Emmy Awards
8:04 I'm not really watching the Black Eyed Peas serenade TV backed by Earth, Wind & Fire's "September," am I? Somewhere Rob Lowe and Snow White are howling.
8:06 Ellen DeGeneres working the smart "hostess" pantsuit and the Katrina flower. Somewhere else, Lance Armstrong is shaking his fist at a big box of rubber bracelets.
8:10 "If you don't win an award, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Just a bad actor." Then explain that Tilly girl with the Oscar, hon.
8:11 Blythe Danner is nominated for three awards and One Tree Hill got bupkis?! That ain't right.
8:13 Well, they're not wasting any time. Here are the Housewives. Or at least Susan, Gaby, Bree, Edie's shoulder and half of Lynette. But why is Hatcher carrying a cigar? Oh, outstanding supporting actor in a comedy. I get it. Now let's just hand the statue to... Jeremy Piven. Sadly, for some reason, it goes to Raymond's Brad Garrett. I'm getting my gun!
8:15 Cute, dedicating his award to Britney and her baby. Now give it to Ari. Or, you know, name the entire Raymond staff. Because we haven't heard their names 120 times before.
8:22 Outstanding supporting actor in a drama series. Now this is a toughie. Love Alan Alda, since he reminds me of my dad, but Terry O'Quinn is so creepy.
8:23 So let's give it to William Shatner and his heinously damasked tuxedo. Is that from the Vegas Pimp collection?
8:24 Oh no. "Emmy Idol." Please, Ellen, don't.
8:25 Well, at least Trump and Will & Grace's Karen Walker on "Green Acres" gives us the Donald in overalls for the first time in his life. That's historical, right?
8:27 Awww, Ducky and Chucky. It's Two and a Half Men presenting outstanding something or another in a variety something. And a shot of Glenn Close deep-throating a water bottle on Leno. Welcome to the family hour, folks.
8:28 Hugh Jackman takes it for the Tonys. Which is so funny, considering that nobody watches them in the first place. So maybe Hope & Faith still have a chance!
8:35 The Blue Man Group presenting outstanding reality competition may be the wildest thing I'll see all night. Other than The Amazing Race beating American Idol. I mean, please. None of those folks slept with Paula Abdul.
8:38 You know someone on the writing staff had a big old giggle at putting "Young Master" Braff and Hugh Laurie together for outstanding supporting actress in a drama. "Two doctors... one's mean, the other's mid-season. Hey, it beats your Martin Sheen-Crystal Bernard 'West Wings' joke."
8:40 Congrats Blythe Danner. You are so much cooler than your kid. But save the antiwar speeches for Tim Robbins, Richard Gere, Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon... Susan Ruttan, I don't care. Just don't be "that" person, OK?
8:45 Jason Lee's show hasn't even started yet and he gets to present supporting actor in a movie or miniseries with Debra Messing? Who's next? Chris O'Donnell and someone from The O.C.?
8:46 Thank you, Paul Newman, for not being here to accept for Empire Falls. Let's keep this thing moving!
8:47 How much you wanna bet Lauren Graham said "Jennifer Love who?" when she heard she had to share the stage to present the supporting actress in a movie or miniseries gold? Because you know Love was all "Who the hell is... Jane Alexander?" after she won for Warm Springs.
8:49 Oh, no... Kristen Bell's doing the theme from Fame. Oh... OK, the voice isn't bad. And those abs. Dag.
8:51 Shut my mouth. It's Rachel Bilson and... Chris O'Donnell. Either I'm psychic or wasting my talents.
8:55 There is a god. The Daily Show just scored for writing for a variety, comedy or musical series.
8:56 And I bet that god cares about black people. So simma, Kanye.
9:02 Mischa Barton is taller than Entourage's Adrian Grenier! I'm telling you, she's Gigantor! Oddly, outstanding supporting actress in a comedy Doris Roberts is shorter than her grandchildren. And totally not deserving of that fourth trophy. Yes, I said it. Jessica Walter, I'm feelin' for ya.
9:03 How much do we love that Letterman was picked to lead the Johnny Carson tribute? Makes sense, seeing how Johnny used to send Dave jokes after he left the air. So eat it, Jay. Yeah, I said that too.
9:07 OK, getting a little choked up. I gotta quit those carb blockers.
9:15 Cripes, a cast reunion of Everybody Loves Raymond? They've been off the air for like, an hour. And Brad Garrett had better be joking about a spin-off.
9:16 I take it back. "Honey, I've been drunk since the wrap party" just earned Doris Roberts my eternal worship.
9:17 Considering all their wins, doesn't the Raymond posse deserve a higher-profile category that outstanding variety, music or comedy series? Even if it is the glorious Daily Show, the gang did good for CBS. Should have thrown them one of the biggies.
9:18 Aww, look at Jon Stewart being so cute about admiring Letterman. Let's hug.
9:20 I don't care what you say, put Macy Gray in a dress and throw her onstage with Gary Dourdan for The Jeffersons theme, she still looks baked like a cake. Maybe she could get a guest gig on Weeds.
9:22 Patricia Arquette, the prom queen called. She wants her dress back. But she said you can keep the smudgy makeup.
9:23 That's right! J.J. Abrams totally deserves that trinket for outstanding direction for a drama series. Did you see that pilot? And not the one who got all eaten up. If not, go buy the DVD set. That s--- is bananas.
