American Idol 8:02 Truth? I love...

American Idol
8:02 Truth? I love 'em both, but I had to go with Bo. OK, and Carrie. She'll probably win, but he's gonna get a deal anyway. I'm a finale geek, I know. And don't worry, I'm taping Lost, so even if this thing sucks air, all won't be, er... lost.
8:05 Oh, no. The Top 10 are slaughtering "Good Vibrations." Not a good sign. And they look like Kids, Incorporated on Red Bull.
8:06 It's so nice to see Ryan in men's clothing again.
8:07 Accck!!! Mikalah's on the red carpet! Run, Kirstie Alley! Hide, Marg Helgenberger! Save yourselves!
8:11 "Your results, coming up." Um, Ryan... that's not for another 109 minutes. Stop it.
8:15 Check out Season 2's LaToya London in Bo's Alabama hometown. Awww, good times, good times. She was so robbed.
8:17 Love Bogart on "Vehicle," but we heard this last night. Smoke break!
8:23 OK, what did I miss? Ooooh, it's last year's frat-boy troubadour, Matt Rogers, live from Carrie's Oklahoma 'hood. Hitting on the mayor. Nice.
8:26 Is it me, or did country girl just send "Angels Brought Me Here" straight to the rafters? Even better than Tuesday night. And no crack. Hmmm.
8:33 Time to visit the judges' green rooms. Uh-oh. Randy's working a black suit with white shoes. Ick. Paula's First Lady hair scares me. And Simon is showing way too much U.K. man chest. My eyes! My eyes!
8:42 - 8:49 More Southerners screaming with Matt and LaToya. I think Simon's right about LaToya being tipsy. Probably turned to booze after being robbed!
9:00 Finally, the real show starts. Pass the crackers, 'cause the cheese is coming!
9:03 And here it is... Bo and Carrie just dueted on "Up Where We Belong."
9:05 They both get brand-new Fords? Dayyyummm.
9:07 I think I have a crush on Carrie. How do I tell Vonzell?
9:10 More clips from bad auditions. Oh, well, time to scratch Pepito the Wonder Chihuahua's belly until he passes out.
9:11 Those two loser auditioners Adam and Dirk were invited to the show? What? And David Hasselhoff? Come on, Fox. We've given up like, 50 nights to watch this damn karaoke contest. You couldn't throw a brotha and his Mexican superhero dog a bone?
9:21 All right, the "Simon's Bad Judgment" report spoofing the Coreygate scandal was delicious. Randy cutting a song called "Dawgtics," the telltale items from Too-Tight Tees, Paula crying "He started rejecting me." All because of Cowell's sordid affair... with himself. If only Life on a Stick had been this funny.
9:32 All-Star Medley! The Idols with their idols. This should be... scary?
9:33 Ahhh, Carrie and Rascal Flatts on "God Bless the Broken Road." So far, so good. May need to download that one.
9:35 Anthony, Anwar and Kenny G doing "I Believe I Can Fly"? No, they can't. Sorry, guys.
8:23 Constantine, Nadia, Jessica and Kenny Wayne Shephard tackle "Walk This Way" and instantly, that Britney-Aerosmith Super Bowl mess is forgiven. At least Nadia looks fab.
9:39 Gotta say it, Scott, Nikko and George Benson's "On Broadway" ain't too shabby. And yes, Scott can sing. Nikko's cooler, though.
9:41 With Vonzell and Billy Preston, I'm born again. It's weird that I wanna have her baby. So's Preston's track suit. Thanks for dressing up, dude.
9:44 How the hell did Babyface get stuck with Mikalah and Lindsey? Did he lose a bet? Poor guy. Poor us.
9:45 Now this is what I'm talking about. Bo, Lynryd Skynryd, "Sweet Home Alabama." Someone go hug Babyface.
9:50 My ass is numb.
9:53 Last words from the judges and it's all blah, blah, blah. Read the results!
9:55 And the winner is... Carrie!!! Oh, my god, am I crying? How embarrassing. But look at Bo being so happy for her, too. He's my new idol. Not to mention Robin Honig's secret, imaginary lovah.
9:58 Oh, no... "I Want to Be Inside Your Heaven" will be her first single? I thought she just won? Man, now we all have a reason to cry. — Damian J. Holbrook

(Still want more American Idol? Watch Kimberly Caldwell and Rosanna Tavarez dish about Carrie's win tonight at 8 pm/ET on TV Guide Channel's Idol: The Final Showdown.

