Our top moments of the week:
13. Kiss and Tell Award: Talk about airing your dirty laundry on television. When Vienna and Kasey get into a little lovers' quarrel on Bachelor Pad (he wants to have sex; she doesn't), he decides to prove that Vienna isn't shy about getting into bed by name-dropping her previous conquests. Including Wes and Dave Good. To her face. Both guys denied it, of course, but who wouldn't?
12. Worst Athletic Display: Playing with your daughters? Good. Playing with your daughters after you've been drinking? Not so much. Joe Giudice takes things a little too far on The Real Housewives of New Jersey when he tries to show up his daughter and flaunt his gymnastics skills ("I'm a professional," he says) shortly after polishing off a glass of red wine. He aims for a simple roll on the mat, but winds up rolling onto the marble floor and chipping his tooth. "When my husband drinks, things get a little out of control," Teresa explains to the camera. You're telling us?
11. Gone Baby Gone Award: Sloane tells Eric she could never be with him again when he comes to apologize to her on the penultimate episode of Entourage. Unfortunately, the most heartbreaking news isn't that she won't take him back, but that she's pregnant and plans to move to New York with their unborn child and still wants nothing to do with him. Sloane moving to Eric's hometown with their yet-to-be-born baby? It makes us wonder where the show is headed in the series finale.
10. Least Romantic Proposal: When you find out your girlfriend was previously married the most logical thing to do next is to quickly propose to her, obviously. And that's exactly what Kris Humphries does on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, spelling out "Will you marry me?" in rose petals on Kim's bedroom floor. Naturally, she doesn't say "yes" until she sees the gigantic $2 million rock. After the missing $75,000 earring debacle, is anyone surprised by this?
9. Best Freak-out: Donna Martin graduates! And Donna Martin visits the Big Brother house! Adam completely loses his mind and makes a noise akin to a bear giving birth when his idol Tori Spelling walks into the pad. She kisses his cheek and his blow-up duck ("Oh my God, my duck is so lucky. Tori Spelling kissed my duck."), and he nails some Donna trivia. But then he feels the need to share that he once called his girlfriend "Donna" in bed. As Daniele would say, "Awk-ward!" You know Spelling's totally working on a restraining order right now.
8. Most Romantic Proposal: Sons of Anarchy's fourth season picks up with the members of SAMCRO coming home after 14 months in prison. Jax has only one thing on his mind: marrying Tara and getting her and his two sons out of Charming for good. He surprises Tara when he delivers the ring via toddler Thomas' finger, and she happily accepts after he maps out his exit strategy. Geez, up until Big Otto slammed a scalpel into another inmate's ear, we were beginning to forget this show was about outlaws!
7. Best Origin Story: On Breaking Bad, we finally learn the backstory of Gus' hostility toward the cartel in an tense and taut all-Spanish flashback between him, his "pollo hermano" Max, Hector, Juan Bolsa and Don Eladio in circa 1980s Mexico. Nervous, youthful and full of hope in their Los Pollos Hermanos upstart, Gus and Max had been cooking meth on the side and want to partner up with the cartel. But Don Eladio cannot approve of their underground shenanigans and in a fake-out, Max gets shot in the head while Gus is forced to watch his lifeless partner bleed out into a pool. And that's how Gus became the ruthless meth kingpin/chicken man of the Southwest.
6. Classiest Reality Check: We're still not sure how we feel hearing about Taylor and Russell Armstrong's marital therapy just weeks after his suicide, but The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills handles Russell's suicide in a surprisingly tasteful manner on the season premiere. Rather than just push the issue under the rug, the reality series devotes the first several minutes to showing the cast's reaction to his death and compassion for Taylor. If only every piece of drama was handled with such elegance and restraint ... well, they probably wouldn't have a show anymore.
5. Worst Takedown? Forcibly separated from Antonia by big bad brujo Jesus, Marnie is shot in the head by Bill and goes down. Is that really all ya got this season True Blood? 'Course not. Granted, Marnie has yet to begin to approach the horrifying heights of previous villains like Maryann (Michelle Forbes) and The King (Denis O'Hare), but she's not down for the count. With her spirit — surprise! — invading poor invade-able Lafayette, it looks like her worst is yet to come.
4. Best Tribute: Not a dry eye is left in the house when Jimmy Kimmel pays an emotional, heartfelt and hilarious tribute to his Uncle Frank, who died two weeks ago. "Listen, I'm gonna try to do this without crying, but I'm probably gonna fail," he says. The tears do come as Kimmel recounts stories of Uncle Frank and shares old photos and recordings, along with a montage of his greatest hits. "Uncle Frank loved being a part of this show," Kimmel says. "I wanna say thanks to my coworkers who talked to him and visited him and picked him up 12 hours early for work. He loved you. And thanks to all of you who came to the show and watched, for indulging me and letting me put my crazy uncle on television."
3. Worst Freak-out: And here we thought Donald Trump had bad pizza etiquette. Kate Gosselin rips her babysitter, Ashley, a new one on Kate Plus 8 for giving pizza to her kids instead of saving a slice for Kate's bodyguard, Steve. "He reserved it last night," she says. (Uh, what?) Things escalate when Mady dares to hand over the last slice to Steve with her bare hands, causing germa-phobe Kate to flip out even more and Ashley to quit (you go, Ash!). All of that, of course, makes Kate the perfect candidate for Anderson Cooper's "RidicuList" segment, in which he cautions the now reality show-less mom: "If you somehow, against all odds, find a woman who's willing to help you take eight kids on a cross-country road trip, for goodness sakes, let her divide the pizza any way she wants." Amen.
2. Funniest Send-Off: Sure there was death (R.I.P, Lou!) and drama, but most of the tears provoked by Rescue Me's series finale are tears of laughter. While taking Lou's ashes to be spread, Mike and Garrity attempt to sneak a peek at Lou's remains right when Franco and Black Shawn roll down their windows to spit out their gum as Tommy demands. The result: Everyone is covered in Lou. Despite Garrity's best efforts to shake ash out of his nether regions, the boys eventually have to supplement the ashes with red velvet cake mix. But as Ghost Lou tells Tommy in the episode's hopeful closing moments, that's actually pretty fitting.
1. Best Joy Ride: When Larry learns his shaky passenger seat is able to, um, rev up a woman's engine on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Susie is the absolute last person he wants riding shotgun. So of course Susie forces Larry into giving her a ride and, boy, does he deliver. Larry tries to drive slowly to prevent the inevitable, but no such luck. Susie's loud, gasping pants and bug eyes are matched only by Larry's gagging and look of horror as he tries to close his eyes, cover his ears and stick his tongue out all at the same time. We're guessing that wasn't nearly as good for him as it was for us.
What were your top moments?