The Tracy Morgan Show
And the award for Most Inappropriate Use of "Brick House" goes to... The Tracy Morgan Show! Seriously, what were the producers thinking playing that tune — which runs a close second to "Sexy M.F." as the Least Subtle Song Ever — while Tracy and his two sons ogle a 13-year-old girl? Have we learned nothing from the Michael Jackson saga? I do have to say that watching this sitcom made me appreciate the child actors on The Bernie Mac Show all the more. At least when they act annoying, it's on purpose. As for Tracy Morgan himself, he seems to be channeling George Jefferson by way of George Lopez. Yeah, I don't think that's a good combination either.

A Charlie Brown Christmas
Linus may be a twerp sometimes, but he's a perceptive twerp (must be the dope he keeps stashed away in that "security blanket"). His speech about the true meaning of Christmas always warms the heart, and I don't even celebrate the dang holiday! You know, cartoons may have become more sophisticated since 1965, but this one has something all the new ones don't. I'm talking, of course, about the Snoopy Dance. So as a tribute to the late, great Charles Schulz, I ask everyone to stand up and join me in a rendition of this immortal dance. It's easy to learn — just jog in place and flap your arms wildly about. Do this often enough and you'll be able to skip the gym after work.

The Simple Life
The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that Fox is the real culprit behind the whole SexTapeGate thing. After all, two months ago, who — outside of the most dedicated US Weekly reader — knew (or cared) who Paris Hilton was? But now, thanks to a certain underlit demo reel, she's the most notorious person on television (even beating out that idiot Jon on Survivor: Pearl Islands). You can't buy that kind of publicity. And how can anyone resist tuning in to watch this wealthy ditz receive her comeuppance at the hands of us regular folk? To be fair, Paris comes across as a friendly — if hugely ignorant — person. I have a hard time believing that she's never heard of Wal-Mart, but then again she probably hasn't spent much time outside of her 90210 zip code. I'm also not quite sure how the image of Nicole Richie sticking her hand up a cow's butt is supposed to entice me to watch more episodes of this decidedly unreal "reality" show. I'm more curious to see if the girls actually follow through on their threat to have a threesome with their host family's 15-year-old son. Bet Paris wishes she could take that moment back....

Honey trailer
I predict that, in the not-too-distant future (like, say, January), HBO will devote a day to airing nothing but back-to-back presentations of Glitter and Honey. Then at midnight, Mariah Carey and Jessica Alba will be thrown in the stockades and pelted with tomatoes, eggs and other assorted foodstuffs. Forget the return of The Sopranosthis would be the highest-rated event in HBO's history.

Whoops, it looks like everyone's favorite blonde airhead is in trouble again (no, a new Paris video hasn't surfaced... at least not yet). And Kim thought she'd be safe from potential kidnappers (not to mention hungry cougars) by joining CTU. I am surprised that it took someone this long to stumble upon Gael's treachery. It's not like he was hiding in the bowels of the building or anything. Aren't these people supposed to be pros at catching spies, especially after what happened with Nina? My favorite thing about this episode was learning that bad guy Hector Salazar uses the same cell phone I do. And if that isn't a ringing endorsement (Ha, ringing! Get it? Yeah, I see you laughing...) I don't know what is. Speaking of advertisements, how much cooler would it have been if the Dell Guy had been cast as Kyle Singer? He could go around telling everyone "Dude, you're getting a virus!" And then Jack could shoot him.

Line of Fire
Hey look, Teri Bauer (a.k.a Leslie Hope) is back from the dead! I guess wives of perpetually exhausted counter-terrorism experts don't really die, they just become FBI agents. At least her new character gets to sleep more often than Teri did, although she still has to mother an annoying younger woman (played by former Popular star Leslie Bibb). I have to admit that I'm not completely sold on the idea of David Paymer playing Tony Soprano. Paymer's a good actor, no question, but I look at him and I still see the nerdy dad from Carpool. And yes, I realize that I'm probably the only person in America who remembers that 1996 Tom Arnold epic. You wanna make something of it?

Daniel R. Coleridge is on vacation. Today's column was written by Ethan Alter.