Traffic: Part 1 Not to be a champion of the Ignorance is Bliss Club, but... I don't want to know that opportunistic Americans, like the DEA agent played by Elias Koteas, are setting up opium trafficking rings in Afghanistan. That kind of knowledge hurts my patriotic soul. And, in these post-September 11 days, I especially don't want to know that — while TSA agents make me do everything but give blood before I can board a plane to go see my mama — some American fishermen are helping black market travel agents ship freight cars full of illegal immigrants into the country. All willy nilly. Just like that. Welcome to America, y'all. For this reason, and this reason alone, USA's brilliant three-part series about the non-vehicular traffic crossing our supposedly secure borders just about sent me over the edge. For real. I don't want to know that people die trying to get in this country. I don't. And I don't want to feel sad or guilty about it, either. Especially when a) I can't do anything about it, and, b) I didn't ask them to come in the first damn place! Shoot.

Traffic's got me all mad and stuff and this is just Part 1. I'm afraid of Part 2. File this under: Unpatriotic Acts I Wish I Could Ignore.Everwood File this one under: Sweet but unrealistic melodrama. Why? Because there are a few things that were just too, way out there like....1. Madison, a 20-year-old female college student dating, Ephram, a 16-year-old high school boy.2. Ephram and 'em sitting outside doing their homework in the snow. I know it was their lunch break and this is a mountain town, but still.3. Cheerleaders cheering at a wrestling meet. I know it was a "regional" event but it still this did not compute. Was this the junior varsity squad? A freshman squad. What?4. Dr. Brown being more worried about taking things to the next level with HIV-positive Linda than he is about sleeping with her. This is not Queer As Folk, so they did not have to go the PC route. Even in these modern times, a doctor would still be a bit worried about catching the virus during close sexual contact. Have him say it. Be real for once.

You Got Served: The Commercial?
File this one under: Get it, get it! Get it, get it! First, we got The Company. Then Bring it On Again went straight-to-DVD. Now this? Ah, yeah. As far as dance movies go, 2004 is off to a great start. And if You Got Served's battles are anything like that one scene in Bring It On Again where this b-boy tries out for the squad and he does these moves that make you go, "What?!" it will definitely be worth the matinee ticket price. (Emphasis on "matinee" because few movies are actually worth full price. OK? A girl's got a budget.)

Las Vegas Apparently, a full moon coupled with a blackout leads to the cheesiest Las Vegas episode ever. File this under: Trash.American Chopper File this under: Guy Things I Don't Understand. "Oh, she's a beaut!" Paul Sr. gushed as he held up a pipe that he and Mike have just sawed in half to make accent pieces for the handlebars. He expressed similar sentiments when the POW-MIA bike's leather seat arrived. And when they lowered the fully assembled but unpainted motorcycle to the floor. Now the finished bike was magnificent. A work of modern art, I agree. But the naked metal pieces... Yeah... um, I just didn't see it. Guess that's why I'm not dating a mechanic. Huh?Average Joe: Hawaii Tonight's episode was relatively, Larissa-free. It was also cruel — but in a good way. So, of course, I was all over it. The jocks vs. geeks: Now we're talking. That's some good stuff right there. And how proud am I of the geek boys? They are not letting this go without a fight. And I agree with them, the "super studs" were like cyborgs. But watching those pretty boys fly up the ropes — pulling, muscled arm over muscled arm — without using their legs... well, that was just hot. I'm not even gonna lie. That was straight-up sexy. But, that doesn't mean I don't want to see each and every one of those guys get voted off. I mean, did you see them on their personality-free solo dates with the she-devil who will not be named? They all had the same conversation with her. "You're hot. I'm hot. So what now?" It was ridiculous. Also ridiculous, that David D. had the best self-esteem of all the guys in the geek group. Come on, fellas. Pull it together! File this under: Good reality TV.