Lost
Hurley quietly stared at the pirate ship docked miles inland and asked, "How exactly does something like this happen?" And the crazy French lady glared and snidely replied, "Are you on the same island as I am?" It's about time, after more than a month, that someone start analyzing and talking about the wacky happenings on Mystery Island. And dude, if I were Hurley and saw those numbers, you couldn't have gotten me anywhere near that open hatch leading to Hell or Atlantis or some weird mummy dust or whatever. I would have taken off in the other direction as fast as my chubby legs would carry me. Though Hurley did have the best line of the night when he told Jack, "You've got some Arzt on you." Was anyone shocked that the know-it-all science guy was offed? He was totally expendable. But seriously, I did jump off my couch when he exploded; thank goodness for the instant replay feature on TiVo. Let's have a moment of rambling for the much-married geeky guy who taught us when to go sailing, exposed all the island cliques, instructed us about the touchy nature of nitroglycerin and griped about the fact that Jin doesn't catch fish for everyone. Too bad he sought a friendly ear in Jinx Boy, who in addition to the clever line, also had the best flashback of the night with his haphazard trip through the airport, which showed off more of the numbers, from the soccer jerseys, to the $1600 bucks he used to borrow some guy's scooter and the diminishing KPH of his car, which started at 15 and then dropped from 8 to 4. I'm very excited that I have more numbers to mull over during the summer hiatus, and if anyone had a nice TV and was able to tell what floor the elevator stopped on, let me know. 'K?

While Hurley and Kate were stuck in the middle of Jack and Locke's tension and testosterone-riddled discussion about whose life philosophy is better, potential concussions were all the rage on the other side of the land of the lost *#151 both at the hand of the aforementioned crazy French lady. First she knocked Claire out to steal her baby, and then she set a rock-filled trap that fell on Charlie's head. Good thing Sayid knew that gross trick to cauterize a wound with gunpowder and flames. I've learned so many cool science-y things tonight! Thank goodness little Turniphead, aka Aaron, was found by the happy hobbit and returned to his rightful mother. Just when I start to think that Rousseau really is just crazy, and there are no others; she's just manipulative and for some reason wants Claire's kid, freakin' J.J. Abrams and Co. blow my theories right out of the water with the motley crew of "others" who came after Walt. Now maybe I'm a bit slow on the uptake, or just fell victim to some clever misdirection, but I never saw that coming. Sharks, Captain Nemo, the scary cannibalistic squids that I saw on the Discovery channel? Sure all of those possibilities came to mind when I thought of the fate of the rafters, but never that the Others were really after Walt, or that they had a boat. And what do they want with the special boy and his powers to do things like translating those polar bears from Hugo's Spanish comic book into reality? That just can't be good. If Sawyer, Jin and Michael survive the long swim back to shore, I'm sure that the delinquent-turned-doting dad will search that massive (as he was quick to point out) island in search of his missing son. Hopefully he's not some sacrifice for the island's monster. Instead, let's leave that to Locke, who believes that it is his fate to be taken by the unseen creature. Maybe he's right, maybe he's not. At least he finally fessed up to killing Boone; his wackadoodle theories about fate might not fly in the real world, but on this insane island, you just never know. — Angel Cohn

Alias
What?!?! Holy s---! Around 10:55 p.m., I was getting the feeling that this was way too much closure for an Alias episode. Then I remembered: Irina had warned Vaughn to come clean with Sydney (a deviously placed loose thread). So I knew something was coming. But just when you had digested him saying, "Well, for starters, my name isn't Michael Vaughn..." Boom! Crash! That speeding vehicle comes flying out of nowhere. And now it's gonna be months and months before we find out what happened and what Vaughn's big secret is (and you just know we won't get any real answers until a sweeps period). That was awesome. Never relax when you watch Alias; never mind during the last five minutes of a thrilling season finale.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. So much happened: Zombies were blown away; Elena got shot in the head; a red-eyed Nadia went nutso; Sloane nearly killed his own daughter; Weiss and Marshall perfected their Russian and the fine art of blackmail; Irina and Jack actually kissed; and finally, the big red ball came tumblin' down (last phrase sung to the tune of that John Mellencamp song). Whew! They really jam-packed this milestone installment. Very satisfying, and, most important, I'll say something that I may not have expected back in, like, February or March: I can't wait for next season.

...And with that, it's time for me to say so long to the Watercooler at least until the fall (obviously, the column continues, just minus one contributor). It's been two seasons of rambling, smart-ass comments, late-night typing, semiconscious HTML coding and Aunt Judy references. Thanks to you for reading and watching along with me. — Danny Spiegel

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