9:25 House for drama series writing? I'll buy that.
9:32 Just need to take a moment to say that the new Veronica Mars season looks fierce.
9:33 So does Halle Berry!
9:34 Kind of expected Geoffrey Rush to take outstanding lead actor in a movie or miniseries for The Life and Death of Peter Sellers. Branagh was better as FDR, but Hollywood loves their dead celebrities.
9:36 And I love what age is doing for Patrick Dempsey. Ellen Pompeo isn't bad either, but who knew the kid from Can't Buy Me Love would grow up to become Dr. McDreamy?
9:38 See? I told you they love dead celebs! Peter Sellers just took outstanding direction and writing.
9:40 Write this down: Speeches suck. Can we get Kristen Bell back up there? Another Trump duet? Test pattern? Anything?
9:45
Geena Davis is taller than Matthew Fox? Someone get Mischa Barton and a steel cage. I smell a pay-per-view deathmatch!
9:46 Guess Lackawanna Blues' S. Epatha Merkerson wasn't expecting to get props for outstanding lead actress in a movie or miniseries, either. But that's what these awards shows should be about: genuine surprise instead of faces that have been Botoxed into a perpetual state of shock. And speeches stuck in bras, of course.
9:50 I'm not even gonna try to explain Jon Stewart's pretaped and riotously edited rant on the government's [insert your own political slant here] response to Katrina. Let's just say it was funnier than any of the comedies up for outstanding direction.
9:51 Great, Housewives just scored. Like ABC needed a reason to be even stingier with info on the damn show. Thanks, voters.
9:53 With three nominations, it would have been horrifying if Arrested Development had lost outstanding writing for a comedy series.
10:00 Quentin Tarantino scares me. The fact that Marg Helgenberger is smiling so close to that freak scares me even more.
10:01 So Warm Springs loses everything but outstanding made-for-TV movie. Sure.
10:03 William Shatner and an opera singer are covering the Star Trek theme. You guys should see Pepito the Wonder Chihuahua right now. I think he's having a stroke.
10:11 All these freakin' movie and miniseries awards, and The Lost Prince takes outstanding mini? When the hell was that on? And what was it about? I need a TiVo.
10:12 And a latte.
10:19 Still waiting on that latte, people!
10:20 A standing ovation for Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather? Could this show be any more boring?
10:20:05 Jennafleck! We hate Ben, right?
10:21 Wake up, Stockard Channing. If I have to keep it together, so do you.
10:22 Oh screw it. Zzzzzzzzzzz.
10:27 Was I having a nightmare or did that commercial just say Yes, Dear was still on?
10:30 Here we go. Outstanding lead actress in a comedy series. Whoa, Eric McCormack didn't seem to dig Conan's joke about NBC's new season starting and ending tomorrow.
10:31 Please let it be Bree.
10:31:09 Please. Please. Please.
10:32 FELICITY HUFFMAN?! That's even better! Rock on! Yes! And a Sports Night shout-out. This woman is my Emmy Idol!
10:33 Only thing scarier than Quentin Tarantino? James Spader.
10:34 Outstanding lead actress in a drama series needs to go to... Patricia Arquette. Just so we can see how much her makeup can smudge. Because it should have gone to Jennifer Garner, since this unholy union with Ben is so obviously the end of her career as we know it.
10:35 Her strap is hanging off and she's talking about soldiers in Iraq. We could have had Jen giggling and "forgetting" to thank Michael Vartan, but no.
10:36 Yikes, it's memoriam time. Pass the hankies. Bill Bell, Miss Ellie, Dangerfield, Ossie Davis...the Riddler, Scotty, Gilligan, Superman, Phoebe Tyler, Lenny Briscoe... OK, I'm a mess. What is in those carb blockers?!
10:45 See, now CBS' favoritism is starting to show. Why else have Sela Ward present lead comedy actor with, oh, say, the network's late-night host Craig Ferguson? If I were Monk's two-time winner Tony Shalhoub, I'd be feeling a little ripped off that an A-lister didn't hand me the statue.
10:46 Same thing with lead drama champ James Spader. Granted, we love Charles S. Dutton, but to have him give out one of the top prizes just because he's on CBS' new Threshold? Not cool. Doesn't the previous year's comedy winner usually get that honor? Well, whatever the case, it's moot, since it should have been Ian McShane scaring the censors into sterility with what you know would have been a foulmouthed acceptance mumbling.
10:54 Megan Mullally and Trump just won Emmy Idol. My ass is numb and this is how they're wasting my night. Lovely. Where is my damn latte!?
10:55 OK, I have to admit it: Lost so deserved its win. Hell to the yes, it tap-danced on my last nerve and gave us zip in the season finale, but really, if Damon Lindelof can admit that he knows his mystery-island hit was frustrating, I can hang for another season. Just don't tell my editor Tracy. It'll be a whole "told ya so" mess.
10:57 This year's show kind of bites, doesn't it?
10:58 Fine. It's only right that Raymond go out with its final outstanding comedy series win. Personally, I'm still so jazzed about Felicity Huffman, I couldn't care less. But I'm sure they're all happy. Not to be working together anymore, I mean. And this way, I don't have to shoot my TV.
10:59 And finally, I would like to thank TVGuide.com editors Angel Cohn and Sabrina Rojas Weiss, without whom I wouldn't be here. And really, there is no place I'd rather be. Good night, everyone, and God bless.   Damian J. Holbrook