Dear Sir or Madam, but probably Sir:
As a CEO of a multi-national corporation and/or beloved dictator of a small but oil-rich nation, you've undoubtedly felt the need to surround yourself with an awesome, handsome right-hand man. Your search is over. I am a natural fit for your right hand.
I, Barney Stinson, recognize that you are a man (or woman, I guess) with precious free time. You cannot afford to comb through ...
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Dear Santa,
As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been extra special good this year, even taking on some of your work load ... by stuffing as many stockings as I can. So it's with great admiration and what I'm sure is mutual respect that I humbly submit to you ...
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As society and culture has evolved, our ancient ancestors, the cavemen, have found themselves relegated to a punch line. No longer thought of as the bridge from past to present, today they're the wacky inhabitants of Bedrock, the elongated face of your car insurance, or a high school student who, upon de-thawing, attends Encino High with Pauly Shore and a hobbit.
But I say the time has come to give these Neanderthals (are they people? I'm not sure) their due. After all, they gave us the wheel. They gave us fire. And based on cave paintings found in Bulgaria over the weekend, they gave us: The Naked Man.
Primitive? Yes. While modern-day man may have more sophisticated means at his disposal to seduce a woman ...
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Everyone's talking about the newest, greatest, most awesomest holiday: Not A Father's Day. Finally men the world over who have experienced the miracle of not having any dependents can celebrate together the special joy of being Not a Father.
But how can you be sure this holiday is for you? It's simple. In fact, there's a good chance you're already Not a Father, but you'll want to consult the following frequently-asked questions first. (Check it out, after the jump.)
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Devoted blog readers,
At long last I have published The Bro Code — the final authority on acceptable behavior between and among dudes. The Bro Code definitively answers some of mankind's most profound dilemmas like "What happens if I accidentally brush against another Bro's junk?" and "How many pizzas should I order?" and "Can I sleep with a Bro's ex-girlfriend?" This life-saving document is now available ...
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When a friend gets engaged, there's only one appropriate response: PANIC. Engagement is often the gateway to marriage — the leading cause of monogamy. As a friend, it's incumbent upon you to prevent this calamity, but should the traditional methods of intervention (booze, strippers, more booze) come up empty, you may have to resort to a more personal and heartfelt tactic… reading him the most heartfelt of letters. Click inside to see what you should say to said bro.
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The fist-bump. One bro's way of telling another bro, "Clever joke," or, "Thanks for taking the heffer so I could get the hottie," or, "Don't worry, I won't tell your girlfriend/wife." It's essentially the only acceptable form of bro-to-bro contact with the obvious exception of the high five.
While the fist-bump has gained much notoriety in the past few years, its origins date back to the dawn of bro-kind. But one thing has withstood the test of time — don't ever put your fist down until it's been most properly bumped.
Can you match these points on the timeline with history's most momentous fist-bumps?
4.5 billion BC
3083 BC
220 BC
1517 AD
1522 AD
1792 AD
1947 AD
1968 AD
1969 AD
1985 AD
2008 AD
8383 AD
A) Eli Whitney fist-bumps cotton
B) God fist-bumps Adam
C) Rocky vs. Drago fist-bump before their fight in Rocky IV
D) Martin Luther fist-bumps his 95 theses onto the door of the church
E) Tommie Smith and John Carlos fist-bump atop the Olympic podium
F) Magellan sails around the world to fist-bump himself
G) Barack Obama fist-bumps his wife, Michelle
H) Hieroglyphics in Egypt depict a Pharaoh fist-bumping a cat
I) China builds the Great Wall to prevent the Mongolians from fist-bumping them into oblivion
J) Chuck Yeager breaks the sound/fist-bump barrier (Other guy's arm falls off; never done again)
K) Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin make the first space fist-bump
L) The first ever alien/Homo sapien fist-bump
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Neil Patrick Harris by Eric McCandless/Fox/CBS
Recently I had dinner with the most successful host in the history of television, Regis Philbin, and it got me thinking - if that crazy fella can do it, why can't Barney Stinson? After all, what qualities make a great host?
Personality v
Awesomeness vv
Good Looks vvv
Below are a few shows that I'd love to host. Let me know your favorite and I'll pitch it to Reeg the next time I see him at the gym.
IS SHE LEGAL?: 20 nubile vixens compete against each other in trivia, physical challenges, and pillow fights before one lucky guy chooses a girl and asks the judges: Is She Legal?
Location: International waters
Judges: A panel of law enforcement officers poised to arrest the contestant if he chooses poorly
Prize: Free lifetime legal counsel by the lawyer of your choice
Sponsor: Thailand Tourism Board
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Neil Patrick Harris as Barney on How I Met Your Mother by Monty Brinton/CBS
As you all know, I recently overcame a traumatic and life threatening experience. While I appreciate the "get well" cards, muffin baskets and boob-o-grams you've been so kind to send, many of you are under the impression that the 83 major and minor bone fractures (heh) were the most serious injuries I suffered. False. All the time I was fighting a far more insidious and debilitating condition. Feelings.
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Thweers bwwn an accieernht. Ok thus isn't wirkuing/Hello, I'm Bill, a nurse here at St. Anthony's. Patient Stinson here asked me to type this stupid blog for him because he's suffered severe injuries to over 83 percent of his body. He says he'll pay me quite handsomely and judging by the stack of hundreds I found in the suit we cut off him, I believe him. So here goes."Barnacles, when you find yourself in pursuit of the ladies, you may be forced to don a disguise of a less awesome nature, such as a full body cast. Now…"Hold on. What the hell is a Barnacle? And are you saying you wear a costume when you're trying to pick up chicks?uM. yeAh.Why?oT gEt therm tro go home wiyth me.That's kind of pathetic, no? Seems to me you'd look like a damn fool wearing a costume in the middle of the club. Don't people laugh at you?NoSure they don't.Tey dwont!Why don't you just be honest about yourself and tell a woman she looks beautiful? Usually works for me, and I empty bedpans for a living.Wr...
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