Enterprise
Two weeks watching this Star Trek prequel and I think I've caught geek. True, I have no idea what spatial distortions are or why Jolene Blalock's T'Pol is rocking that low-cut terry track suit, but nobody gives good threat better than Scott Bakula. He may not be the stud William Shatner was, but you gotta give big props to a Captain willing to decompress an air-locked prisoner into giving up the aliens who blew up South America. But someone had better check the navigation system. With half the crew sporting Hawaiian Tropic tans, I fear the ship may be getting too close to the sun.

True Hollywood Story
Poor George Lucas. The man sullied a resume that included Star Wars and Raiders by producing Paula Abdul's "Rush, Rush" video. Well, at least he was cool enough to mimic Rebel Without a Cause and smart enough to cast Keanu Reeves in a non-speaking part. Abdul, on the other hand, will always have to live with marrying Emilio Estevez.

Newlyweds
MTV has the funniest show on TV and has no idea. How else can they re-air the episode of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson camping and not expect us to laugh? That is, when we're not crying for Nick. And Jess, burn that shawl. We saw the one where you guys moved into the mansion, so stop dressing like a homeless Minnie Pearl.

Quiznos I get the whole "what, were you raised by wolves?" joke, but showing us a guy suckling on the teat of anything is not the way to sell hoagies, guys.

American Justice
My roommate is obsessed with Bill Kurtis and now I see why. That guy could make the phone book sound compelling, much less this grisly tale of a cheerleader killed by a football player. Note to self: If a tale begins in "a remote section of Oklahoma," expect bad things. Second note to self: Your roomie has weird daddy issues.

Big Brother 4
I heard that Julie Chen used to be a journalist. All I'm seeing is Pleather Tuscadero endlessly teasing a "live eviction." Once it finally goes down and Robert's out, I begin praying for a live execution of remaining squatters Alison and Jun. And I beg to differ with Al's father. His lil' princess isn't "the girl America loves to hate." Pops, we just hate her. There is no love involved.

Fang vs. Fiction: The Real Underworld of Vampires and Werewolves
So what if this is really just a huge ad for that new Kate Beckinsale horror movie. Any show that goes out of its way to round up self-proclaimed werewolves and goth-clad cultists is worth an hour of my time. Makes a lot of folks at the office seem very normal. Not good lunch-table guests, just normal.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just the spots for this remake get my skin crawling. One question: Do Jessica Biel's low-riders get their own screen credit? Because they may be the most special effect in the damn flick.

Sorority Life
Either I am far older than I am ready to accept or season three's new pledge Michelle is the world's most annoying up-talker. "It's the first time I've ever lived with other people? So, I don't know how I feel about giving up my privacy?" Girl, you keep ending everything with a question and you won't have to worry about having too many people around, OK?