Today's News: Our Take

Question: Yay! You have a new ...

Question: Yay! You have a new column! I'm so excited! I love your "Entertainment News" and read it every day religiously. In fact, I love you so much, that if I ever meet you, I promise to run into the nearest store and buy you a case of Diet Raspberry Snapple. The 12-pack! — Sara

Ausiello: Please remember to check the freshness date, Sara. After five months on the shelf, Diet Snapple tastes like it's made from the worst stuff on earth. Trust me when I say there's nothing more heinous than outdated Diet Raspberry Snapple. And this comes from someone who's seen the Center of the Universe pilot.

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Question: Your completely ...

Question: Your completely weird sense of humor cracks me up. Maybe you could get your own TV show? — Shanda

Ausiello: First off, Shanda, I loved, loved, loved you on America's Next Top Model. And about your question, from your lips to God's ears. And by God, I'm referring to... um, whoever ends up giving me my own TV show.

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Question: Does the Oscar ...

Question: Does the Oscar winner who passed on Joey happen to be Marisa Tomei? What do I get if I'm right? A date with Mariska maybe? — S.B.

Ausiello: Sorry, but Kari beat you to the punch. As a consolation prize, I can offer you brunch with B.D. Wong.

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NBC has found a final resting place for Last Comic Standing 3: Comedy Central. The cable network will air the ailing reality show's climax this Saturday at 8 pm/ET. Now, let's all observe a moment of silence for LCS. read more

CSI Star's Death Wish

Rory Cochrane may have shot himself in the foot before thieves put a bullet in his character's chest. Although CSI: Miami producers obliged his request to leave the show, there was a catch: He cannot do "any kind of television work — cable or otherwise" until 2008, he says, because he signed a six-year contract with the show.

The 31-year-old actor — who says he "couldn't really handle the grind anymore" — wasn't pleased with the way his character, Tim Speedle, was killed off in last month's season premiere. (He was fatally wounded when his gun malfunctioned during a shootout.) "It was lame," Cochrane says. "He got shot last year because of the same [gun malfunction]. It doesn't make sense. I mean, Speedle knows all these forensics things, and then he doesn't clean his gun?"

So has he committed career suicide? "Well, I never did TV before and I survived," says Cochrane, whose films include Dazed and read more


An angry Michael Jackson is calling on music networks far and wide to ban Eminem's new "Just Lose It" video, which mercilessly mocks the accused child molester. "Michael feels that Eminem has crossed the line," Jackson's rep told the New York Daily News. So far, only BET has agreed to yank the clip. read more


Hold on to your ice pick, folks: Someone has actually invested in Basic Instinct 2! Variety reports that Sharon Stone and Co. have secured financing for the $70-million sequel from German film fund IMF3. The next order of business: finding the perfect leading man to help steer the film into Razzie history. read more


Ralph Macchio has been cast in a TV show that, believe it or not, doesn't feature the words "Surreal" or "Life" in the title. According to Variety, the onetime Karate Kid will play himself in The Ralph Show, a new Fox comedy series that exec producer Todd Holland says will explore the "humorous and vaguely humiliating aspect of celebrity." I can't be sure, but I think he's referring to the headline of this story. read more


Lindsay Lohan will guest-star on a November sweeps episode of That '70s Show as — you guessed it — a love interest for her real-life sweetie, Wilmer Valderrama. In the episode, airing Nov. 17, Lohan plays Danielle, a new client at the local beauty salon where Fez (Valderrama) works as a shampoo boy. According to a Fox press release, "Fez consoles Danielle about her guy problems and she ends up finding comfort in more than just his wash-rinse-repeat skills. But the situation takes a hairy turn when Fez faces some stiff competition from Kelso (Ashton Kutcher)." Get it? Hairy turn. He's a shampoo boy.... It's a salon.... Hairy turn. read more

J.Lo Defends Gigli (Seriously!)

OK, so that butt-kisser James Lipton deemed Jennifer Lopez worthy of an Inside the Actors Studio appearance. But the rest of us know J.Lo more for her booty-shaking dance moves, addictively catchy pop songs and husband-juggling than for her acting prowess. Let's face it: The 35-year-old superstar was outta sight in Out of Sight, but she's since appeared in forgettable fluff like The Wedding Planner and the critically despised bomb Gigli. Still, rather than admit defeat, Razzie winner Lopez defends her performance in last year's most maligned flick.

"I don't look at Gigli the way I think the rest of the world looks at Gigli," Lopez says. "I gauge my success on whether or not I have done my job and how well I did it. For me, I consider that movie a success in that sense.

"I went in there with a certain amount of material that I could work with," she continues. "I did the best that I could. When I walk away from read more

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