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Bachelor in Paradise Should End Early If It's Just Going to Be All Tia and Colton

Call it off halfway through, because I can't take it

liam-mathews
Liam Mathews

For about 45 minutes, it seemed like Bachelor in Paradise had finally moved away from the exhausting Colton and Tia drama and was going to deliver its first good episode of the season. The Kendall, Leo and Grocery Joe stuff was the kind of light, fun drama we want from Bachelor in Paradise. But then a trapdoor opened and we were dropped down into the dark pit of Coltia once again. It felt like that scene in every horror movie where the hero thinks they've gotten away and then the killer pops up out of nowhere. This season is genuinely no fun to watch because of this.

The episode started with Krystal sage-ing the girls to cleanse their energy after the previous night's blowup, which is exactly the kind of thing Krystal would do. Jenna said she was done with Jordan after his unseemly behavior the night before. She said he looked at her with meanness in his eyes.

Leo arrived. This will be kind of a drag, knowing what we know about what Leo likes to do on Instagram.

But the girls don't seem to know about that. They were all very into Leo's hair, especially Chelsea. Leo gave his date card to Kendall, much to Grocery Joe's chagrin. He told Kendall he wouldn't have done that, but she was like "well." Joe told her he hoped she had a bad time. It was funny and sweet, but he meant it.

People are still stanning hard for Grocery Joe, and they were very mad at Kendall for saying yes to another guy when they had what seemed like a solid relationship.

Their date was a shoot for Jose the Bartender's "romance novel." As he told the story, it was acted out by Arie and Lauren and Ben Higgins and Amanda Stanton. We'd been seeing Ben yelling "I am unlovable!" dressed in a mariachi outfit on the beach in promos all season, but this was not what I was expecting the context for that to be. Shoutout to Bachelor in Paradise for surprising me. It was very silly, and I enjoyed it.

Leo and Kendall started making out, and I didn't enjoy that as much. I like her and Grocery Joe, man. Poor Joe was so sad. Kendall told Leo that she liked how confident he was. They made out a lot more -- with Kendall's butt blurred out -- while Joe expressed some displeasure with the situation to Wells, which is about as worked up as mild-mannered Joe gets.

When Kendall got back, Joe was unhappy, and Kendall tried to be like, "Do you think you're closing yourself off?" and he was like, "I only want you." He commiserated with Jordan. Jordan said he wanted to "kick Leo in the dick." Jordan and Grocery Joe giggling about Leo and Kendall doing a romance novel photo shoot was a fun moment. These guys have a good sense of humor!

Kendall felt like she was falling for Leo. Meanwhile, Leo went to the hot tub with Chelsea and made out with her. Joe was like "he doesn't even care about her and I'm here going through this." I don't like seeing Joe so sad! Grocery Joe would never describe himself as an "alpha," which Leo did. A man describing himself as an alpha male should disqualify him from being part of the dating pool. It's code for "I'm a very bad person."

And then Colton got his second date card of the season, which was terrible. Grocery Joe hasn't gotten one date! Why not send him on a date with Kendall and have her struggle over which man to choose? That would be compelling drama! Not more Colton-Tia dead horse beating! I was genuinely mad. Producers made a huge miscalculation in thinking people wanted this much Colton and Tia.

Then Raven, Tia's friend from home who referred her to the show and is therefore indirectly responsible for this whole horrible storyline, showed up and told Tia "he's just not that into you." UGH. If I were not professionally obligated to watch, I would have turned this episode off.

There was a little more where Colton asked her to be his girlfriend, but I'm too angry to describe it. Please, oh please, can this be it? It won't be, but at least give it a rest for a week.

Then Benoit from Bachelor Winter Games showed up. He's French Canadian and was briefly engaged to Clare Crawley. It's too late for him to make an impact on this show. Jordan thought his Converse-with-high-socks look was "tacky."

Jordan got really upset when Benoit asked Jenna on a date. Jordan's getting put through it.

But he mostly just seemed really defeated. Jenna and Benoit's date was cute. It was kind of interesting to hear Jenna say that her relationships never go past the surface level, because Jenna is clearly a very surface level, unserious person. Back at the resort, Jordan described Benoit as "Diet Coke French" because he's Canadian. Jenna and Benoit Lady and the Tramped a churro. And then she carried him.

When they got back, Jordan showed Jenna that he had written "I'm Sorry" really big in the sand. Jenna said she didn't know what choice she was going to make. Whatever. More of this, please:

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.