnie, Sam and The Situation — are all shacking up in a room together again.

3. Upon her return to Jersey, Snooki illustrates how much she missed pickles by drinking pickle juice — straight from an economy-sized jar.

4. The Situation's friend Jonathan shows up. But he prefers to go by a loathsome nickname, too — The Unit. And he's a thousand times worse than The Situation.

5. "This is Hurricane Situation. And it's coming straight for Snooki Island."

6. Guido Bingo noun. pl. Guido Bingos: a gambling game, usually played with several people, in which a girl sleeps with all four male roommates in the house.

Jersey Shore premieres Thursday at 10/9c on MTV.