The Biggest Loser

Loved Gary telling Maurice "you'll have to go through me" to get to that sticky, gooey cinnamon bun. It didn't even look all that tempting, did it? There was no challenge there for me. Had they left an avocado bacon cheeseburger and curly fries next to that telephone, however, I would've broken my diet in a flash. And I would then have used my phone call to ring up my boyfriend and have him bring over a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia. 'Cause it's all over at that point, so why not go out in a blaze of glory, ya know whumsayin'?

The Rebel Billionaire: Branson's Quest for the Best
Virgin founder Richard Branson, who insists his vanity series wasn't inspired by the success of Donald Trump's The Apprentice, referenced Trump in the pilot episode. Hmm... They appeared to be mocking The Donald by having that goofy-lookin' Trump impersonator step out of the limo while Branson exited an English cab to demonstrate how comparatively laid-back and cool he is. To me, though, Branson only underscored what an also-ran he really is. Trump may be an egomaniacal billionaire too, but at least he's been somewhat original about it.

Gilmore Girls
"You date one old guy and suddenly you're Catherine Zeta-Jones." — Paris (Liza Weil) becoming paranoid that middle-aged professors are lusting after her

P.S. Lane's Seventh-day Adventist mother is a member of a sewing circle called Crocheting for Christ. Too funny!

Veronica Mars
Oooh, Veronica meets the high-school yearbook staff. They're even geekier than us kids who worked on the school newspaper! As she pored over the old yearbooks looking for traces of her mom's past, didn't Ronnie remind you of Chloe Sullivan from Smallville? They're both blond, brainy and extremely nosy. Although Ronnie's definitely more confident with guys. Gotta grant her that.

Oddly homoerotic moment of the night: Two guys are alone together during detention. The Latino boy interrupts the rich, cocky white boy's game of solitaire with this provocative line: "You like playin' wit' yaself or you wanna make things interesting?"

Oh, no he di'int!

Scrubs
Julianna Margulies is back on an NBC hospital show. But it's not ER. It's Scrubs, whose creator, Bill Lawrence, clearly has a weird penchant for super-smart sexpots who emasculate every man in their path. Vamping around in slinky black and gray outfits, Nina the medical-malpractice attorney seemed very dominatrixy — I half-expected her to make J.D. lick her stilettos! That A Chorus Line-inspired fantasy dance number, where Nasty Nina kicked and smacked every pair of gonads in sight, was highly amusing — and telling. Speaking as an armchair psychologist, methinks somebody in this show's writers' room has mommy issues.

By the way, Zach Braff's cute as J.D., but it's hard not to be incredulous at his revolving door of gorgeous guest-star bedmates. I could buy him hooking up with party-girl Tara Reid (who's probably seeing through beer goggles most of the time), but not Julianna Margulies. As if!

Second oddly homoerotic moment of the night: What's up with J.D. pointing out that the shirtless guy had "dynamite areolas"?

Law & Order: SVU
Whoa! Kyle MacLachlan grabbed a cop's gun and shot that evil little boy. SVU loves to shock, and they sure accomplished that here. I'm not sure I want to watch a child, no matter how naughty, gunned down for any reason. That smirking bad seed did remind me of Macaulay Culkin in that movie The Good Son, though.

NYPD Blue
Dennis Franz having visions of Jimmy Smits reminds me of when Tony Soprano sees dead people in his soul-searching Sopranos dream sequences. Actually, Bobby reassuring Andy that there is a God — and that all his dearly departed loved ones are OK — felt a little more like Touched by an Angel. That's not a dis, though — I really liked that show. Bobby's angelic pep talk was classily done. Andy's been through hell lately, and he deserved a little heavenly comforting. It's also very satisfying when a long-running show mines its rich past to add some juice to current story lines. Though he still misses Andy Jr., Andy definitely has his hands full in the here and now with his troubled surrogate son, Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

Meanwhile, that blond Barbie doll (who replaced Jessalyn Gilsig, who very temporarily replaced Charlotte Ross) isn't even remotely convincing with her tough talk. Poor Jacqueline Obradors. I'm embarrassed for her, having to look like she takes all these ill-chosen Ross recasts seriously as policewomen.

Third oddly homoerotic moment of the night: Bill Brochtrup's gay squad-room secretary, John Irvin, flirting with Gerard, the queeny burglary victim, while bonding over his Autumn Festival china pattern. What's odd about this one? Brochtrup is way too young and good-looking to give him the time of day. Again, as if! It's hard to picture them going out in real life. Even so, I'm just glad to see Bill B. get so many lines and so much screen time for a change. (Who knew John had a grandfather who lost his farm? Or a personal life outside the precinct house?) Of course, before the episode's end, John's romantic interest was revealed to have stolen his own merchandise for insurance-fraud purposes. At least John got to help bust the louse. He deserves better anyway. This fan just hopes that, this being Blue's final season, Gerard wasn't the last man we'll ever see John involved with! Please, Steven Bochco, let him ride off into the sunset with a nice BF.