American Horror Story: Hotel Finally Reveals The Countess' Backstory

Welp, we finally know why the Countess (Lady Gaga) has a type. Wednesday's American Horror Story: Hotelfilled in some major gaps in the Countess' backstory, including why she likes her men tall, dark and handsome and how she wound up married to the psychotic Mr. March (Evan Peters).

Back in 1925, the Countess was just your average New York Italian film extra trying to make it in Hollywood when she gets invited back to movie star Valentino's bungalow at the Garden of Allah. Oh, and this is probably where we should mention that Valentino is played by Finn Wittrock, who also played the Countess' (recently deceased) present day lover Tristan Duffy.

Following some mild flirtation and terrible accents, Valentino introduces the Countess to his wife Natasha (Alexandra Daddario) and the trio begins tango-ing because, sure, why not? This naturally leads to a three-way and then a Big Love-esque ongoing relationship. At least until the Countess discovers Valentino has died while she's attending the opening party for the Hotel Cortez. She immediately attempts to commit suicide, but Mr. March saves her and decides he wants to keep her forever. The two soon wed, and the Countess' grief imbues in her a darkness equal to that of her murderous husband.

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But the Countess never forgets her true love and one day, while leaving a rose on Valentino's grave, she discovers the truth: Valentino is alive. As he and Natasha recount, Valentino was approached by German director F.W. Murnau who warns that the invention of talking pictures would kill the Gods and that Valentino should preserve his beauty by becoming infected with the ancient blood virus Morneau got from a mountain orgy. (If this makes no sense to you, don't worry: You're not missing anything. It's complete nonsense, even by Horror Storystandards).

Valentino and Natasha then promise to share their virus with the Countess and ask her to run away with them to live happily ever after for all eternity. She says yes, and there's a lot of happy crying and kissing, all while a heartbroken Mr. March eavesdrops on the reunion from the floor of the mausoleum below.

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Not one to twiddle his thumbs while his wife runs off to be with some bootleg vampires, Mr. March enacts his revenge by secretly sealing Valentino and Natasha within the walls of the Cortez. Of course, Mr. March would have been better off killing them, since when Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson) begins his renovations, the starving bloodsuckers get loose. And boy, are they pissed. But not as pissed as the Countess is when she finds out she's been living a few feet away from her dehydrated soul mate for decades.

What did you think of the Countess' backstory?