The Bachelor reconvened Peter Weber's castoffs for the annual shouting match known as The Women Tell All. This one was less miserable than usual, and moved along pretty quickly. Having the rose ceremony take up the first 25 minutes and a PSA take up the last 15 kept the show on track. It was pretty light on WTA content, wasn't it? It moved quickly to try to hide that it was, in fact, kinda wack. If I had three Bachelor wishes, my first would be to make certain fans stop being racist. My second would be no more Tell Alls. My third would be Nick Viall gets to be the Bachelor again.
The show began by throwing it back to Australia for that rose ceremony left over from last week. Peter had three women -- Hannah Ann, Madi, and Victoria F. -- and only two roses. He talked to Chris Harrison about how he didn't know what he was going to do. He was in love with three women, and he felt like he didn't handle his conversation with Madi well, and he was worried she wouldn't even show up. And at first she didn't. Peter arrived at the site of the ceremony and found only Hannah Ann and Victoria.
After a long, tense commercial break, Madi finally appeared. She told Chris Harrison she wasn't doing great. Before she was falling in love Peter, and now she's not so sure. Peter stepped up to the platform literally shaking. He was so upset that he could barely get his words out. It was tearing him up inside that he was about to hurt someone he cared about. Even though Peter has been an underwhelming Bachelor, you had to feel for the guy.
He gave the first rose to Hannah Ann and the second to Madison. Madison stepped across the platform to him, and he asked her if she would accept the rose. There was no guarantee that she would, and her face was not happy. But she finally said "Yeah," and when they hugged, Peter's mic picked up his heart pounding out of his chest. It was so intense that even Hannah Ann was crying empathetically -- or was it empathetically?
He sat Victoria down, and told her he was falling in love with her, but he was farther along in the other relationships. Victoria didn't want him to comfort her. "I don't know what to say," she said. "It is what it is." She didn't give away that she was relieved, but she's gotta be relieved, right? She wasn't that into Peter!
Back on the platform, the three remaining lovers had a champagne toast. "Here's hoping love conquers all," Madi said.
Then it was time for The Women Tell All! Kelley didn't show up! I guess she's done with this crazy show and wants to go back to her normal life. Or she has a boyfriend. This special taped about a week ago, and she hasn't posted about a boyfriend, but on her Instagram story she wasn't even watching the show live, because she was at a monster truck rally with two dudes and a girlfriend. Natasha wasn't there, either.
The first beef that got rehashed was Sydney and Alayah. Alayah wouldn't apologize for who she was, and said she has a "princess voice." Then they all turned on Victoria P., who apparently was fake to Alayah, acting friendly to her face while talking bad behind her back. And then it devolved into everyone incomprehensibly screaming at each other all at once. It made me want to mute my TV until it was over.
Kelsey admitted to overreacting during #ChampagneGate. Good for her, but then it turned to Tammy and Kelsey. Tammy tried to deny that she called Kelsey an alcoholic and a pill-popper, which she did. Kelsey and Sydney talked through a conflict they had over names they called each other, but they're good. And Kelsey told Tammy -- who was wearing a top made of mirrored mosaic tile -- that it was disrespectful to people who really do struggle with addiction that Tammy said all that stuff trying to shame her, which it was.
Mykenna got called an annoying meme, but then she tried to give Tammy a speech about how she showed her who she didn't want to be, and Tammy rolled her eyes and interrupted her, asking her how long she rehearsed it. It was very rude! And then Tammy accused Mykenna of "opening up her legs" every time a camera was on her. Again, very rude! I don't find Tammy or Mykenna likable or entertaining, so I'm glad this drama was short. The whole "girls yelling at each other" part of the show was pretty quick, thankfully. It's always the worst part, and I don't want them to do it at all anymore.
Kelsey was the first in the hot seat. Kelsey said she missed Peter, because he made her feel so special and loved. Booo, who cares. We wanna hear about #ChampagneGate! She said her first thought when that bottle exploded in her voice was of her makeup, because she had just gotten touched up. Kelsey advocated for the strength in showing emotion, and then Ashley I., the franchise's most iconic crier, came out and presented Kelsey with a giant champagne bottle, too big for anyone to steal.
Next up was Victoria F. We saw a montage of her and Peter's good times and bad times, and the very bad times. She cried watching it, and said she was frustrated with herself watching it, because she didn't know how much Peter really did care about her. "Peter was the one good thing I actually got to have," she said, and that it was easier to push him away than actually try to be with him. That's all she knew how to do.
Then the conversation got around to Peter's ex's accusation that Victoria has broken up multiple marriages. Victoria said that woman just didn't like her and had some kind of ax to grind. Victoria denied the accusations. Chris Harrison didn't ask about the White Lives Matter photoshoot that got her Cosmo cover canceled at all.
Then there was an interlude where Chris Harrison and Peter and his thirsty-ass parents crashed viewing parties. C'mon, guys. Nobody wants to see that.
Then Pilot Peter himself came out. His scar mostly cleared up, but it's still there! He and Kelsey are cool. Then Victoria got called back up to sit on the couch with Peter. She thanked him for being so patient with her, and apologized for being so difficult. That was it. They have no beef either, I guess. They've MovedOn.org. Whatever.
The other girls got their chance to talk to Peter. Savannah asked him, basically, why he rewarded women who caused drama, and he basically answered that he did, and he respected everyone's opinion and was trying to grow from it. Then he gave them all a benediction that he hopes they find happiness, and then it was time for bloopers. It seemed like the show was wrapping up, but there were still like 25 minutes left! What did they have in store?
It was not what I was expecting! It was an anti-online harassment PSA with former Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay. She read some hateful, racist messages she and some of the other women had gotten. It was pretty upsetting. Chris Harrison asked if anyone had gotten hate, and they all raised their hands. Tammy said she got emails to her work account that had a subject line about wanting to buy a house, and then when she opened it it was someone telling her to kill herself. Alexa said people criticized her natural hair, but she also got a lot of support for going on the show with natural hair. It was an unexpected and unexpectedly moving segment, and a poignant reminder that the people on TV are still human. They may bully each other, but they're playing a role in a game -- with each other. People at home are just spectators.
Finally, there was a preview for the two-night finale. Who is Peter's mom telling him to go after and not let go? Probably Madi, right? We'll find out soon enough!
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. Episodes are available to stream on Hulu the following day.