One day, many years from now, Game of Thrones fans will look back on the HBO fantasy series and discuss at length just what an important, transformative show it was in this era of peak TV.
...That is, if we can all stop weeping and rending our clothing for long enough to actually form a complete sentence. Which is gonna be hard, because if there's one thing Game of Thrones does better than anything else, it's to take a metaphorical sledgehammer to every single one of your feelings — and then resurrect them using creepy blood magic just to crush them even harder for a second time.
But it's fine. We're fine. The crushing is fine. We like sobbing in the fetal position on the floor of our coat closet, clutching a tear-stained, life-sized cardboard replica of Oberyn Martell (Pedro Pascal), which we definitely did not steal from a Blu-Ray floor display at Best Buy before fleeing from the police.
And with only a couple weeks remaining until the next round of devastation commences, it is our pleasure to revisit all the best, worst times that Game of Thrones emotionally destroyed its fans.
1. That head-crushing, though.
Ellaria Sand was all of us when the charming Oberyn suffered an absolutely horrific death at the hands of The Mountain.
2. Jorah Mormont, friendzoned forever.
The agony of Jorah's unrequited love for Daenerys was actually worse than death, because it is so embarrassing.
3. Jorah Mormont 2.0.
The good news is, Jorah is back in his beloved Khaleesi's good graces. The bad news is, he's got a deadly and highly contagious skin infection and can't even get a hug before he turns into a piece of human granite. So everything is still terrible.
4. All direwolves go to heaven.
Look, I can handle any amount of human pain and suffering just as long as nothing bad happens to the d... oh. No. NOOOOOOOOOOO.
5. The death of Ned Stark.
Or: The first time you realized that George R.R. Martin's only true desire is to hurt you in the deepest and most tender part of your heart.
6. Sansa's never-ending torment.
For every beheading, shanking, or burning on this list, let us not forget the part where watching Sansa's plotline was the emotional equivalent of having your skin slowly peeled off for five straight years.
7. The Red Wedding.
The Lannisters sent their regards, and we sobbed ourselves to sleep every night for the next three weeks. ...Okay, years.
8. The worst breakup, ever.
This was before we realized that nobody on this show will ever live happily ever after, because love is a lie.
9. Sweet Shireen goes up in flames.
Seven hells, Stannis. We were rooting for you! We were ALL rooting for you! How dare you?!
10. The assassination of Jon Snow.
Tywin Lannister: Whatever else happens, there will never be a more terrible and devastating betrayal on this show than that business I pulled at the Red Wedding.
Olly: Hold my beer.
11. The death of Rickon Stark.
Olly: Whatever else happens, there will never be a more agonizing moment than that time I betrayed Jon Snow.
Ramsay Bolton: Hold my sausage.
12. And of course, the door.
Ramsay Bolton: Whatever else happens--
Game of Thrones returns for its seventh season on July 16, 9pm/8c, on HBO.