My Wife and Kids
Bill Cosby, call your lawyer. I swear, this show is totally stealing plots from the Huxtable vaults, this time with Junior moving out to prove his independence. But instead of Rudy dressed like Theo's elderly landlord, we've got Damon Wayans Jr. dressed as the kid's lease-signing granny. And instead of laughing, we made out with our chihuahua, Pepito. At least I did.

Really, Carol. Bangs? There's a lot I can take, but that look only works in Whitesnake videos and small-town checkout lines. And though I adore the idea of Ed and his gal eloping, the writers are damn lucky they're giving us a wedding. Three years we've waited for these two to seal the deal, OK? Don't mess with us. There's a little thing called American Idol coming up very soon and you don't want to be making enemies now, ya hear?

The Simple Life
So, Nicole Richie can't hold her booze or bleach, huh? Trashing that pool table in the honky-tonk bar is a prime reason kids of privilege should stay in rehab longer than everyone else. Apparently, her little meltdown is why she and Paris had to leave town earlier than Fox had planned, but it's probably for the best. Arkansas has barely lived down Bill Clinton. No need to add "lynching the rich" to the list, too.

P.S. Girls, the fur gas-station gear? Very Cruella. Maybe you could have someone teach you how to read you those PETA pamphlets.

The O.C.
And the award for quote of the night goes to... Seth Cohen! "Luke has a gay dad" is officially my new mantra for anyone who annoys me. And speaking of, Oliver Trask needs to go. I don't care if he does know the band Rooney, there is no way that stoner needle-neck snowboarded the Alps. Marissa had better wise up before she falls for one of his lines and ruins things with the best thing to happen to wife-beaters since Stanley Kowalski. As for The Golden Girl references, yes, Summer, you are Blanche. And for your information, Anna, we can all relate to that bunch of 70-year-olds, hon.

Life After Extreme Makeover
A grand idea, really, but let's face it. It's all about the reveals. Except for maybe the Kansas guy who ended up looking like John Waters. Which, by the by, is a look that goes up there with Carol Vessey's bangs. I'll admit, there were a few teary moments in this "whatever happened to?" special, but mostly I felt envy. I can't even get my insurance company to pay for massages and these folks are getting free new faces from ABC. So what if they're ugly. My shoulders hurt!

Celebrity Mole: Yucatan
I figured Pepito would groove to this Mexican spin on last season's sub-lebrity saboteur series, since it's set in Chihuahua central, but I think freaky Stephen Baldwin scared the little guy. Though 'Pito wasn't the only one howling here. I am hooked. Corbin Bernsen takes it all so seriously, Tracey Gold is too cute and Angie Everhart skinny-dips at the drop of a hat. It's classic! So what if these people aren't really stars anymore. At least they're not nobodies desperately trying to become famous (Bob Guiney says what?). But could someone give Ananda Lewis a hug. Poor girl got booted faster than her old talk show. That's gotta suck.

The Craft
This late '90s teen-witch horror flick stands out in my mind for two reasons. First, it marks the point when Fairuza Balk obviously went over the edge and committed herself to playing skanks who wear too much eyeliner. And second, because I had the best time seeing this in the theater with TV GUIDE sports guy Paul Wolfe, who was obsessed with the damn thing. Years later, I finally realize why: Neve Campbell in a school-girl uniform. 'Nuff said.