This week on The Bachelor, Heather had the first kiss of her entire life, and Colton Underwood realized they were both finally ready to get married. Lol j/k. They showed footage of her brushing her teeth. It was all a big joke!

Heather got the first date of the episode, and she and Colton took a longtail boat around to the rock formations in the beautiful blue Andaman Sea. If you're gonna have a first kiss, Thailand is a good place to get it. Heather, 23, would like you to know that she's come close to kissing people before, but she never went through with it. Meanwhile, back at the house, Elyse — who went on a 1-on-1 a few weeks ago — started to despair about the state of her relationship with Colton. This previewed the meltdown that was going to come later in the episode.

Heather and Colton blew kisses at monkeys on their date. And the camera focused really hard on their mouths while they were eating. (Yes, the show actually showed them eating, which almost never happens during dates! They even ate ice cream!) Then they sat on a dock and had a brain-hurtingly mundane conversation when they should have just been making out, but they didn't kiss. Then during dinner, Heather talked about how she dated a dude for eight months and didn't kiss him, which makes me want to scream just hearing it. That guy's going to be made a saint someday. Saint Trevor of Carlsbad.

Colton gave Heather a rose. Still no kiss. They went for a walk on the beach to a little bonfire. By this point, I was chanting "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" And then there were fireworks, and then and only then — he went for it. "I have kissed a boy," she said in her interview right after it happened. "Literally, there were fireworks." It was cute. She had her first kiss with a guy who will certainly dump her in about two weeks, but it'll still probably be a good memory for her.

When Heather was telling the other girls about what happened, Elyse started to freak out. She got up and stormed out into the night in her "statement dress." Sydney said she looked really good. She was up to something, methinks.

She went and talked to Colton, but I wasn't paying attention because my podcast producer Aliza Sessler texted me to tell me Bekah Martinez had a baby! Awww, congratulations Bekah and Grayson!

Anyway, Elyse doesn't understand how the show works. When you go to the lead and tell him it's not working for you in Week 5, he's not going to say "F--- it, let's call the show off and elope right now." Bye, Elyse! See you in Paradise!

For the group date, they went into the jungle. They ate bugs. Well, not everyone ate bugs. Just Hannah B. ate a bug. She didn't even have to eat a bug. A snake peed on Colton. Now they know how to survive in the jungle. They were split into teams and tasked with bringing back food (bugs) and water. And while Colton and some other girls were digging for grubs, the Hannahs and Demi bailed and went to the bar. Brilliant. Nicole and Katie spied Nicole and Tayshia making out in the jungle, which made Nicole very jealous. The Hannahs and Demi brought back burgers. They lost, but they won.

Also shoutout to Kirpa's chin Band-Aid. Very strong move to keep it on for the entire episode.

During the cocktail party portion of the date, Tayshia and Colton snuck off to kiss on the beach. He likes Tayshia! Hannah B. told Colton that she thinks she'd survive a zombie apocalypse because she's a really, really intense person, and also that she's falling in love with him. Meanwhile, Onyeka pulled Demi aside and decided she was gonna tear Nicole down. Before she left, Elyse apparently told Onyeka something scandalous about Nicole, and now Onyeka has to tell Colton.

Elyse told Onyeka that Nicole said she was on the show so that she had an opportunity to "leave Miami." Colton did that stressed-out face he does, and then he went and got Nicole. She said she was there for the right reasons, and Tayshia backed that up when Onyeka told the girls what she told Colton. Tayshia witnessed the conversation and claimed Nicole said she said something about taking opportunities when they're presented, which is not the same thing. Confronted with the truth, Onyeka was like, "Whatever, Nicole cries every day." Hannah B. got the group date rose.

Then it was time for Cassie's date. Cassie, Tayshia and Hannah G. seem like the only girls Colton is really attracted to. He and Cassie made out a lot on this date. They went to a private island. There was nothing on the island — it was just a patch of sand — but it was their island. To make out on. Back at the hotel, the other girls were talking about how obviously into Cassie Colton is. Meanwhile, Cassie and Colton were making out hardcore on their lil' private island.

During dinner, Cassie started to talk about how she's not a virgin. She was nervous and inarticulate until she disclosed that members of her family and her religious community might judge her for not being a virgin. I'm tired of this. Go back to making out! And they did. They cuddled up in the bed in Colton's hotel room. Intimate! "I just want you to know I'm crazy about you," he said. Final 2 LOCKED.

The rose ceremony cocktail party was tense because of Onyeka and Nicole. Tayshia got more special time with Colton, this time with a prop! They floated a paper lantern with a candle inside over the beach. Tayshia literally did not exist until last week, but now she's a frontrunner. Demi gave Colton trust rings, and Colton said, "I really appreciate that" in a way that did not feel genuine. Kirpa, a dental hygienist, flossed his teeth, which is a night one move. Kirpa got eliminated for a reason. Nicole defended herself some more and said that Onyeka has been bullying and belittling her the whole season. Leave my girl Nicole alone! Colton pulled Onyeka next and was like, "I like you, but this Nicole stuff concerns me." Onyeka rolled her eyes into next week. "She's not a good person," Onyeka said, sealing her fate. Using your limited time with the lead to talk badly about someone else is like going into the spooky murder house in a horror movie.

Onyeka went to Nicole and was like, "When have I ever called you mentally unstable?" Nicole: "Emotionally unstable." Lol. Look, Nicole cries a lot, but she's not a bully who spreads rumors and calls people "emotionally unstable." Colton could hear them fighting while he was trying to talk to Katie, and it was distracting, so he went over to observe them. Like a referee. Like the U.N. Hilarious. He did his patented stress face. He tried to get a word in, and he couldn't, so he walked off, saying, "I need some time alone." He took a little walk on the beach to clear his mind. "I'm over it," he said. And then...TO BE CONTINUED!

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. It's available to stream on Hulu.