Survivor: All-Stars
Lex, there is a special place in hell for you. That is all I have to say, you tattooed, pierced Iago-wannabe freak. Selling out Ethan just so you can prey on Jerri at a later date? And you have the nerve to tell him that it shouldn't affect your friendship! This guy deserves to stay on the island... forever. Oh, and Jerri, don't go gloating too much about outlasting Colby, hon. All that means is that we get to hate you just a little longer. And don't get me started on the awful irony of Mr. Zohn getting the boot after Jerri's botched bow-and-arrow immunity challenge. He's had a bull's eye on his back for weeks. Which is a position I am sure that Playboy-spread hussy Miss Manthey knows something about.

American Idol
An hourlong results episode. Hmmm. Stretching it much, Fox? Seriously, after last night's way-too-long performances, you could have done us a favor, aired this like a lottery show and run a new hour of The O.C. We don't really need the cheesy Fame-inspired Ford commercial featuring the top 12. Or the pre-shot package about the kids moving into their new digs. No, just give us the name and move on to next week's songs. This way, we'll also be spared the screams of disgust when a powerhouse like Jennifer Hudson makes the bottom three and that namby-pamby John Stevens sits up there all safe and snotty. I'm telling ya, that kid is going down, Jennifer. Don't you mind those voters. Just pick a better ditty next time. As for Leah LaBelle, well, girl, what can I say? You really sucked it big time Tuesday night. Plus, you sort of looked like Adrianna from The Sopranos. So unless mesh tops and banana hair clips are coming back and I wasn't aware of it, you needed to go.

The Stones
You know, there are good sitcoms and there are bad sitcoms. In between, there are those mediocrities like Wings, Yes, Dear and almost everything that has ever followed Friends. Judith Light, meet your new neighbors. Starring as a soon-to-divorced mother who aggress to share the house with hubby Robert Klein is sure not going to win you another Emmy, but then again, I'm not seeing this one lasting long enough to make it to the next awards season. Kudos, though, for the casting of General Hospital vet Kimberly McCullough as Winston's object of geeky obsession. Now, if only someone could talk her — and Light — into going back to daytime where they'll be treated a little bit better.

Arrested Development
Remember what I was just saying about how there are good sitcoms? Here's one of them. What a funny, nasty little show! I love the wicked humor just seething here. And it must be contagious, since Julia Louis-Dreyfus seems to have caught a serious case of cruel intentions playing a blind lawyer who blindsides Michael into a one-nighter. She's so obviously having fun with the politically incorrectness of it all, down to the Mel Brooks-ish sight gags (pardon the pun) of pouring coffee a foot away from Michael's cup and the escape of her seeing-eye dog. Good for the former Miss Benes for shaking off Seinfeld and finding a just-as-talented ensemble to play with. Someone get the woman a contract!

Saturn ION ad
Three things that should not be allowed on TV: Most of the Arquette family, the sound of an alarm clock and shots of cars being battered by runaway shopping carts, soccer balls and other cars. I don't care if the damn thing does come with dent-resistant side panels. Some of us aren't that lucky and just the idea of someone letting their kid slam into our ride with a Big Wheel is enough to send a driver into the biggest seizure this side of that poor woman with the allergic reaction to Mary Hart.

TV Land Awards
How do you make sure all of your honorees attend? Give the statues to people who don't have jobs! Honestly, this crowd looked like a Who's Who of the Hollywood Soup Kitchen Association and nobody had more fun than I did. Where else can you spot Bea Arthur, Katherine Helmond, Charlotte Rae and Sally Struthers spoofing Sex and the City? Or Tony Orlando & Dawn surrounded by dancers in gold-lame stretch pants? The bit on Charo alone was almost worth sitting through that weird dance number set to the That Girl theme song. Almost.

I Want a Famous Face
So do I, but what a sin. A pair of twin brothers go under the knife so they can look more like Brad Pitt. Oh boys. I know you want to get some play with the ladies, but you ended up more like Hanson than handsome. Let's face it. There ain't a doctor in the world that can create Mr. Aniston's mug. Hell, I don't even know if even a deity had to do with the original. Looks like that may only be available through a deal with the Devil.