As this season of American Horror Storycomes to a close, we all know what that means: dead bodies everywhere! Wednesday's penultimate episode of Hotel didn't waste time before offing Donovan (Matt Bomer), who - if we're being completely honest - really didn't deserve to live after the way he destroyed Drake's "Hotline Bling" last episode.
Iris (Kathy Bates), however, doesn't share this sentiment and is horrified to discover she accidentally murdered her son during her and Liz's (Denis O'Hare) assassination attempt on the Countess (Lady Gaga). To make matters worse, in their haste to get Donovan outside the Cortez before dying, a wounded Countess is able to slink off to Sally (Sarah Paulson) for help.
While doing her best at playing doctor, Sally takes advantage of having a captive audience to explain just how deep her abandonment issues go. It turns out that in 1993, Sally was working as a songwriter for a couple when she took them to the Cortez to shoot up and have sex. But the bond of a drug-induced threesome wasn't good enough for Sally, who proceeded to sew the three of them together to stop the couple from ever leaving her. Unfortunately, the pair soon overdosed and Sally lay trapped between their corpses for two days until the Addiction Demon showed up. It took three days of torture at the demon's hand before she finally got the nerve to literally rip herself away from her dead friends and escape. Yeesh.
Back in present day, Sally begs the Countess never to leave her and to bring John (Wes Bentley) back to her. But before the Countess can do anything, she needs to be nursed back to health with virus-infected blood. Unfortunately, the only magic blood Sally can obtain on such short notice is from the Countess' children. The regal hotelier is forced to swallow all her maternal instincts and bleed her babies dry in the name of vengeance.
Meanwhile, Liz and Iris are doing anything they can to protect themselves from the Countess. Namely, they decide to let out Ramona (Angela Bassett), who isn't operating at full capacity after chowing down on all the infected children. Just after Iris and Liz promise to bring Ramona a fresh kill to help restore her health, in walks Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe). Yeah, that's right. Queenie from Coven has come to the Cortez to win big on Price Is Right thanks to a ticket enchanted by her Supreme.
But poor Queenie will never get the joy of being plucked from the audience by Drew Carey. As soon as she checks into her room, Ramona attacks the witch. But as Coven fans know, this strategy is absolutely useless against Queenie since every time Ramona hurts Queenie she only winds up hurting herself. However, before Queenie can finish the job by stabbing herself, Mr. March (Evan Peters) stabs her. Apparently ghost trumps witch in this game of supernatural Rock, Paper, Scissors because Queenie is gone before we know it.
As repayment for this mitzvah, Mr. March asks Ramona to simply kill the Countess on Cortez property so that she can be trapped with him for all eternity. This plan is fine by her and Ramona goes to meet the Countess to duke it out.
Before the two commence the battle of the century, the Countess does her best attempt at an apology. When that falls flat, she offers to give Ramona the Cortez in exchange for her life. When even that fails, the Countess falls back on her trusty stand-by: seduction. Ramona apparently still can't resist the Countess' monotone whisper and lets her ex go after one last roll in the hay.
But you'd have to be insane to think the Countess was going to survive this season. As the Countess arrogantly strolls out of her suite alive and victorious, she's quickly knocked down a peg or two when John ambushes her to finish off the 10 Commandment murders. Mr. March is thrilled by his protégé's success and decides to celebrate by organizing an elaborate 'welcome to the afterlife' dinner for the Countess.
This dinner soon goes awry when Ms. Evers (Mare Winningham) admits that she - not the Countess - turned Mr. March into the police. You see, she wanted them to die together so that Mr. March would see the depth of her love of him. Sadly, Mr. March is not swayed by her devotion and banishes the laundress from his presence. To Ms. Evers' credit, she takes the dismissal fairly well, saying that she actually feels free now that she doesn't have to wait on Mr. March and his "whore." Talk about a 180! Two seconds ago, this woman was literally on her knees begging Mr. March to love her. But whatever, this change of heart makes as much sense as anything else on this show.
What did you think of the episode?