[Warning: The following contains spoilers from Wednesday's episode of American Horror Story: Hotel. Read at your own risk!]
The Countess (Lady Gaga) arrives at the infamous estate in 1926 seeking Charles Montgomery's (Matt Ross) services. You see, The Countess - who was using the name Mrs. Johnson at the time - wished to get an abortion without the knowledge of her husband. (Mr. March, perhaps?) And though she claims to be only three weeks pregnant, The Countess' belly looks like she has The Rock and Vin Diesel shoved inside.
But Dr. Montgomery doesn't care whether or not a patient is in her third week or third trimester of pregnancy, and was like, "Cool. Let me cut that fetus out of you," no questions asked. And that's when things got really weird.
Dr. Montgomery performs the abortion without incident, only to discover the three-week-old fetus is actually alive (and extremely violent for a newborn). When The Countess wakes up from her sedated stupor, she greets this little bundle of failed abortion with a kiss, just like Charlie Kelly's mom probably did.
As we soon learn, this child is "the thing" in Room 33 that Iris referred to feeding way back in the pilot. And according to the I Hate The Countess Club, her son Bartholomew is the only thing she loves more than her blonde blood-sucking brood. So obviously, Ramona (Angela Bassett) shows up at The Cortez to kill the little bastard, as one does when you still aren't over a breakup 20 years later. One tiny hitch: when Ramona enters Room 33, Bartholomew gets the best of her, partially thanks to an oh-so-familiar red ball, and escapes in John's (Wes Bentley) suitcase.
It doesn't take long before John discovers the demon creature lurking around his house and attempts to gun down Bartholomew, a move which only serves to scare the living daylights out of Scarlett, whom the show finally remembered still exists.
But Scarlett's brief bout of parental attention doesn't last long. Alex (Chloe Sevigny) arrives at the house and quickly ships her daughter off to grandma's so that Alex can 1) Continue convincing John he's insane and generally ruining his life for no apparent reason 2) Return Bartholomew back to the Cortez and 3) Hang out with the only child she cares about, Holden. (Three words for Alex: Cold. As. Ice. Bonus fourth word: Bitch.)
Alex makes it back to the hotel in time so that The Countess never discovers the full extent of her son's little excursion outside Room 33. We then finally get to see Bartholomew's face, and I wish we never had:
But other than being pseudo-aborted at the Murder House, what is Bartholemew's connection to Season 1? Is he tied to Constance's unseen fourth child? Does he have any relation to the Infantata? Why the hell does he look like that?
Share your theories in the comments.
American Horror Story: Hotel airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on FX.