So the only mystery I've cracked here is what Tom Cruise's cousin, William Mapother, is doing on the island as creepy Ethan. Turns out J.J. Abrams is directing Mission: Impossible 3. And all that tells me is that nepotism reaches as far as 3000 miles off of Fiji. What I want to know is why he wasn't on the plane's manifest in the first place, what he wants with Claire's baby and why she would turn down $20 grand from a nice adoptive couple, only to accept her nutjob psychic's $12,000 bid to give the kid to some nonexistent family in L.A. Girl needs to get herself a calculator. And a clue, giving little Charlie the hand like that. As for this week's clues, aside from the daddy issues that put Claire on par with Jack, Sun, Walt, Sawyer and Kate, I'm picking up some more literary hints. Ethan's last name? Rom. Sounds like? Ethan Frome. Hurley's real name? Hugo. As in Victor. Which pretty much means... yeah. I still got nothin'.
Question: For the record, I think your column is hilarious! All those naysayers should get a life. By the way, what do you think of the new season of Amazing Race? Robyn
Ausiello: I missed last week's episode because my TiVo broke down, but I loved the premiere. Lots of crazies this time around, most notably Jonathan. That nutjob makes Colin look like Rupert from Survivor.
Question: What did you think of Matthew Perry on Scrubs last week? Heather
Ausiello: He was fine, but I felt the episode was the weakest of the season so far writing-wise. Of course, this season has been consistently brilliant, so those are high standards to live up to.
Question: Your last name is my last name, too! Are you related to me? Leigh
Ausiello: Possibly. How big's your head?
Question: Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving! Did you go out shopping on Black Friday? Jess Kennedy
Ausiello: Sort of. I was actually looking forward to sleeping in, but at 6 am I got a prank phone call from some ignoramus pretending to be Darth Vader. Unable to get back to sleep, I went to the office to retrieve a huge stash of re-gifts I had been storing under my desk for the past eight months. Speaking of which, if anyone wants a Christmas with the Kranks Advent calendar or a deck of Playing It Straight cards, lemme know.
Question: Do you put every question that you get in your column? Kate
Ausiello: Hardly. There ain't enough room in cyberspace for me to run every "Ask Ausiello" question/comment I receive. In fact, last week I logged a record-shattering 235 messages. Granted, half of those were either death threats and/or corrections to He-man's convoluted family tree, but I digress...
Question: Can we chat about Desperate Housewives? Wasn't it painfully obvious that Mrs. Huber was gonna get whacked? Also, is it just me or are some of these story lines just getting too, well, dumb? And yes, I'm talking about Susan falling through Mike's floor. Fatima
Ausiello: Yeah, with each passing week this show becomes more and more preposterous. Susan's fall through Mike's floor was certainly one example, but Mike's aw-shucks reaction to finding his girlfriend hanging from his cracked ceiling marked a new, ludicrous low. Also, can someone please explain to me why Bree would go to all the trouble of concealing her son's hit-and-run accident, only to suggest he spill all the sordid details to a shrink not to mention attend a tea party with the son of the woman he ran over!? And don't even get me started on Lynette's umpteenth breakdown or her decision to hide from the world by plopping herself in the middle of a friggin' soccer field. S
Question: How was your Thanksgiving? Susan
Ausiello: It was a mixed bag. We ate dinner at Charlie Brown's and had the worst service ever. We were seated promptly at 4 o'clock and our catastrophe waitress immediately started complaining about her long day (she started work at noon). Plus, she couldn't get me a Diet Coke refill to save her life and didn't laugh when my grandmother asked her if her name was "Ask Me About Our Gift Certificates!" On the bright side, the salad bar was slammin' and the pepper-crusted salmon rocked my world, so it wasn't a total loss.
Question: Has the character of Bosco on Third Watch been written out for good? Mary Ann
Ausiello: Nope, he's sticking around although he'll be laid up in a hospital bed for the near future.
Question: You can't use "Open Mike" as the new title of your column in TV Guide magazine ("Ask Ausiello" 11/24)! That's the name of a really-horrible-Canadian-rip-off of Leno that got axed a few years ago. Jane
Ausiello: The TV Guide brass ultimately went in a different direction anyway. The big reveal should hit newsstands in about two weeks.