Today's News: Our Take


TIME TO START BUYING GENERIC

A Colorado judge has ordered Don Johnson to behave like any other human being and pay his grocery bill. The former Miami Vice stud had been carrying a past-due balance of $5470 at Clark's Market. (Blimey! How many boxes of Rice Krispies can one person eat?!) In addition to settling his debt, Melanie Griffith's ex will have to pay the store interest and pony up for its court fees. How he'll do this, we can't imagine, though; despite his status as a former megastar, Johnson has filed for bankruptcy and even put his 17-acre ranch near Aspen up for sale. read more

MORE CASTING SURPRISES

This fall, Freddie Prinze Jr. will do two episodes of David E. Kelley's Practice spin-off, Boston Legal, Variety reports. He'll play the underachieving son of William Shatner's Denny Crane. ER's Elizabeth Mitchell will also guest-star as the loony ex-lover of James Spader's Alan Shore. Meanwhile, Aidan Quinn will appear in several episodes of NBC's Third Watch as a police lieutenant. read more

JUST COS

Later this month, Bill Cosby will meet with local leaders and authorities in Springfield, Mass., to help put together a rally against street violence. The comedian, whose son was murdered while changing a tire on an L.A. freeway in 1997, has a home just 50 miles outside of Springfield. read more

SUNDAYSix Feet Under Here I am...

SUNDAY

Six Feet Under
Here I am just about to write, "Hey, no death in the beginning!" But then Mr. Marshall pulls into Fisher & Diaz's driveway to die. Drives himself, which is no mean feat. Me, I figure I'll die in a car, too, but that has a lot more to do with the other L.A. drivers than with sound planning and good timing.

I definitely think Keith has the right idea in grabbing Celeste when she's freaking out, by the way. He just doesn't throttle long or hard enough. (Sorry, but the poor-little-rich-girl, road-is-lonely act doesn't get anywhere with me, sympathy-wise.)

Joe walks in on Brenda and Nate making out and says, "It's him. Your previous indiscretion." Well, you better hope so, pal.

As for Ruth leaving dinner burning in the oven, it could've been much worse. Last time I saw people do that on a screen, it ended up being a piece of Satan in the oven and they ended up piles of smoking read more

MEAN STREAK

Somewhere, you just know Hilary Duff is seething. At the Teen Choice Awards held yesterday, bodacious Mean Girls nice gal Lindsay Lohan won four statuettes, among them the coveted prize for Best Movie Hissy Fit. Other "victors" included Simon Cowell (Best Reality/Variety Jackass), American Wedding guest Seann William Scott (Best Movie Sleazebag) and The O.C.'s Mischa Barton (Female TV Breakout Star — from which, given her wooden acting, we can only deduce that kids thought they were voting for the actress most likely to get zits). Fox will broadcast the Paris and read more

THE JOKE THAT WOULDN'T DIE

Since Arnold Schwarzenegger apparently doesn't know when to quit, let's help him out, shall we? It's when you're ahead, dude! California's governor celebrated the state's hard-won budget deal by appearing on The Tonight Show and remaking the joke that got him in so much trouble in the first place. Playfully bragging about the new pact's popularity, he said, "Sixty percent of the Democrats have approved of it, 70 percent of the Republicans, and 100 percent of the girlie men." read more

YOU'RE HIRED! AND SO ARE YOU!

Matt Dillon has signed on to play the villain in Disney's Love Bug update, Herbie: Fully Loaded, opposite Lindsay Lohan; Mummy mommy Rachel Weisz has landed the female lead (because, really, the male lead would've been kind of a stretch) in Pi auteur Darren Aronofsky's sci-fi thriller, The Fountain, with Hugh Jackman; and Elizabeth Perkins has been plucked from obscurity to be Mary-Louise Parker's prickly foil in the proposed Showtime series Weeds, about a dope-dealing suburbanite. All this, and still, no one has come up with a showcase yet for Next Action Star man-diva Jared. C'mon, Hollywood... think! Think! read more

HOOKED

The presidential race may be heatin' up, and folks may be frettin' over terror alerts, but Dubya's gone fishin'. Tonight at 8 pm/ET, you can find the President on Fishing with Roland Martin on the Outdoor Life Network. Host Martin joins Bush at his Crawford, Tex., ranch, where they spent a day bass fishing on his 11-acre man-made lake. Must be nice. read more

I, RAPPER

Before the UK premiere of I, Robot, Will Smith and partner in rhyme DJ Jazzy Jeff performed an outdoor concert for about 3000 fans. Of those in attendance, we bet at least four left wondering whether, since the erstwhile Fresh Prince is now 35, he was almost ready to begin referring to himself as the Fresh King. read more

FUN, FUN, FUN

In still more music news, erstwhile Beach Boy Brian Wilson kicks off the American leg of his Smile tour on Sept. 30 in Minneapolis. For those of you who wouldn't know his daughter, Carnie Wilson, from Art Carney, Smile (a rerecorded version of which will be released on Sept. 28) is the "lost" B-Boys album that was supposed to serve as the follow-up to Pet Sounds. read more

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