The Apprentice Oh, Sammy. We hardly...

The Apprentice
Oh, Sammy. We hardly knew ya'. Well, actually, we did. We just didn't like you. Nor did your Versacorp cohorts, apparently. Maybe it was because you were so weasely while managing the shopping project. Then again, it could have been that ridiculous cowboy hat. Needless to say, your firing was less of a surprise than the fact that Trump has one nightmare of a black-and-yellow couch in his lobby. As far as strategies go, though, I beg to differ with Katrina. Life isn't too short to be a bitch. Just look at Omarosa.

American Idol
You know, I tell my office administrator that her sweater makes her look, um, chesty, and I get in trouble. Simon calls some poor kid "musical food poisoning" and he gets to be on TV. What is wrong here?! The Houston auditions were as scary as the couch in Trump's lobby, made only slightly bearable by the out-of-nowhere fight between Randy and Paula. But I can understand their frustrations. After all, it was 26 minutes into the damn thing before we heard anyone carry a note, and even then, Sarah Silva went way too far on Etta James' "At Last." Thankfully, I now know what the lovechild of Clay Aiken and Liza Minelli would sound like without anyone having to get hurt.

The O.C.
See? I told you Oliver was no good! The wild hair, the curled lip. The parents we've never seen. The fake girlfriend. That kid is so freakish, it's almost too soapy. If there is such a thing. Oh, who am I kidding? There's no such thing as too much soap in the O.C., beeyatch! And that's why Seth needs to get with Summer, Ryan had to steal that letter from Marissa's locker, and Oliver must go. But don't let those ads for the next episode scare you Ollie fans. Emily Valentine almost torched the Walsh's parade float and still went on to have a normal life. This one will be just fine.

America's Next Top Model
Do I have to send back my college diploma now that I'm hooked on a show that spent an hour teaching wannabe fashion plates how to walk? Seriously. The remaining model-lets got a lesson in runway stalking from the oddly omnisexual J. Alexander and I sat here transfixed! And it's not that the ins and outs of the industry are so fascinating — I walk just fine, thank you — as it is the mix of clashing egos and diva hissies that completes me here. Girls, you're all pretty! Now, would someone please get Shandi a burger? I have resentments that weigh more that that girl!

The Bachelorette
I'm starting to think Meredith wasn't lying when she admitted to having bad taste in men last week. After all, this is a woman who was attracted to Bob Guiney, yet readily ditched arena-football stud Damon. That's just not right. Buddy, if you're out there, I know a certain TV Guide editor named Tracy who'd be more than willing to give you a rose without having to suffer through a group date.

Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica
Well, I guess it's only right that Season 2 opens with the couple in Atlantic City for their one-year anniversary, since they seem to be everywhere else. Except the charts, that is. Which is fine. As long as their careers are in the tank, we'll be free to revel in Jess' confusion over the ingredients of sausage and Nick's tight-wad act, which made his losing streak at the poker tables even harder to watch. I feel your pain, pal. The Trump Plaza got $60 of mine this past weekend. Hopefully, Donald will put it toward replacing his couch.

Celebrity Mole: Yucatan
Wow. I did not see Stephen Baldwin's execution coming. Not that I'm shedding any tears over his ouster. That D-lister wore out his welcome last season. Props to the producers for letting him and fellow returnee Corbin Bernsen take a powder so early in the game. Almost makes up for bringing them back in the first place. Plus, with those two gone, it's pretty much a toss-up between Keshia Knight Pulliam and Tracey Gold. And speaking of tossing up, if anyone's looking for a quick way to lose weight, check out Mark Curry's eating exemption-challenge. For a second, I thought I was watching outtakes from Next Top Model.

'Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave
So Baywatch knockout Carmen Electra and Jane's Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro now rate their own show. What's next? Bluelight Special: Me & The Hairy Checkout Lady? Turns out, they're not so bad. She's charming in that "I used to date Prince"-survivor kind of way and he's really soft-spoken for being tattooed within an inch of his life. Their hair, however, is another matter. The cutaway interview shots have her looking like Nina Blackwood from the days when MTV actually aired music videos and he's sporting an Amish-on-a-bender beard. This could be a deal breaker, folks. So unless one of your morgue-inspired, nude-photo wedding invites turns up in my mailbox soon, it won't take death to part us, you hear?